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Old 12-21-2018, 11:33 PM   #11
Curious1437
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I think about this daily since my moms death is still newish. My therapist tells me to not feel bad because I shouldn't, but it's weird. People look at you like you're supposed to be devastated constantly and then start asking why you're not if you don't look sad.
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Old 12-22-2018, 04:03 PM   #12
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Default Re: Grief after death of abusive parent

I think that there is nothing wrong with remembering somebody exactly as they were. Just because somebody is dead, does not change who they were and what they did to you. Others may want to put that person on a pedestal, but you don't have to. And that's okay.
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Old 12-26-2018, 09:15 PM   #13
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And once again I thought I was in this alone.
When I was born, I found out years later, my father was so mad that I was born a girl he left the hospital and wouldnít come back. My mother found a way home. That was 1958. Thereís baby pictures, lots with me and my mother, me and my grandmother, one with me and my father. Could tell with my age my father would be forced to smile with me and my brothers in the pictures. I can remember being 7 years old, thinking if I drank all the perfume maybe I would die. Never did. Then came Vietnam, and hell on earth arrived when my father came home. All the yelling, grinding teeth, frowning, I could have swore some body kidnapped my real dad and sent this thing home. He didnít even look the same. One night I had the usual ear infection starting, and was crying in my bed. My dad came in my room, asked what I was crying about. I told him. And at 2 am he took me to the ER at the Base. Got a penicillin shot that hurt like hell. Nothing to numb the pain. On the way home, he told me to stop crying or he would give me something to cry about. We get home, my mother is sleeping on the couch, still. I go to bed. 2 hours later Iím awakened with my pajama pants and underwear off and my father between my legs. I guess thatís what the something to cry about was all about. A couple months later my mother says I need to start wearing a bra. She buys me these tight cotton training bras that cut into my skin. I take it off when I come home from school. My mother comes home from work, and asked why I donít have my bra on. That following Saturday mom says something to dad about me not having that tight bra on. Dad gets his belt off and beats me to the floor. My brother only remembers how I got my *** beat and me on the floor, thought it was halarious. This molesting thing my dad has picked up goes on, until I get enough of it. I tell my mom. And he screams, Iím a liar, I steal everything, she trying to turn me on, Christ all the lies he belted out. Brainwashing at its best, until she doesnít believe me at all. The final time he comes in my room, me an 11 year old little girl standing up to a 6í4Ē angry man and told him to get out of my room or I would scream as loud as I could, NOW! And he did. I paid a living hell for the rest of my life. I never had a father to begin with, and he took my mother with him. I was never allowed to have a mother. When I was 19 I had my first son. My mother was convinced I was worthless, hated boys, so she took over motherhood by way of learned constant gaslighting. Then I gave birth to my daughter. And I warned him, my dad, I warned him not to touch her. But he did anyway, and I signed the warrant. His picture and name was put on the list for the worst crime. He was given 5 years probation because I made it very clear no jail time. This man had bills to pay, a job to work, and I would be a sob before he would just sit back in some jail cell and jack off 24/7 while weíre busting our asses keeping above water. Oh no, I donít think so. And everybody would now know to keep an eye out for dad, because he is a pervert. And they did.
My mother died 2013. We had a few talks before she died. Made up some. She was forced to sign a will that left me out. He got everything. And that was ok. I understood.
Me and my son had a little time together. Made up for a few things, until he found the narcissist straight out of hell. She murdered him July 2017. Took my very best away. The first 4 year graduate, the father of 4. 58 days later they found my father dead in the floor at Walmart. The will said my brother gets everything, and all the life insurance money. Specifically spelled out I was not to get anything.
After the funeral I asked every single girl if he touched them. The answers I got, Iím very sure he didnít touch anybody else, has they said ďAunt Kathy are you starting that again?Ē.
Yes, the abuse lives on. I also thought ďrelief?Ē. But it hasnít come. I think mainly because of my sons murder. I grieved over my mother, I cried over my dad maybe a week. Then very quickly returned to my son, and havenít let go. Iíve never known a greater pain. Makes me think the crap I went through for 58 years is stuck.

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Old 12-26-2018, 09:37 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Curious1437 View Post
I think about this daily since my moms death is still newish. My therapist tells me to not feel bad because I shouldn't, but it's weird. People look at you like you're supposed to be devastated constantly and then start asking why you're not if you don't look sad.
Yes! I understand you very much. I had this experience over Christmas...family members were upset that I was not devastated by a Christmas without my abusive parent. I was not. I also distanced myself long before he died. They are allowed to feel how they feel. I would never try to change that but my significant other made a good point yesterday:
"I don't understand why they have to keep shoving it in your face...talking about how great he was..they were in the same house...they know what he was like when you were growing up! They know you were not on good terms with him. Why don't they just leave you to it and if they want to talk, they can talk about something other than him. I think they are being really selfish when they call you to praise him and complain about how much they miss him."

"Why don't they just leave you to it?" I should be so lucky!
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Old 12-26-2018, 09:45 PM   #15
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I think about this daily since my moms death is still newish. My therapist tells me to not feel bad because I shouldn't, but it's weird. People look at you like you're supposed to be devastated constantly and then start asking why you're not if you don't look sad.

Curious, I am so glad that your therapist is supportive (though i realize that does not erase your pain.) I had a therapist who called me a "coward" when I questioned whether I should visit my father when he was dying. She laid on a big guilt-trip...likely d/t her own personal, unprofessional reasons. I realize not all therapists are like that. I ended therapy with her and I'm hoping to find someone who really understands how adults struggle after an abusive childhood. I could really use a professional ear to guide me. You gave me hope when you mentioned your therapist...thank you for that!
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Old 12-26-2018, 10:02 PM   #16
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[QUOTE=ru4real;6379541]

Oh Kathy, I am so terribly sorry that you experienced all of that. And I am so sorry that you lost your son. I don't think there is anything I could ever say to make you feel better...but I want you to know that I am sending peace and safe love and hope to you.

Would you ever consider therapy? Of course it cannot erase your suffering but maybe it could provide support?

Here's a from a safe distance for you.
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Old 12-27-2018, 12:07 AM   #17
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[QUOTE=HopefullyLost1211;6379611]
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Oh Kathy, I am so terribly sorry that you experienced all of that. And I am so sorry that you lost your son. I don't think there is anything I could ever say to make you feel better...but I want you to know that I am sending peace and safe love and hope to you.

Would you ever consider therapy? Of course it cannot erase your suffering but maybe it could provide support?

Here's a from a safe distance for you.
I will, in the future, maybe. Am I being lazy? Maybe, more like frozen. But thank you, your words mean a lot to me. I think thatís how we deal with what happened. Even in the extreme, it means a lot.
I think when I was in my teenage years, I remember looking at a child crying. Their hateful mother hit him, then walking away and leaving him. And I thought how horrible it must be when your parents donít want you. Not even realizing I was living the same way. All I can do now is to make sure my grand babies know love, and how they are such a blessing to have in life.
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Old 12-27-2018, 12:21 AM   #18
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[QUOTE=ru4real;6379648]
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I will, in the future, maybe. Am I being lazy? Maybe, more like frozen. But thank you, your words mean a lot to me. I think thatís how we deal with what happened. Even in the extreme, it means a lot.
I think when I was in my teenage years, I remember looking at a child crying. Their hateful mother hit him, then walking away and leaving him. And I thought how horrible it must be when your parents donít want you. Not even realizing I was living the same way. All I can do now is to make sure my grand babies know love, and how they are such a blessing to have in life.
That's a wonderful thought about your grandbabies Kathy. I had a friend who, in childhood and adolescence, experienced every form of abuse across multiple foster homes. He showed me the scars on his back from being "disciplined" by a "foster dad" with a bicycle chain. Eventually, he was adopted by good and loving people. After he shared his truth with me one day, he ended the story by saying: "No matter how bad I ever feel, no matter the memories and pain, I am so happy and proud to know that I ended the cycle of abuse...it stopped with me." I will never forget him
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Old 12-27-2018, 12:23 AM   #19
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[QUOTE=ru4real;6379648]
Quote:
Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211 View Post

I will, in the future, maybe. Am I being lazy? Maybe, more like frozen. But thank you, your words mean a lot to me. I think thatís how we deal with what happened. Even in the extreme, it means a lot.
I think when I was in my teenage years, I remember looking at a child crying. Their hateful mother hit him, then walking away and leaving him. And I thought how horrible it must be when your parents donít want you. Not even realizing I was living the same way. All I can do now is to make sure my grand babies know love, and how they are such a blessing to have in life.

No you aren't lazy. Not everyone is open to therapy. Just an idea. It has helped me at different points in my life. I know I would benefit from more but I always say: each to their own!
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Old 12-27-2018, 06:08 AM   #20
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I'm so sorry so many people are struggling You're all in my thougths. Please don't give up. You're all stronger than you think. You can do this! Sending many hugs to everyone
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