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Old 11-11-2018, 01:37 PM #1
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Default Emotional Abuse > Going Along With It > Shame

Hello, I am caught in something and perhaps someone knows what it is called.

I was abused by my family, and in fear I "went along with it", meaning I smiled when they were abusing me because it was safest way and I didn't know what else.

I suppose I could also abuse myself and then we could all play the game together.

A part of me is also stunned and shocked and terrified that they are abusing me .... like I can't even believe it. I am shamed that they chose me to abuse. And that itself is shame. Like I have been singled out to be crushed, and I am ashamed because they chose me.

And I am so shocked by it all I literally can't speak.

These things are making me really stuck in them and I can't undo it, because I sort of stuck in a trap of strange conflicting feelings.

Anyway, what is the name of these particular types of dynamics and traumas, it would help me to look it up.

Thanks
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Old 11-15-2018, 07:27 PM #2
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Default Re: Emotional Abuse > Going Along With It > Shame

I can't tell you what this is called. I have no idea. But I'm sure anyone who has survived emotional abuse and neglect will see themselves in this.

For instance, when I was emotionally abused and neglected, I couldn't counteract or fight back. Because both parents had explosive anger that could get violent. I had to be quiet. Seen but not heard, as it is called. I didn't smile when things were said to me, but I didn't show an emotional reaction in front of them either. I would go to my room and cry.

Later on, when I had enough....as an adult disabled child who was still being abused, I started to fight back and get vocal. It's forced my parents to have a very different relationship with me, one where they don't dare say even the most slightly abusive thing because I get triggered and go off. And what gets said is ugly.

There is no real reason why we are targeted. Sometimes we're just the easiest one for them to vent on or throw blame for their problems. We ourselves are not defective or to blame for the abuse. I'm sorry you are targeted. It isn't right. It's not fair. And yes, it is wrong. And I'm very sorry. If you can get help, maybe a therapist could assist you in working through this. That's what I'm about to do. Maybe your parent's have personality disorders (mine do) and other mental illnesses (mine do). Maybe they were abused as children. There's a lot of dynamics that could be considered.
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Old 11-19-2018, 11:14 AM #3
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Default Re: Emotional Abuse > Going Along With It > Shame

I'm sorry that you've gone through the shock of people behaving like that towards you. Yes, I can relate somewhat. I was in total shock when it began to sink in what had happened to me. There is a book by Pete Walker but I've forgotten the title. ...I think it was called cptsd something which you might find helpful. I think what happens in situations like that can be a lot of denial. I hope you can get to see a counsellor to help process the thoughts and emotions around what's happened. What you wrote makes total sense and I think we do it for survival.
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Old 11-19-2018, 12:13 PM #4
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Default Re: Emotional Abuse > Going Along With It > Shame

((((rideforever)))) I'm so sorry you're suffering with this. I'm sure many can relate. How old are you? Do you still live with your parents? If so, perhaps it would be better to get away from them as soon as you can. Do you see a therapist? It seems like you have a lot of stuff to go through. I'm so sorry you're struggling, but please remember that it's not your fault this is happening. Often, there isn't a real reason why they're picking somebody in particular... it just happens.
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Old 11-19-2018, 03:02 PM #5
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Default Re: Emotional Abuse > Going Along With It > Shame

This is a good guide Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy
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Old 11-20-2018, 06:53 AM #6
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Default Re: Emotional Abuse > Going Along With It > Shame

The abused take on the blame and shame that belongs to the abuser. When we are children we are confused and shocked and don't know how to respond. You did what you did to protect yourself...that is all you could do.
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Old 11-20-2018, 07:33 AM #7
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Default Re: Emotional Abuse > Going Along With It > Shame

Just start reading all the psychology articles you can; abuse, emotional abuse, narcissists, shame and guilt, etc...

Ultimately, all of them state at the end to get away from the abuser and end the relationship.
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Old 11-20-2018, 05:15 PM #8
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Default Re: Emotional Abuse > Going Along With It > Shame

The child takes the blame because it seems too awful and
terrible to blame its caregivers;so it "carries the can" for the
parents inadequacy and failure to love.The blame is with
THEM,not you . . .you were innocent child-love that child.
Deepest Respect,
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