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Unread 09-14-2017, 01:18 AM   #1
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Default I'm just venting honestly. Feel free to vent too.

Woah, is this new or have I just not noticed it before? I only found out about about the term childhood emotional neglect a couple of weeks ago and since I'm on the internet all the time, it is following me around everywhere now.

I don't have a reason for writing this thread really.

I just stood my ground to my mother for the first time in like ever.

And now, what do ya know, I'm on here.

I just recently started going back to therapy like 2 months ago and my main focus in therapy rn is childhood emotional neglect, the codependency I have with my mother, and something called complex ptsd. I like to refer to them as the three C's.

So anyway, I just stood my ground while having a discussion with my mom.

Usually, I'll just say whatever she wants to hear and submit, but this time, I threw her game right back in her face so she could be on the receiving side for once.

And as things would have it, I couldn't even fully enjoy it.

Because of my history with the three C's, all I'm feeling now after the talk is over is . . . the same as when I started. Not in control, on the losing side, still empty, afraid, and unsure. I can't even appreciate having the upper hand in a conversation bc I still feel the same as always.

I'm trying really hard not to feel bad for "disappointing" my mom rn and I'm also trying to ignore the fact that I thought I'd get something out of being the one with all the power in the conversation, because I didn't and that somehow is making me feel empty and like what the heck was even the point?

I know it's going to take time to reclaim myself from all the emotional and psychological mistreatment I've been through . . . and honestly, I'm scared that I'm gonna be the one to mess it all up.

On top of that. I'd be different if my only problem was overcoming the unhealthy relationship I had with my mom. But as you guys probably know too, because of my upbringing with the three C's, it has bled into every other aspect of my life too.

And I still have to learn how to cope and deal with all the rest of the stuff too. The anxiety, the depression, the fear of intimacy (platonic and romantic and sexual), the fear of abandonment and rejection and judgment. The list goes on and on. The fear of being controlled.

I have to find a new way of coping that doesn't involve dissociating from how I feel.

I'm so worried that I'm gonna get all patched up and fixed enough to gain somewhat of a stable life and walk head first into a bad situation that I won't know how to get out of or maybe even won't want too.

I feel so robbed and that's just life.

Time goes on.

All I can do is move forward and leave the past in the past.

And honestly, I ****ing hate that.

Because nobody asks for any of this **** to happen.

Nobody asks to be brought into this ****** hell hole of a life and I certainly didn't ask to be **** played.

It ****ing sucks and there was no real point to this thread, sorry.

So if you wasted your time reading this, let out your own frustrations in the comments.
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Unread 09-14-2017, 12:30 PM   #2
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Default Re: I'm just venting honestly. Feel free to vent too.

Hi Kismetie I don't feel like I wasted my time reading your post. Thank you for sharing!

Congratulations for standing up to your mother.

It may not have felt like a victory at the time but it was. Please give yourself permission to feel however you feel in the moment.
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Unread 09-14-2017, 12:51 PM   #3
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Default Re: I'm just venting honestly. Feel free to vent too.

Standing up to her is good! Controlling parents expect us to obey and act as if we are an extension of them. There are limits and boundaries to set. Don't allow yourself to feel guilt over disappointing her. I am learning that slowly.
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Unread 09-15-2017, 02:33 AM   #4
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Default Re: I'm just venting honestly. Feel free to vent too.

thank you guys both (: that means a lot to me
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Unread 09-17-2017, 02:57 PM   #5
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Unread 09-19-2017, 12:47 AM   #6
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Default Re: I'm just venting honestly. Feel free to vent too.

kismetie, I admire your inner strength and wisdom.
I like that you wrote that post even though you didn't think you had a point or reason. Some part of you wanted to say these things even if you didn't consciously understand why.
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