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Old 06-28-2017, 02:32 AM   #1
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I'm actually not sure why I'm posting...I haven't purged in years, but, from time to time, I purposely restrict my food. I've been in a binge/starve trap (sorry, I really can't think of another word) for 30(ish) years. I am now not in the best physical health, trying to address at mo. Emotionally, I think I'm slipping backwards. Part of me doesn't care, I'm trying to convince myself I don't need any help, but, don't really believe that's case at this point.

So, what are the facts? Right now, I'm swinging between binge/starve. Far more so than normal. I'm not getting so ill, I need any intervention, but don't like how I'm thinking. Yet it also feels reassuring. Does this make any sense? I want to push further, let everything go, yet know how bad that mindset is.

What's frustrating is, I know this is my poisonous thinking kicking butt and telling me (when unwell) I'm much stronger, better, lovable, etc. These old thoughts have gone away many, many times, but come back harder the next time. At mo, I can't shake them off.

I wouldn't be logging in, if something in me didn't wana permanently break away from this rot, I don't promote or endorse Bulimia, not in any way. Yet, this addiction, it is my oldest friend. It's there like others can not be. How do you know when your sliding downwards? I'm totally aware of how fudged up this all sounds, on one hand, I'm saying I want to change, I'd like help, yet, in all honesty, the part of me who wants me ill is in danger of winning currently. I don't think I'm rational just now.... I am waiting to be referred for initial assessment and then, hopefully therapy.

Last edited by Anonymous50010; 06-28-2017 at 04:38 AM..
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Old 10-01-2017, 03:55 AM   #2
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Hello Hinny

Sending regards from the south.
I have been living with bulimia for some 16 years (!) and before that a couple years anorexic. So I can certainly hear you in your worries. I never sought help and always thought when moving to a new city that I could, at last, seek for therapy (which never happened).

Three months ago I went through a very shocking event (in which i suffered physical aggression and lawsuits) and somehow that triggered a change in my life. Despite how horrible that was, it did help me with the binge eating and purging. So very new to me, its been three months after 16 years.

Maybe sharing your situation can be the start of change?
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Old 03-17-2018, 07:34 PM   #3
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I have battled the binge starve cycle for 45 years starting with anorexia which within a year turned into binging and starving. No one knows about this except this group. I'm sure they suspected but no one mentioned it to me. It contributed to three divorces and many jobs because to me the only way to stop a binge cycle was to make a major change to my mundane boring existence. I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and ADHD as an adult. Even my Psychologist does not know about the eating disorder. It is exhausting to keep the secret and go through the process. I'm early on in the restrictive eating (day 4) so my mood is good. When I start binging I will, barely drag myself out of bed to go to work, eating huge quantities at my desk waiting to get off work so I can go to the grocery store and buy cheesecake/chips/pizza, nuts .whatever. I cannot seek help for the eating disorder because my boyfriend has make comments about diets, anxiety, depression etc and how people just need to take control of their own lives. He knows nothing about any of my issues or the three medications I take to deal with them. I also have hypothyroidism so I have to take that medication every day. He knows about that so I just mix all my other pills into the thyroid pill bottle so I can take them and if he sees a pill bottle it will only be my thyroid medication.
I'm sorry I'm not a lot of help and I have only been a member for a week but I have read some success stories on here. I hope one day I can be one of them even if I'm 70 when it happens.
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