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Old 12-26-2018, 01:29 PM   #1
elevatedsoul
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Trig Wtf..?

Looks like i have done it again


accepting someone and letting them in, trust
Friends


yet i have now destroyed it? And i don't even understand what i did to cause this


i didn't do anything to her that i can see... besides struggling with my internal war, tried so desperately hard to keep it at bay as to not affect her and friendship i was trying to build


All i know.. (remember) is that she yelled at me and accused me of bbeing upset with her when what i was (and am) struggling with was nothing to do with her or us.. but my life, future, stress... having no car, losing jobs, no home, no family support, no friends, and then for her to yell at me in that state i tried to defend myself like everyone seemed to be trying to tell me i need to learn to do.
To stand up for myself. I dont remember what i said but i feel like i know the jist of my point i wanted to convey...
That i was fine and trying to deal with extreme stress and that it involved her in no way!


I cant handle yelling even when its not directed at me, but for someone that i started to feel close to and genuinely trust to do that to me i lost it (it happened with jer probably 3 or 4 times)

This last time seemingly being the last as she has been extremely nasty to me and now has stopped the minute amount of communication that we did have (even though i was living there)


So now i am feeling distressed and very confused as i dont know whats wrong with me or what i do wrong to make people hate me as i am very nice, kind, and giving.. offering to do many trivial things always.. such as opening doors, getting refreshments or food, cleaning, recreational things, and always avoid talking about drama or any problems on my mind as i want the time anyone spends with me to be enjoyable so they will continue to want my company.
I give, and give, and give...


She said she lost respect for me.
Now my trust for her is completely broken and having splitting effects severely confused on her person, what she wanted from me, if she just was using me like everyone always does only to throw me out when they're sick of my pain that i try desperately to hide behind smiles and good deeds


i hate people so much
i hate this planet so much


i just want to find a way to make alot of money and isolate myself from everyone as i dont want to do this any more


My paradigm keeps flipping all around causing severe perspective changesand i dont know what to do


i just want it to stop
i just want those feelings and desires and thoughts to die, cease, and let me become a cold heartless loner that doesnt care about anyone but myself


but i seemingly have never cared about myself and only ever cared about other peoples thoughts and feelings as i can concrete myself and identity within others that dont have such a chaotic and non solid life


what am i doing here? I dont understand how i am feeling.
I dont k ow what to do, why can't i just shut this all down...


I cant cry, have not cried over losing her, as i feel like i didnt do anything wrong this time..



I feel so meloncholic.
Nothing matters... laugh, cry, numb, sad, happy. These things are not real or tangible...
The only thing that matters is security... i need a world of space and lots of money...
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Old 12-26-2018, 05:00 PM   #2
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Default Re: Wtf..?

The only effective way to know for sure if you did something that could upset her is on one side, listen to her. Ask her for an explanation. And then, observing yourself and your patterns. Iím not implying that you are the one to be blamed.
Only, sometimes, we perceive comments, behaviours...react according to what is happening inside us. Even when we donít want to do it.
Donít feel guilty for openning you up to another person. How are you gonna progress if you donít take that risk.

I understand your confusion and how you are feeling now. Letting yourself a time to be sad and letting a time to see what could happened.

PS.: Money is only a necessary evil.
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Old 12-26-2018, 06:15 PM   #3
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I tried to talk i cant count how many times

Its as if we started speaking different languages
I say something and she think she knows/understands what im sayin but what she says is like not where im coming from at all?


I dont know if its me, oe she is trying to push me away, or if ...





im just gonna give up on the whole friend thing though...

It always happens the same way... cant do it anymore...


I like the silence of solitude anyway
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Old 12-26-2018, 06:16 PM   #4
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Damn i hate this mind melding ****
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Old 12-27-2018, 01:17 PM   #5
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Is it normal for me to keep switching all over the place?
Feelings change chaoticly?


I dont feel like a person... feeling misunderstood and abused and attack because missunderstood
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Old 12-28-2018, 05:14 AM   #6
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Itís normal to feel this way. Sorry that youíre going through this.
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Old 12-28-2018, 12:20 PM   #7
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I think they just wanted me to leave


which i understand. I have a lot of problems i know.
And its hard to watch any one hurt. Much less family. Or friends.
But instead of doing it this way and making my life worse, why not just talk to me and tell me its time i leave instead of making me feel awful and cutting me deep and making it all seem like my fault


people are so selfish, to hurt someone hurting just to spare their own feelings


im sick of being a patient understanding guy; sick of the 2 faced double standard hypocritical ********...
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Old 12-28-2018, 12:27 PM   #8
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Default Re: Wtf..?

I'm so sorry elevatedsoul. Have you ever discussed these issues with a therapist? I think it's worth doing.

My mom has bipolar and when she's manic she yells at everyone for no reason. I don't think it has anything to do with us. It's her illness making her do that. But when we are being yelled at, we still hurt.

It sounds like this might be the issue with your friend and maybe others in your life. Also, have you ever been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder? I am not in any way qualified to make a diagnosis, but some of what you say reminds me of Borderline.
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Old 01-10-2019, 08:10 PM   #9
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(((((((( elevatedsoul )))))))

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Old 01-11-2019, 06:52 PM   #10
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Yeah.. ive done therapy.. out of therapy again dueto unfortunate circumstances


it did help and i have improved and grown very much, i just seem to be experiencing triggers more and feeling disturbing feelings rather than being shut down completely which i guess is just a part of healing and leArning how to cope with the feelings ..


Very angry though, not taking it out on anyone but when triggered im explosive anymore... uncharacteristic but then again i dont have a personality so i dont have a set of characteristics?



Life is very hard right now with the only support coming from my self and the only thing driving me is my disgust of my situation 😕
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