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Old 07-22-2018, 04:10 PM   #1
JustMEME
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Default Friend in a relationship with a borderline man?

Hello everyone.
I am asking for advice on how to deal with a friend to help her and not lose her.
My friend (let's call her Mrs. X) for the third time started a relationship with "love of her life" (henceforth called Mr. Y). Initially, I thought everything was beautiful and wonderful, but I have the impression that Mr. Y has a borderline personality. Mr. Y is making an X fights about a friend on Facebook. He reproaches her that she was already married and that he was not her first sexual partner. Once they plan a wedding and children, in a moment he says he has enough of her and he will leave her. After such situations Mrs. X is cutting herself not to deep). She limited contact with family and friends. She claims that there is no time because they are only for themselves, exclusive. She says she can not live without him and if he dies, she has no reason to live too. Apparently they have to be together all the time, always thinking about themselves. The friend began to suffer from lack of sleep. When we meet she seems very tired and with the luck of energy, behaving like a zombie. Mr. X also have problems with alcohol (he drinks almost everyday). When someone says to her that it must be toxic love she gest frustrated, starts cursing and defending Mr. Y.
They don't want counselling.

I am worried about her life and well being. What should I do? I have a feeling that the more I push the more withdrawn she becomes.
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Old 07-23-2018, 02:20 PM   #2
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Here's a link to an article, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of what to do when your friend is in an abusive relationship:

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...-relationship/

And then here are links to some other articles written to be of help to individuals who are in abusive relationships. Perhaps, if your friend is willing, you could share them with her:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/21-war...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-ways...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/in-an-...steps-to-take/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/you-de...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/trusti...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...-relationship/

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Old 07-23-2018, 02:26 PM   #3
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Default Re: Friend in a relationship with a borderline man?

I dont see anything that speaks borderline in your post. He sounds like a controlling, abusive, alcoholic.

My best friend and I have an agreement. We will always share our honest opinions with each other, but still support each other regardless of the other ones decision on the matter.

My advice? Be honest and just be her friend. If/when it all blows up she is going to need one.
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Old 01-11-2019, 02:33 PM   #4
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Default Re: Friend in a relationship with a borderline man?

Thank you for your previous replies.
Unfortunately my friend doesn't want to see me or talk to me again (it is because I didn't accept her relationship). Today I found out that she had a suicidal attempt (she ate pills). She was hospitalized. She is still with Mr X and I can only assume that her action was a reaction for his words (that he will leave her). Now my question is: should I contact her or leave her alone as she asked. If I contact her what should I say to her to not make things worse?

Thank you for your help. I really appreciate it.
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Old 01-12-2019, 09:55 AM   #5
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Default Re: Friend in a relationship with a borderline man?

mr x has issues but so does your friend. At the very least she has poor self esteem and codependent issues. There is not much help you can give. Codependency has to end with the codependent person or persons stopping the relationship.
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Old 01-14-2019, 08:15 AM   #6
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Default Re: Friend in a relationship with a borderline man?

Thank you for your reply. It's hard to live with a thought that one day she might no longer be here because she might kill herself
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Old 01-23-2019, 09:17 PM   #7
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Default Re: Friend in a relationship with a borderline man?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JustMEME View Post
Hello everyone.
I am asking for advice on how to deal with a friend to help her and not lose her.
My friend (let's call her Mrs. X) for the third time started a relationship with "love of her life" (henceforth called Mr. Y). Initially, I thought everything was beautiful and wonderful, but I have the impression that Mr. Y has a borderline personality. Mr. Y is making an X fights about a friend on Facebook. He reproaches her that she was already married and that he was not her first sexual partner. Once they plan a wedding and children, in a moment he says he has enough of her and he will leave her. After such situations Mrs. X is cutting herself not to deep). She limited contact with family and friends. She claims that there is no time because they are only for themselves, exclusive. She says she can not live without him and if he dies, she has no reason to live too. Apparently they have to be together all the time, always thinking about themselves. The friend began to suffer from lack of sleep. When we meet she seems very tired and with the luck of energy, behaving like a zombie. Mr. X also have problems with alcohol (he drinks almost everyday). When someone says to her that it must be toxic love she gest frustrated, starts cursing and defending Mr. Y.
They don't want counselling.

I am worried about her life and well being. What should I do? I have a feeling that the more I push the more withdrawn she becomes.
I don't see borderline here, but I do see traits of a controlling and/or abusive relationship. Pushing or pressuring people who are in these types of relationships will make their situation worse either with the treatment from the abuse or their own inner turmoil or both. The best thing to do is make sure she knows you are there for her and will not abandon her (an abuser will try to isolate her from all friends and family either by causing her to mistrust you or you to mistrust her so be sure communication is always maintained). Also, give her as many resources to help her out of her situation as possible and help her to develop an escape plan - if at all possible, actively help her during the escape (but do not be the place she stays so both you and she stay out of danger, she needs to go somewhere he would not look for her).

Before any of this though .. try to get her to open up to you. Don't push her or pressure her, just present yourself as a "safe" person to talk to and after awhile she will start opening up. Once she does, you can find out exactly what type of abuse it may or may not be and what type of help is best.
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