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Old 02-12-2018, 07:29 AM   #1
JustAnUntakenName
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I read this article on marriage: https://waitbutwhy.com/2016/09/marriage-decision.html.

I found it quite intelligent and then I felt this urge to send it to one of my exes, because I felt like he needs it. I don't know why I felt like he needs it, it could just be some sort of superiority complex forming as a defense mechanism, or maybe I genuinely thought he needs it for some reason because he said twice in the two years we've been separated that he was struggling with relationships ever since what happened between the two of us, or maybe I just felt some connection to it and what happened to the ex "us" - I don't know exactly, but there was an urge to share it with him.

Anyway, I logged into Facebook, because I removed him from my emailing list so that I can't upset myself by sending him ****, and saw on his wall that he is moving into an apartment together with the girl he's been with since he left me.

They've been together since he and I broke up 2 (and a bit years ago) until now. They are obviously very happy together, they aren't on-and-off like my relationship with him was (or how most of my relationships are), they move forward and grow, and take next steps in the relationship together.

I'm upset because a part of me believed our relationship failed because he was immature and not the kind to commit - OBVIOUSLY now, that can no longer be considered the case. This means I have to accept, it wasn't him, it was me. Which I sort of already knew, but I always believed in part it was him too - but this disproves that. This proves that it was entirely me and that hurts like a mother****er. It's always been entirely me that is the problem, and that hurts because I can't figure out why it's me that's the problem.

I've learnt from and changed myself in every new relationship I enter to try and not repeat my same mistakes but it always falls apart and I always end up back at square one. It's the most ****ing difficult problem ever and I can't solve it, and that makes me feel inferior because it comes so ****ing easy to other, normal people. Even other abnormal people manage this part of life, so why not me? I feel like something obvious that everyone else has is missing from me and i can't figure out what it is.

I fall deep in a relationship (not always quickly but eventually) and I get seriously ****ed up hurt each time it falls apart - but I keep failing at it and the people that hurt me keep succeeding at it. I do not understand why life is happening like this, none of this makes sense to me - I do not understand at all.

This isn't the first time either - people usually end up much happier once their relationship with me ends and they move on. Their "move on" relationship usually becomes their life-long relationship. But everyone always says they love me while we are in a relationship - if they loved me, really loved me - the way I love them, why did they leave? What's wrong with me that makes people leave? Why are they exponentially happier with other people? What is that core ****ing difference between me and other people that I can't see and assimilate????

Why am I so massively different from other people that I can't form anything that is worthwhile in my life? What's wrong with me and how do I change it so that I am still me but in a way that people genuinely love - the way I love them?

Besides looks, boobs and being girly - which she has and I don't - what's wrong with me? Or is it exactly that? Is it that I am not enough of a girl for men? I don't want to change that. I want to be me, but I want to find a guy who likes me exactly the way I am - as just another guy, but with a vagina.

I am extremely jealous of their happiness, and that of others' - everyone achieves some sense of success or happiness - in work and in relationships, why am I struggling? What's wrong with me?

I'm not okay, I hate them now. I don't want to hate them but I do. I hate having emotions, they are ****ing useless and get in the way of everything!

I hate them for their success and happiness, I wanted to be her, I wanted to have what she has - it was originally mine AND it was the happiest time of my life. Why did I lose that? That was my dream. Why does my dream keep going to other people?

I hate them for being stronger and better than me. what do I have to do to stop people taking what is mine?

! Just to be clear I am referring to the life, not the guy. The life, the dream, is mine and I feel like others keep taking it. Not the guy individually, there have been many guys with whom I have held this dream, all of whom ended up having exactly that dream of mine with some other girl who makes them far happier than I ever did but they still had the sickness inside of them to tell me I do make them happy and they love me.
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Old 02-12-2018, 07:40 AM   #2
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I am sorry to hear you are feeling such pain. I think therapy would be very beneficial for you, if you are not already in it. Unfortunately your thinking is very much black and white, which can lead to feelings of great pain. In most relationships when they end, it is a two way street and there are reasons from both sides on why it is ending. It is almost never just one person's "fault". So try not to beat yourself up about these past "failed" relationships. I am putting that word in quotes because I'm not even sure it's the best word to use.

This quote: "What do I have to do to stop people taking what is mine?", concerns me a bit. Everyone deserves happiness, just as much as you. Yet you seem to think you are having something stolen from you. That is not the case. There is nothing you can do to stop people from being happy and living their lives, and to do so would be not nice at all.

I would encourage you to focus on yourself and getting help before trying another relationship, because it seems that your personality traits are playing a big role in pushing partners away. If you are not able to see a therapist for some reason, there are self-help courses online for DBT that may be very helpful. Find happiness and stability within yourself, then consider dating again.
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Old 02-12-2018, 07:54 AM   #3
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Thatís a really good article.

How you are feeling makes perfect sense. Ugh, facebook hell! If it didnít exist, you wouldnít have seen your ex with his current gf. Extra pain for you.

Youíve opened up such a deep conversation about having BPD and relationships. Iím not sure where to begin.

Have you been diagnosed BPD?
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Old 02-12-2018, 08:09 AM   #4
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I've been to DBT therapy, I've been in a DBT program until about a month ago it did not help me.

I used to think the relationship failing was both our faults, but if he picked up a different relationship just a month after we broke up and stayed in that relationship all this time, and they are now moving in together (two-something years later), how can it not be entirely my fault??? If it was a problem with him it would have manifested in this new relationship as well and they would not be moving in together. Logically the problem cannot be him, it was/is me.

My dream was to live a life with him, I was extremely happy in my time with him - it was the first and last time in my life I felt at peace and felt secure. I had goals and a future and it felt like I could actually reach them.

My dream was to continue that life - now they are living that life happily and i don't understand why it's not me. I don't understand what i did to fail at that dream so badly that it went to someone else and has since then kept going to someone else with every guy I meet.

I am sitting with shards of different possible lives that were none nearly as happy for me as that one. I'm angry because I can't understand what is happening, I work just as ****ing hard at my relationships as everyone else - why does this keep happening??? I apply theories, and go to therapy, and take advice, and really think about everything I ****ing do to the point that I'm a ****ing nervous wreck 24/7 - I try really hard to learn from my mistakes in each relationship but then I end up getting the same ****ing feedback when the relationship fails - but I KNOW I changed the input so WHY THE **** is the output still problematic?????

**** human beings - seriously **** human beings. and **** psychologists, they can't help for ****.
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Old 02-12-2018, 08:12 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustAnUntakenName View Post
I've been to DBT therapy, I've been in a DBT program until about a month ago it did not help me.

I used to think the relationship failing was both our faults, but if he picked up a different relationship just a month after we broke up and stayed in that relationship all this time, and they are now moving in together (two-something years later), how can it not be entirely my fault??? If it was a problem with him it would have manifested in this new relationship as well and they would not be moving in together. Logically the problem cannot be him, it was/is me.

My dream was to live a life with him, I was extremely happy in my time with him - it was the first and last time in my life I felt at peace and felt secure. I had goals and a future and it felt like I could actually reach them.

My dream was to continue that life - now they are living that life happily and i don't understand why it's not me. I don't understand what i did to fail at that dream so badly that it went to someone else and has since then kept going to someone else with every guy I meet.

I am sitting with shards of different possible lives that were none nearly as happy for me as that one. I'm angry because I can't understand what is happening, I work just as ****ing hard at my relationships as everyone else - why does this keep happening??? I apply theories, and go to therapy, and take advice, and really think about everything I ****ing do to the point that I'm a ****ing nervous wreck 24/7 - I try really hard to learn from my mistakes in each relationship but then I end up getting the same ****ing feedback when the relationship fails - but I KNOW I changed the input so WHY THE **** is the output still problematic?????

**** human beings - seriously **** human beings. and **** psychologists, they can't help for ****.
I think your attitude may play a big part. And there is definitely such a thing as trying "too hard" in relationships. You should not feel that you have to try so hard that you are a nervous wreck 24/7. Alas, you seem to be set in your opinions and your ways. I have nothing more to offer here. I wish you all the best.
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Old 02-12-2018, 08:20 AM   #6
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Yes, I have been diagnosed with BPD, Depression (they said it's just an episode) and PTSD. I attended a program for BPD for 10 weeks just until the end of January. That helped me sweet, blue ****-oll - it just wasted 10 weeks of my life that I could have spent preparing for varsity.

I'm still applying what I learnt there at home for the hope that by some psycho-pseudo-science magic it start helping at some point, but so far it's useless hippy ******** that just makes me angrier because it's wasting my time and I am no closer to solving whatever my stupid problem is. I was super hopeful and excited going to the program and very disappointed leaving it with very little gained of actual value or assistance.

I do meditations in the morning, I downloaded an app called Headspace - it does nothing for me, I feel like I'm wasting time.

I have a distress tolerance box, nothing in there makes me feel better.

I try to be mindful every day - I walk to varsity now instead of taking the bus - it doesn't reduce my anger, fear and sadness. I feel tense all the time, there isn't a moment that goes by anymore where I am not tense and aggressive. And I am angry about it, so it's like ****ing Russian nesting dolls.
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Old 02-12-2018, 08:25 AM   #7
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Of course my attitude is like this, if you've spent your life seeing psychologists and following their advice to no worthwhile result you'd also have a crappy attitude towards them - else your passive and have other issues. I used to be VERY open to psychology because it could potentially help. But something can only fail you so many times before you give up on it.

In terms of relationships, if I must not try hard to fix it what must I do then? Being myself and just "being" in the relationship naturally causes the relationship to fail as well, because there is something wrong with my natural self - if there wasn't we wouldn't be having this conversation because I'd be somewhere off in the world happily, realistically successful in all aspects of my life; so non-striving theory isn't helpful either.
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Old 02-12-2018, 08:27 AM   #8
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Also, how is it opinions? It's a logical conclusion, it's factual - so in what way is it an opinion?
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Old 02-12-2018, 08:29 AM   #9
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The problem is most psychologists have your attitude i.e. "My theories don't work for you, so you must not be doing them right - I'm going to leave now because I can't help you with this one theory that is supposed to magically apply to all individual cases." - psychologist logic XD
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Old 02-12-2018, 09:37 AM   #10
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I calmed down, I still feel the same way about psychology but I calmed down. Or rather, I'm just too tired after this afternoon to feel anymore at this moment in time so I am numb and tired. But at least I'm not angry anymore.
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