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Unread 09-10-2017, 10:44 AM   #1
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Trig I've gone too far

this is it...

i dunno whats going to happen to me but its over

i cant take it anymore, i try so hard to maintain but it doesnt matter, its breaking me down and it will be the end of me

they said i cursed them out put on masks and walked across the field with a shotgun in black clothes

even more stuff

i dont remember any of it, im sick of it

i hate my life, i dont know how the hospital can help
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Unread 09-10-2017, 01:34 PM   #2
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Default Re: I've gone too far

Um if your cursing people and carrying around a weapon..... the hospital can prevent you from shooting yourself or someone else. you may feel that your life is not worth living at the moment, but you don't have the right to make that choice for another person.
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Unread 09-10-2017, 02:18 PM   #3
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Default Re: I've gone too far

i dont know what happened

its not fair

i dont even know if its true

the said i was going to rob the neighbors

and i did other things i cant even talk about i just cant do it anymore
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Unread 09-10-2017, 03:05 PM   #4
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Default Re: I've gone too far

im goin to the hospital...

i just cant take it anymore...

its just not fair...
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Unread 09-10-2017, 08:12 PM   #5
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Default Re: I've gone too far

have a little time to write now...

i don't know whats going on with me.. i thought i was doing ok and that the medication was helping manage things...

i've been so stressed out i think im just breaking again... i try so hard to manage all of the difficult feelings... i put forth a positive and nice face for everyone to accept and like and burry every thing else... i guess that im just exploding...

people cant see how i can hate my life... they dont understand me at all...

maybe im just at a critical mass... where its all too much... my entire life... there is nothing left to hold me down... i have no good things left for me to really fight for any more... i just dont want to go through this any more...
im so weak
its all coming out on its own... i black out...

im such a nice person and have never done anything to anyone before... its just not fair i have to hurt so much... i dont want to hurt any more... i just want it to all go away... i dont want to have the past i have had... i dont even want a future anymore... not in this nasty world... its all perverted... i just dont want any of it... its just not fair... i want to make it all go away...

i dont know what is going to happen to me... because i dont think there is anything anyone can do to help... i dont think there is anything that can fix me...

but i dont want anyone else to see me dieing like this... im such a monster...
trying my hardest to hide everything...

but what kinda life is it when you have to live a fake too...

i dont even know who i am anymore...

what im thinking anymore...


just sorry to everyone for ever being alive...
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Unread 09-11-2017, 02:55 PM   #6
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Default Re: I've gone too far

Im glad you are going to the hospital. It sounds like you are in a crisis and need help
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Unread 09-12-2017, 06:22 PM   #7
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Default Re: I've gone too far

they dont want me to go to the hospital... my family..

i dunno.. my dad doesnt understand mental illness...
i live with him and a friend of his that also doesnt understand...

they say they have lived with struggles all their life and i just need get it together pretty much...

my dad just keeps saying i need jesus and need to pray and it will all be fine...
that its just because i dont pray... and stuff... but im not a rude person or anything, im the most docile person you would see until i get triggered or whatever... which i try to hide as much as possible... it usually hits me in a way where i just shut down completely... sometimes i black out which has been happening more often...

i try to explain that im.... sick...
its not my fault... i try so hard not to be like this...
try so hard not to be depressed... or have anxiety... or anything..


i think im still going to try to go though... i think that it may be the only way out...
go and lock myself up... let it all fall out... stop hiding everything...
i just dont want them to do anything bad to me in the hospital because i am not a bad person... i just have so many demons...



its not my fault...
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Unread 09-12-2017, 06:33 PM   #8
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Default Re: I've gone too far

I know how hard it is to be surrounded by people who don't understand,i am so sorry that your having to experience this to .I think going to the hospital is a very good idea,i hope they can help you, sending lots of hugs and good wishes to you
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Unread 09-12-2017, 09:06 PM   #9
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Default Re: I've gone too far

yeah...

im scared i think... but i dont know..
i cant tell... my emotions are ****ed up...
i dont know what i feel... i feel nothing
but its like im feeling a lot of things...

i want to get high and make it go away
but i dont because im tired of just ****ing around and being sick...
im sick of it...
sick of my life...
sick of myself...
sick of being dependent on substances to hide from demons...
sick of hiding...
just sick...

i feel ive been imprisoned for a long time and i want out...
i just want it all to be over...

being alive has been an entrapment for me...
i don't have fond memories...
i have never held anyone and felt a connection...
i have never had a relationship in my life besides a ****ed up long distance thing that messed me up even more due to her actions and treatment...

what am i supposed to hold onto?
they say think of a positive thing...
there is nothing...
i am nothing...
i am blank...
i am an empty shell... rotting in hell...


yet a player in a game called earth...
not for my sake... but for sake of others...
i just fuel my demons and mask my pain...
i smile and please everyone i can to try to survive...


this has to end... there has to be an end...
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Unread 09-13-2017, 10:21 AM   #10
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Default Re: I've gone too far

Getting high will only postpone the inevitable feelings. I know for me alcohol and drugs kept me sick and in denial for a long time. I was told I had this and that mental illness and played the game for a long time. I was really just an alcoholic with an alcoholic personality and an alcoholic mind. I wanted people to feel sorry for me and i went to the hospital alot. Maybe prayer would help you. Or AA. Hanging out with sober people keeps me sober and drug free.
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