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Unread 09-13-2017, 05:41 PM   #11
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Default Re: I've gone too far

I can't really advise other than what has been suggested by other members

I'm not personally a fan of hospitals

Sending gentle hugs

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Unread 09-13-2017, 06:15 PM   #12
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Default Re: I've gone too far

keep trying.

Keep posting....

We will listen
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Unread 09-14-2017, 11:01 AM   #13
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Default Re: I've gone too far

i dont wanna go to the hospital...
i just want everything to be ok, why cant everything just be ok?
i dont want to be locked up... my mind is fighting me..
i just wanna get some weed... weed makes me happy
its always been there for me since i was 13 years old..

i just feel so trapped... that new therapist i talked to that 1 time i told i said i felt trapped and he said its no wonder you feel trapped because you are and i didnt know what to say...

he said its no wonder you are looking to disability as a way out...

he said a lot of things and i never went back to talk to him again

its so hard for me to get in touch with my case manager because i dont have a phone... and my dad has been leaving every day to go babysit my niece...

left her a message yesterday though saying i need an appointment come in and talk because things arent well... i dont want to talk over the phone...

i want to talk to her about a lot of things, about making plans to leave the state even... go somewhere i can get medical marijuana since it does help so much and all of the other medications fail...

im just so torn... feeling like if i go to the hospital i might can have the resources available to get things done that i need...
but i have had so many bad experiences with "professionals" helping me and not listening to me...

im afraid, or not so much afraid... but just feeling that if i go to the hospital this time and they dont listen im going to lose it and they're going to see the inside of me...
because im so broken and down... i dont like anyone seeing the inside of me... i dont like the nasty world that exists in side of me... i dont like when the outside world and inside world collide... it causes so much pain and anxiety...

i cant stop the conflicting thoughts... the conflicting dreams... the conflicting ideas...
being pulled apart...
at a crossroads i guess... and i dont know which road to take... or which car to get in... or who to listen to... who to trust...
i cant even listen to myself... trust myself...

im so null and empty... am i a demon..?

i would give up if i existed... but i dont feel like i even exist... so whats the point in giving up anymore...
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Unread 09-15-2017, 05:23 AM   #14
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Default Re: I've gone too far

Quote:
Originally Posted by elevatedsoul View Post
i dont wanna go to the hospital...
i just want everything to be ok, why cant everything just be ok?
i dont want to be locked up... my mind is fighting me..
i just wanna get some weed... weed makes me happy
its always been there for me since i was 13 years old..

i just feel so trapped... that new therapist i talked to that 1 time i told i said i felt trapped and he said its no wonder you feel trapped because you are and i didnt know what to say...

he said its no wonder you are looking to disability as a way out...

he said a lot of things and i never went back to talk to him again

its so hard for me to get in touch with my case manager because i dont have a phone... and my dad has been leaving every day to go babysit my niece...

left her a message yesterday though saying i need an appointment come in and talk because things arent well... i dont want to talk over the phone...

i want to talk to her about a lot of things, about making plans to leave the state even... go somewhere i can get medical marijuana since it does help so much and all of the other medications fail...

im just so torn... feeling like if i go to the hospital i might can have the resources available to get things done that i need...
but i have had so many bad experiences with "professionals" helping me and not listening to me...

im afraid, or not so much afraid... but just feeling that if i go to the hospital this time and they dont listen im going to lose it and they're going to see the inside of me...
because im so broken and down... i dont like anyone seeing the inside of me... i dont like the nasty world that exists in side of me... i dont like when the outside world and inside world collide... it causes so much pain and anxiety...

i cant stop the conflicting thoughts... the conflicting dreams... the conflicting ideas...
being pulled apart...
at a crossroads i guess... and i dont know which road to take... or which car to get in... or who to listen to... who to trust...
i cant even listen to myself... trust myself...

im so null and empty... am i a demon..?

i would give up if i existed... but i dont feel like i even exist... so whats the point in giving up anymore...
No, donít demonize yourself and, yeah, if you arenít on some lousy urine test program, smoke some herb to relax... it can really be beneficial to soothe mind and body.

I donít do hospitals any longer. Too many horror shows. Iíve been to the brink, where you are, and beyond the brink and I can so empathize with what you describe because Iíve been there, too. Just as your father is wary of mental illnesses, I had an evil, wicked stepmother who didnít Ďbelieveí in mental illnesses. Less than three years after her certain proclamation, she blew her brains out. I found hundreds of bottles of unopened antidepressants in her hidden drawer. She didnít believe in mental illnesses, the stupid, stupid woman.

Hmm. Iím not certain of how to say this... but things can get better. I had to bottom out before rising up, I had to be wary of any help before accepting help, I had to put my blind trust into a man who I knew to be kind and honest and, yes, it took years and years but here I am. Not effing perfect, no, no, no, and I have minute-by-minute challenges, and I still **** up, still have symptoms that I need to handle (with the help of terrific meds!) and, yes, Iím always on one side or the other of depression/mania, but thatís me, thatís who I am.

Not sure, again, how to say this, and surely Iím just an old **** raving, but I had to love my symptoms before I could re-engage with daily life. Not a Ďlove myselfí crap - just being okay with flying high and feeling like death, ya know? Tough to explain. I actually miss some of the symptoms, even knowing that Iím better off than not having those symptoms.

There was an exquisite depth of woe down in that dungeon - the thing that you describe: having your own personal hell is comforting in a queer way. Itís the grand hotel of your mind and you know the misery - the terror - of wandering the floors and halls before flinging yourself down, down into the downy depths of your bed seeking sleep and solace and finding nothing.

Youíre scared? You do well to fear yourself. Sooner, I hope, rather than later, you need a fear ally. An old coot, a young therapist, a seasoned shrink, someone, someone, who can ride your fears beside you. A partner, yes, you need a partner. Not your father, no, someone (usually) outside of your present circle-jerk of acquaintances. A maintenance man or woman. Ya ainít broken, yet, but, friend, ya need some maintenance.

**** me. As similar as our shoes may be (joke - I have no legs, no need of shoes!) every, everyone trods a unique and horrifying path. I still struggle in my attempt to get into the minds of folks over internet wires and fiber and whatever. You describe your feelings well, though, and some of us .respond with a zippy affirmation having felt similar challenges.

One last thing. Weíre all ****ed-up. Some of us more than others and, crimeny, it seems that the brighter you are the more likely you are to receive the gifts of Particular & Peculiar Illnesses: the more likely you are to dance with the devil and to require exorcism of demons. No, you are not one nor ten nor a legion of demons, not you. I thought myself responsible for Every Bad Thing - plagues, earthquakes, global warming, the failure to convert the Jews, the gum on the sidewalk, &etc. But there are things that are beyond my (grandiose) control. Yours, too.

Friend, get well, get better, do what you can and seek tenuous help now, more engaged help, later. I love you because youíre a fear-filled fearless human being and that, DT, is what is actually rarer than radium.
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Unread 09-20-2017, 12:44 PM   #15
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Default Re: I've gone too far

Quote:
Originally Posted by ciderguy View Post
No, donít demonize yourself and, yeah, if you arenít on some lousy urine test program, smoke some herb to relax... it can really be beneficial to soothe mind and body.

I donít do hospitals any longer. Too many horror shows. Iíve been to the brink, where you are, and beyond the brink and I can so empathize with what you describe because Iíve been there, too. Just as your father is wary of mental illnesses, I had an evil, wicked stepmother who didnít Ďbelieveí in mental illnesses. Less than three years after her certain proclamation, she blew her brains out. I found hundreds of bottles of unopened antidepressants in her hidden drawer. She didnít believe in mental illnesses, the stupid, stupid woman.

Hmm. Iím not certain of how to say this... but things can get better. I had to bottom out before rising up, I had to be wary of any help before accepting help, I had to put my blind trust into a man who I knew to be kind and honest and, yes, it took years and years but here I am. Not effing perfect, no, no, no, and I have minute-by-minute challenges, and I still **** up, still have symptoms that I need to handle (with the help of terrific meds!) and, yes, Iím always on one side or the other of depression/mania, but thatís me, thatís who I am.

Not sure, again, how to say this, and surely Iím just an old **** raving, but I had to love my symptoms before I could re-engage with daily life. Not a Ďlove myselfí crap - just being okay with flying high and feeling like death, ya know? Tough to explain. I actually miss some of the symptoms, even knowing that Iím better off than not having those symptoms.

There was an exquisite depth of woe down in that dungeon - the thing that you describe: having your own personal hell is comforting in a queer way. Itís the grand hotel of your mind and you know the misery - the terror - of wandering the floors and halls before flinging yourself down, down into the downy depths of your bed seeking sleep and solace and finding nothing.

Youíre scared? You do well to fear yourself. Sooner, I hope, rather than later, you need a fear ally. An old coot, a young therapist, a seasoned shrink, someone, someone, who can ride your fears beside you. A partner, yes, you need a partner. Not your father, no, someone (usually) outside of your present circle-jerk of acquaintances. A maintenance man or woman. Ya ainít broken, yet, but, friend, ya need some maintenance.

**** me. As similar as our shoes may be (joke - I have no legs, no need of shoes!) every, everyone trods a unique and horrifying path. I still struggle in my attempt to get into the minds of folks over internet wires and fiber and whatever. You describe your feelings well, though, and some of us .respond with a zippy affirmation having felt similar challenges.

One last thing. Weíre all ****ed-up. Some of us more than others and, crimeny, it seems that the brighter you are the more likely you are to receive the gifts of Particular & Peculiar Illnesses: the more likely you are to dance with the devil and to require exorcism of demons. No, you are not one nor ten nor a legion of demons, not you. I thought myself responsible for Every Bad Thing - plagues, earthquakes, global warming, the failure to convert the Jews, the gum on the sidewalk, &etc. But there are things that are beyond my (grandiose) control. Yours, too.

Friend, get well, get better, do what you can and seek tenuous help now, more engaged help, later. I love you because youíre a fear-filled fearless human being and that, DT, is what is actually rarer than radium.
I must say,that was a rather good post that I could really relate to.
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Unread 09-21-2017, 09:21 AM   #16
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Default Re: I've gone too far

AA brought me back from a similar place. Prayer does help too. Hand your life over to god and let him do the worrying, what have you to lose if you feel you have nothing? But you have, you have a life, look around you, I mean really look, not at things, your possessions, people, but at the gift of nature - look at the trees, a lake, the sea, mountains. Keep on looking for sadness and you'll find it, look for happiness and you'll find that too.
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Unread 09-21-2017, 04:10 PM   #17
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Default Re: I've gone too far

Quote:
Originally Posted by masterpiece View Post
AA brought me back from a similar place. Prayer does help too. Hand your life over to god and let him do the worrying, what have you to lose if you feel you have nothing? But you have, you have a life, look around you, I mean really look, not at things, your possessions, people, but at the gift of nature - look at the trees, a lake, the sea, mountains. Keep on looking for sadness and you'll find it, look for happiness and you'll find that too.
God-damn. Thatís a load of rubbish.

AA is a cult, with itís own sacred writings, trite and banal sayings, doorknob gods and sick, sick, sick addictions to meetings rather than living life with meaning.

Pray? Youíve read these posts? This person is at the brink and whispering words to some mythological Zeus isnít going to help.

Nature. Oh, yes, beautiful nature has been on a right jolly killing spree of late. The beauty of the crushed child pulled from a crushed building in Mexico City. I find more beauty in the pain of this poster than in any Everest I have summited.

Right-o. Benny Hill for Happiness & Laughter, Rumination might conjure Sadness. What a load, what a load of porcine manure, dumped from the heavens to cover the earth in a gagging scent.

This poster needs support, not wishy-washy platitudes. If you cannot empathise just keep quiet.
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Extolling Those Things That We Donít Mention for Six Decades
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