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Unread 07-16-2017, 11:21 AM   #1
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Default Am i the only one?

am i the only one that struggles with substances?

i feel isolated, left out, such that i dont fit in and that maybe others with similar symptoms dont relate to me or wants anything to do with me because of this


i have tried going sober many times, things didnt get better...
just complicated...

self medicating makes things more bearable, relieves pressure...
but brings on other challenges as well...


currently things are really difficult for me because i've been going through a crisis... i've lost all sense of identity... im trying to find myself... trying to fill a void and stuff stuff inside so i dont feel so empty... so that i dont get sucked into a bottomless pit of despair dragged to the hospital...


im having a real difficult time because i dont want to go back to therapy and talk about this stuff because im afraid of making it worse AGAIN... because all the time i spent in therapy stirred stuff up and made me like this and i just want to try to stabilize and make things normalize... so i dont have anyone to talk to and feel really alone and dont have any real friends that i relate to or trust or that know what im going through or anything like that

and i feel like people here dont really want to hear me because of my substance challenges, but its not really my fault you know because i grew up around drugs and alcohol so i was introduced to it when i was really little...

although im not using very frequently due to money challenges...


im just trying to figure myself out and not getting very far... i feel so strange when i try to think about myself because i dont know who i am, i dont know whats inside of me, i just feel a gaping hole, a vast emptiness consuming me sucking up everything that i encounter trying to become something, just something... but its not me, when all i want is to be me, but i dont even know who is me and it makes me so upset... because its the only thing in the world that i want... i just want my life, a life, to live life


im at the point where i dont know what to do anymore, so i've been doing nothing

just letting go...
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Unread 07-16-2017, 11:28 AM   #2
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Default Re: Am i the only one?

I struggled with drugs when younger. I still smoke cigarettes. Do you know it gets easier the longer you've been off them. Good luck.
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Unread 07-16-2017, 02:28 PM   #3
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Default Re: Am i the only one?

i just dont know where i belong right now...

like, i try looking inside and i dont know what i see

im supposed to be a musician, play music... make music...
but i dont identify with it ... i dont feel like a musician, i dont feel like i make music...
i feel fake, its not me... i dont do that, i can't do it even right now... i dont even know how i do it, or how i did it... i dont understand it, the music, i dont understand alot of things... music is sposed to be a big part of who i am, so im trying to hold onto that as whats up.. but its not helping...

im supposed to be an avid video gamer, but i cant play video games.. i cant do the stuff i used to do... cant read and stuff... i dont identify with it...

i just feel lost

i end up just using more drugs trying to cover up the pain and emptiness... trying to hold onto the one thing that i still identify with... drugs and alcohol...

but i dont recognize who i am or whats going on around me because the way things are are so different...

my behaviors are different, my attitudes are different, everything is different and im just really not sure how to feel or what to think about whats going on


its not bad... im friendly and not having a bad time... its just not who i was... and i dont understand it...


i feel really spaced out through all this...
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Unread 07-16-2017, 08:03 PM   #4
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Default Re: Am i the only one?

I get it. I'm a writer who doesn't write. I'm an artist who doesn't create. I'm an outdoorsy person who never goes outside. When people ask me what I'm into, I can rattle off a list of things I imagine about myself, but they are just shells of things. I always feel like a fake.

I've been sober two and a half years. I got into a real bad spot with alcohol, and I ended up in rehab. My identity issues were a lot worse when I was drinking. I literally could not do the things I said I did, I was always too hammered. These days I'm able to make a lot more progress with things I set my mind to, though I still never feel good enough at anything for it to be real. I still don't really know what I'm about.

Substances feel like the only way to deal with the pain sometimes, but there are other ways. Giving up alcohol was incredibly hard, and it took me a long time to really see the benefit. I can now say that sobriety has improved my sense of self because I can actually do things now. If I want to say I love cooking, I can actually cook without drunkenly chopping off a finger.

I am in no way judging you. I still struggle at times to stay sober. My sobriety doesn't make me any better than anyone else. Do you have any options to get some treatment for the substance abuse?
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Unread 07-17-2017, 08:15 AM   #5
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Default Re: Am i the only one?

i dont know..

at the clinic they are trying to get me to be sober, but my insurance doesnt really cover alot...

they have done a lot for me and are working with me, talking to me about stuff and stuff...


but i guess maybe im just wasting everyones time.... like, i did go to rehab this year.. and since going to rehab i haven't been drinking as much, i detoxed from alcohol while there but when i got out i just kinda got worse ... my symptoms hit me hard, i got worse, and just started to want to get high more... not with just weed


i dunno why my symptoms got worse though.. im thinking its because i was forced out of my shell because i would stay at home and hide a lot and not socialize but then i had to go to the city and be around people, but not just people, other drug addicts and alcoholics too... and i really dont like the city... and didnt really like socializing or being around people at that time... so i guess i had to create a new character or something...

i ended up getting high in rehab even...


so i really am just wasting everyones time... im starting to think that this is just the way that my life is going to be for ever... i mean its all i've ever known anyway, but i just feel more lonely every day because i dont see any girl ever wanting to be with a guy like me no matter how kind, sweet, caring or whatever i am because of my habbits


i just feel like if i could find myself, i would stop chasing the dragon...
i lost myself a long time ago... through all the childhood neglect, abuse, drama, pain, misery, everything


now i feel really really lost, confused, and empty... i don't know what to do besides to continue doing what i know will hold me together so that i dont fall apart or hit another severe crisis... i cant afford it... i dont want to feel the pain any more, i dont want to suffer any more, i dont want to...

im not happy right now, but im not sad... im not depressed... im not angry.. im just empty... and empty isn't too bad right now... its ok, i guess... its so much better than the misery of wanting to die, feeling the intense pain inside screaming out that one just doesnt belong on this planet, doesnt need to be alive, and stuff..


i guess i just need more time... maybe things will come together...
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Unread 07-17-2017, 10:28 AM   #6
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Default Re: Am i the only one?

Quote:
Originally Posted by elevatedsoul View Post
i dont know..

at the clinic they are trying to get me to be sober, but my insurance doesnt really cover alot...

they have done a lot for me and are working with me, talking to me about stuff and stuff...


but i guess maybe im just wasting everyones time.... like, i did go to rehab this year.. and since going to rehab i haven't been drinking as much, i detoxed from alcohol while there but when i got out i just kinda got worse ... my symptoms hit me hard, i got worse, and just started to want to get high more... not with just weed


i dunno why my symptoms got worse though.. im thinking its because i was forced out of my shell because i would stay at home and hide a lot and not socialize but then i had to go to the city and be around people, but not just people, other drug addicts and alcoholics too... and i really dont like the city... and didnt really like socializing or being around people at that time... so i guess i had to create a new character or something...

i ended up getting high in rehab even...


so i really am just wasting everyones time... im starting to think that this is just the way that my life is going to be for ever... i mean its all i've ever known anyway, but i just feel more lonely every day because i dont see any girl ever wanting to be with a guy like me no matter how kind, sweet, caring or whatever i am because of my habbits


i just feel like if i could find myself, i would stop chasing the dragon...
i lost myself a long time ago... through all the childhood neglect, abuse, drama, pain, misery, everything


now i feel really really lost, confused, and empty... i don't know what to do besides to continue doing what i know will hold me together so that i dont fall apart or hit another severe crisis... i cant afford it... i dont want to feel the pain any more, i dont want to suffer any more, i dont want to...

im not happy right now, but im not sad... im not depressed... im not angry.. im just empty... and empty isn't too bad right now... its ok, i guess... its so much better than the misery of wanting to die, feeling the intense pain inside screaming out that one just doesnt belong on this planet, doesnt need to be alive, and stuff..


i guess i just need more time... maybe things will come together...
this raises questions with me..... in your post you stated....

"i ended up getting high in rehab even..."

some reality testing here.. mental health units and rehab makes a person go through detectors and a search process, even visitors now have to go through a process where there are items like drugs, alcohol, sharp objects like razors, knives and such are not allowed through the check points/ guards/ nursing stations and so on. there are cameras everywhere too even in the bedrooms so that the nursing station can know when someone who is detoxing is having problems or shooting up or snorting, vaping, ingesting. theres also blood tests and such....so Im wondering how it was possible for you to get cocaine, weed and meth while in rehab. my suggestion is if you were able to get your drugs while in rehab you might want to tell your treatment provider and the rehab. thats a serious security breach and can actually cause someone else who may still be on the unit or going into the unit problems that can result in their deaths, then the rehab would lose their licencing and the treatment providers in legal problems. Im sure they would probably thank you if you let them know how you got your stuff and that their security process is not working before something legal happens to them and those they are caring for..... I also wonder how the state didnt discover this breach in security. here in my city the state hires someone to play the part of an addict trying to get their fix while in treatment to see if the security process works. Wonder if your location has the same process and how this breach was not detected before now. like I said this raises lots of questions for me.

that said I agree give it some time. and my opinion is stay off the drugs and alcohol. it takes time to get through that withdrawal and cravings part. you said you went a year before, maybe set your self a goal of one year and one day and see what happens. just one more day past what you already know you can accomplish.

Last edited by amandalouise; 07-17-2017 at 01:04 PM. Reason: spelling
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Unread 07-17-2017, 01:02 PM   #7
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Default Re: Am i the only one?

another of us snuck off the unit downstairs because the place is shared with another treatment facility and got something from a guy downstairs

they would leave the door open during the day most of the time ... they had a cell phone hidden and contacted him, didnt take 5 seconds...

i went in the bathroom one time to do adderall and then in my bedroom to do heroin and was crushing up my wellbutrin they were giving me by putting them under my tongue and going to my room with it

i was drug tested like 5 times while there but they never talked to me about it so i dont know if i failed or not, they talked to the others though so i just figured i passed...

i only got high like 3 times though within 30 days or whatever...


its the only thing that i know you know?
i dont know anything else, i dont know who i am, i dont know what to expect... if i stop, im going to fall apart again... i dont want to go through another crisis... i dont want to feel the pain... i dont want to experience those emotions... feelings...


im not happy right now but im not feeling like i was, i dont want to go back to feeling that way, i just cant you know? it will kill me.... i cant....


im scared to go back to that way, i dont know whats wrong with me but i just want to stay like this because its not painful... like... i dont know if that makes any sense...
the pain that i go through is unbearable and i dont want to end up killing myself...

im afraid if i do ANYTHING that i'll trigger a crisis, i feel so fragile and like im on the edge of a cliff... im just trying not to fall off the best i can, the only way i know how


stay calm... trying to stay calm and do what i do you know? avoidance i guess... i've told them that im not going back to therapy right now, im pretty much slowing my treatment down at the moment because its too much for me or became too much for me to deal with... and i just need me time, time to figure out whats going on...

time to stabilize this mess in my head and try to center myself and come to my senses or actually figure out who i am in all this mess...


everyone wants me to get sober but i cant right now you know?
its all i got at the moment... i cant explain it... i just dont want to go back to the pain

i've been sober for 1 day and already my mind is trying to crash, its so scary, i just try to block everything out... but the rumination continues...
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Unread 07-17-2017, 01:34 PM   #8
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Default Re: Am i the only one?

Quote:
Originally Posted by elevatedsoul View Post
another of us snuck off the unit downstairs because the place is shared with another treatment facility and got something from a guy downstairs

they would leave the door open during the day most of the time ... they had a cell phone hidden and contacted him, didnt take 5 seconds...

i went in the bathroom one time to do adderall and then in my bedroom to do heroin and was crushing up my wellbutrin they were giving me by putting them under my tongue and going to my room with it

i was drug tested like 5 times while there but they never talked to me about it so i dont know if i failed or not, they talked to the others though so i just figured i passed...

i only got high like 3 times though within 30 days or whatever...


its the only thing that i know you know?
i dont know anything else, i dont know who i am, i dont know what to expect... if i stop, im going to fall apart again... i dont want to go through another crisis... i dont want to feel the pain... i dont want to experience those emotions... feelings...


im not happy right now but im not feeling like i was, i dont want to go back to feeling that way, i just cant you know? it will kill me.... i cant....


im scared to go back to that way, i dont know whats wrong with me but i just want to stay like this because its not painful... like... i dont know if that makes any sense...
the pain that i go through is unbearable and i dont want to end up killing myself...

im afraid if i do ANYTHING that i'll trigger a crisis, i feel so fragile and like im on the edge of a cliff... im just trying not to fall off the best i can, the only way i know how


stay calm... trying to stay calm and do what i do you know? avoidance i guess... i've told them that im not going back to therapy right now, im pretty much slowing my treatment down at the moment because its too much for me or became too much for me to deal with... and i just need me time, time to figure out whats going on...

time to stabilize this mess in my head and try to center myself and come to my senses or actually figure out who i am in all this mess...


everyone wants me to get sober but i cant right now you know?
its all i got at the moment... i cant explain it... i just dont want to go back to the pain

i've been sober for 1 day and already my mind is trying to crash, its so scary, i just try to block everything out... but the rumination continues...
yea sounds like this place you were in really needs to update their process before someone ends up with major legal problems.
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Unread 07-18-2017, 12:57 AM   #9
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Default Re: Am i the only one?

I'm so sorry to hear how you're struggling. You have a lot going on in your head, but that doesn't have to hold you back from recovery. It's hard to get clean and sober when your mind poses so many distractions. You have to be ready to make so many changes that don't feel safe. I totally get why it's hard.

I was finally ready when it became totally clear that my options were to quit or die a really long and slow death, but realizing that took a long time.

You seem kind of directionless right now. What would you like your life to be like if you could get clean, sober, and and stable?
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Unread 07-18-2017, 08:16 AM   #10
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Default Re: Am i the only one?

i am directionless...

i dont know what i would like my life to be like...

i dont know what i want to be doing... i dont know what i like to be doing...

i cant see into the future or have any visions of the future... i feel like i dont have a future... i dont have a life... i dont know whats inside of me or what makes me a person... im not a person... im just a pathetic waste...


all i want is to be happy...

im not feeling very well... getting depressed again...

i just feel so empty... alone... im so lonely... i dont want to fall back into the pain, but it happens everytime... i know its coming... i cant avoid it like everything else...

really getting tired of this life... the meaninglessness... the pointlessness... the suffering... never being happy... always fronting... faking... just a big fraud...
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