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Unread 03-22-2012, 03:48 AM   #1
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Default Afraid of getting better

Hey guys

About one month ago, I was diagnosed with BPD and MDD. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for over a year now. At this point, I feel like my mental issues have taken over my entire life. I don't know who I am outside of these mood swings, depression and anxiety. I guess I'm worried that I won't have anything left if I do get better.

I feel like BPD is the best and worst part of me. It gives me the passion that can lead me to both beauty and destruction. I don't know who I will be if this part of me is 'healed.' I already have a shaky self-image as it is. It's almost like I've gotten comfortable with this illness.

Additionally, I was just put on psychiatric medicine for the first time. It changes me and confuses me. I don't know if the person who I am on meds is the real me. I feel so numb.

Do any of you ever feel the same way? About getting better? About being someone else on medication?

Sorry if I rambled a bit! I'd love to hear your thoughts!
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Unread 03-22-2012, 08:02 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by Spring701 View Post
Hey guys

About one month ago, I was diagnosed with BPD and MDD. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for over a year now. At this point, I feel like my mental issues have taken over my entire life. I don't know who I am outside of these mood swings, depression and anxiety. I guess I'm worried that I won't have anything left if I do get better.

I feel like BPD is the best and worst part of me. It gives me the passion that can lead me to both beauty and destruction. I don't know who I will be if this part of me is 'healed.' I already have a shaky self-image as it is. It's almost like I've gotten comfortable with this illness.

Additionally, I was just put on psychiatric medicine for the first time. It changes me and confuses me. I don't know if the person who I am on meds is the real me. I feel so numb.

Do any of you ever feel the same way? About getting better? About being someone else on medication?

Sorry if I rambled a bit! I'd love to hear your thoughts!
...wow, I wonder alot at times if I should be responding to things here when I don't feel well....but maybe thats the whole point?....I think I always feel unwell anyway...in such a way as it may as well be 'well'.
....sorry ...too many 'wells' in there!....oh well

medication sent me sideways so often over and over again....I still take one kind of antipsychotic for bipolar I guess.

But it was always like the doctor would say.."hey man ...your personality is clearly a mess!..here try this one"....and then I would go down the chemist and they would hand me my exciting new personality to me in a neat little box.

...it's a delicate thing to tamper with...the personality, after many years of fumbling around in 'prescribed' personalities I had enough!

I call myself the 'factory special' now.....straight off the production line...no accessories or after market modifications....direct from the factory.....with bad designs built in.....how cool.

at least I sort of know what model I am, even if it breaks down alot..
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Unread 03-23-2012, 06:39 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by Spring701 View Post
Hey guys

About one month ago, I was diagnosed with BPD and MDD. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for over a year now. At this point, I feel like my mental issues have taken over my entire life. I don't know who I am outside of these mood swings, depression and anxiety. I guess I'm worried that I won't have anything left if I do get better.

I feel like BPD is the best and worst part of me. It gives me the passion that can lead me to both beauty and destruction. I don't know who I will be if this part of me is 'healed.' I already have a shaky self-image as it is. It's almost like I've gotten comfortable with this illness.

Additionally, I was just put on psychiatric medicine for the first time. It changes me and confuses me. I don't know if the person who I am on meds is the real me. I feel so numb.

Do any of you ever feel the same way? About getting better? About being someone else on medication?

Sorry if I rambled a bit! I'd love to hear your thoughts!
I've had this fear, too. If I become "healthy", what will be left of me? Where will the passion and intensity go? Who will I be? Will I feel nothing like that at all anymore? I can't stand the thought of being emotionally "flat". Even if it's "sick", I don't feel like I can give up the obsession and other things. How will I feel otherwise? I find I'm very confused and anxious about it, too, almost to the point of not wanting therapy at all. And yet, the destruction. I don't know what's right or good.

I hated how medication made me feel. It was not "me", and what bothered me even more was that other people liked me a lot better when I was on medication. So I quit taking it. I'm not going back on it, not for anything. It made me feel numb, too. It was horrible. But it's a personal choice for everyone, and some people feel it has completely saved them. But me...I want to feel myself and know what it is to feel. I want to be free to fly or fall, even if it ultimately destroys me.

Thank you for bringing this up. Sorry for rambling.
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Unread 03-23-2012, 06:44 AM   #4
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DM, agreed. I'm not sure they even really know what they're doing with the meds. The human brain is so complex, and each brain is a bit different, no? So what is this one-size-fits-all mentality? Maybe years from now, they'll make discoveries that will make them say, "OOPS. We tampered with the brain chemistry of so many people, and it was the wrong way to treat them. Oh well, that's in the past."

But I do understand that some people feel a definite need for the medication, whatever drawbacks there might be.
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Unread 03-23-2012, 07:43 AM   #5
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I agree with losing passion, and I don't miss obsession because I obsessed over people that did me wrong or who I did wrong. I live in a state of bordome a lot...which makes me wonder if I'm depressed all the time. 'This morning I feel tird and depressed...but that's cause I swiped one of my daughter's focalin yesterday to clean the house. That's a no no for me....but I was so overwhelmed by a med change...I told them not to put me on the seraquil again....so recovering from those samples made my house look like the beginnings of an episode of hoarders. I couldn't cope. My husband got it down to where I just have to do laundry today...so I can watch tv and do that all day. (7 person family). I do feel like crying today and wanting to sleep...but that's my fault. I just had to try those ADD meds one more time.
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Unread 03-23-2012, 08:07 AM   #6
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I agree with losing passion, and I don't miss obsession because I obsessed over people that did me wrong or who I did wrong. I live in a state of bordome a lot...which makes me wonder if I'm depressed all the time. 'This morning I feel tird and depressed...but that's cause I swiped one of my daughter's focalin yesterday to clean the house. That's a no no for me....but I was so overwhelmed by a med change...I told them not to put me on the seraquil again....so recovering from those samples made my house look like the beginnings of an episode of hoarders. I couldn't cope. My husband got it down to where I just have to do laundry today...so I can watch tv and do that all day. (7 person family). I do feel like crying today and wanting to sleep...but that's my fault. I just had to try those ADD meds one more time.
For me the passion and obsession seem to go hand-in-hand. I do that kind of obsessing, too, but I primarily obsess over people I'm attached to - obsessive love and attentiveness, I suppose, with my world revolving around them and getting reactions and feelings from them. If I don't care about anyone or anything, I can act more stable for a little while and not have outbursts, but ultimately I begin to become self-destructive because I can't FEEL, and I'm bored, and it just becomes this crazy, restless madness seething under my skin. (I tried to describe this to the last therapist I saw for all of two visits. Even told her it made me want to tear off my skin and run away screaming. Her paraphrase was, "So it's kind of a 'blah' feeling?" That was it for her, LOL.) Then it gets to the point that I'll do anything to break it. I don't really know how to describe it. Damned if I do and damned if I don't, haha.

Awww...T__T I'm glad that your husband is helping out and making it so that you don't have quite so much to deal with. (Oh man, the STUFF drives me crazy. I hate it when it's not MY stuff and I can't just get rid of it if I feel like it. Makes me feel trapped and demented.)
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Unread 03-23-2012, 11:17 AM   #7
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Default Re: Afraid of getting better

I'm a newbie here so forgive me if I'm stepping on toes.... I'm no psychiatrist, just a mom with a 20 year old son who recently got dx'd with BPD because of an episode.

The way I understand this: the meds are to prevent another episode. If you an put enough distance in between them, then the problem will be milder.

I know this sucks. I understand you only to be yourself. Please be careful.
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Unread 03-27-2012, 03:55 AM   #8
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Thanks for the responses guys <3 they helped, it's nice to know I'm not the only one
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