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Old 03-08-2018, 01:31 AM   #1
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Frown I hate the way I look so so much

I hate the way I look so so much, I'll sometimes list out in my head everything about myself that is wrong and ugly. My forehead is too big, I'm a girl but I still have a borderline receding hairline, my nose is huge (a guy once told me that he remembered me as "that girl with the big nose"), my eyes are small, my eyebrows are shapeless and too close to my eyes, my lips are wrinkly and too close to my nose, my jawline isn't defined at all-from the front I can look cute in pictures if I smile, but only from the front, and from a very specific angle. My profile has only ever been ugly, and I sometimes take videos of me turning my head so that I can see what I look like in profile, and then rewatch them and cry. I take pictures where I don't pose, and save them so that I can know what I actually look like, and whenever I'm out in public I turn my head every time I pass a window or anything reflective, just so that I can check to see how I look. I know people say beauty is on the inside, but I know that how you look affects how you go about life, and how people perceive you (it's scientifically proven!) and even though it's toxic the first thing I do when I meet someone is judge them by their looks, and compare them to myself. I'm secretly bitter against all the beautiful girls I meet, because I'm jealous, and I hate that aspect of myself. All I want is to get better, and to be better, but it's eating me up from the inside and I just can't help myself. I cry alot, but I'm too ashamed to tell my friends that I hate myself this much because alot of them have body issues too, and have told me that they wish they could look like me. I feel like I have no right to feel this way about myself, but I do, and it feels hopeless and horrible.
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Old 03-09-2018, 12:06 AM   #2
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Sowieso, I'm sorry to read about your feelings of physical inadequacy. I can relate to your problem and had very similar thoughts and from age 15 until maybe my early 40s. I felt my big nose looked horrible and had it operated when I was 22. I despised my profile, my hair was never right, I obsessively checked my face in mirrors, dreaded big mirrors in clothes shops and at the same time obsessively checked my body posture in anything reflective. I was convinced everything would improve if only I could get rid of that big nose, but it didn't take long after the operation until my attention shifted elsewhere, especially on imperfections of the surgery, my thinning hair, a slightly yellow tooth, or whatever else I'd perceive as negative. I would have phases where I stopped worrying about my looks for months, and then suddenly the thoughts were back and I stared in the mirror wondering what on earth I could do to improve that nose.

At some point it occurred to me that my problem couldn't possibly be just my physical appearance, since sometimes I suffered terribly and at other times I was hardly bothered, whilst my body hadn't changed. A little later I stumbled upon a documentary on body dysmorphic disorder and had the "yes, that's exactly me" kind of insight. Which unfortunately doesn't stop unwanted and intrusive thoughts, but the various internet sources on BDD are a very good start to get better.

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OCD/BDD, suspected BPD, and supposedly C-PTSD, too.
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Old 03-10-2018, 05:55 AM   #3
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Default Re: I hate the way I look so so much

one of the worst things for me, is when I shower.

I'm standing their, totally naked, looking a right mess. fat and ugly

well.. people have said to me that I'm not fat, but I know I am- the overeating and the lack of exercise has seen to that.

I can't even touch my body when naked.... because it looks disgusting, and for days after my shower, I feel so bad and so ugly for getting myself out in full (disgusting)

the other one is walking past someone.

I always end up saying something like... oh here comes the clown, but to be fair, if I was performing at a children's party, most of them (and the parents) would run a mile
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Old 03-19-2018, 06:51 PM   #4
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In my bathroom the Mirror is wall to wall at the sink. When I get out of the shower I have to shut the lights off to dry myself off because I get disgusted at my ugly naked body. I can even look at myself.
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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