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Old 03-23-2019, 09:11 AM #1
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Default Being your own worst enemy

How do you guys handle having yourself be the one who sabotages you the most?

I feel like it might be worse because I'm so freshly (and tentatively) diagnosed, but I keep trying to convince myself "I'm faking it" or "I'm fine, all of the things we are finding are things I am making up" or "I am just dramatic"

It's worse right now, my anxiety is really spiking the last few days, which I know doesn't help. The last week was the only time I can remember in the last couple of years that I felt normal, and I'm taking it really hard that I'm tanking again.

I'm also so hesitant to call my psychiatrist, even though she has told me multiple times to call *anytime anything at all* changes. I feel like I'm disrupting her or bothering her or something, it literally makes me nauseous to think of picking up the phone to call. Heaven forbid a receptionist is free and I can't just leave a message on the answering machine.

It's hard being able to recognize that these things I'm telling myself aren't true, but being too paralyzed to help myself past them.
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Old 03-23-2019, 02:30 PM #2
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Default Re: Being your own worst enemy

I'm also so hesitant to call my psychiatrist, even though she has told me multiple times to call *anytime anything at all* changes. I feel like I'm disrupting her or bothering her or something, it literally makes me nauseous to think of picking up the phone to call. Heaven forbid a receptionist is free and I can't just leave a message on the answering machine.



call ... take her at her word ... that is why you are going there in the first place ...

and welcome ... hope you find help here ...I know you will find friendship ...
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Old 03-23-2019, 03:41 PM #3
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Default Re: Being your own worst enemy

Well, it's mostly my mouth. And my actions, that's all.

I definetely have mellow down with age.
I like myself much better now.
No need to prove anything. And very little needs.
A lot of wants still. But not like before.

When I was in my forties, I wanted to buy a farm.
I did. The worst possible deal. But it was cheap. It's still cheap, 25 years later.

In my incursions to the coutryside, I found the perfect 10-acres farm for sale.
I could mostly not affort it. I knew. Full of fruit trees. Very manicured. Great 3/2/2.
But I called anyway.
They wanted 450k at the time. 25years ago. I had fifty. But it was worth it.

Out of curiosity, I asked the owner why he was selling such a marvelous place.
"Because I've lost the desire to go over there."
Thank God my "farm" needs no maintaince. That bad.
Because, even if you pay me, now I don't want to go over there either.

Cheers.
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Old 03-23-2019, 06:15 PM #4
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Default Re: Being your own worst enemy

I can relate. I'm newly diagnosed. It is a lot to take and I have to come to terms with it daily and sometimes more than once a day. I considered myself balanced and self aware before all this happened and now I mostly feel lost. I second guess myself constantly and wish often things could just go back to how they were before mania destroyed so much of what I worked so hard to build for myself.

I'm finding that treatment is like any other work that I do. I get out of it what I put into it. When I approach it with little confidence and just allow others to push me where they think I need to go I find I'm disappointed in the results. I have a better outcome when I plan and prepare and speak truthfully and with confidence. I'm heard and the results aren't perfect, but more what I need.

To your original question, it is devastating knowing I did all of this. I sabotaged my own life. How could this even happen? It is still very surreal. Learning more about the science of bipolar helped. I have a genetic disease that interferes with my brain's ability to process emotion. It isn't my fault and I didn't see it coming. Nobody did. But... I know what I am dealing with now and I can either take responsibility for my health or I can let it steamroll me again. I'm a fighter, so I'm learning all I can and picking up all of the tools I can to battle. I know I won't always win, but I can live with myself if I know I gave it my best every day.

Don't hesitate to reach out for help. Support is key to success. Your doctor offered because it is their job. Not reaching out when you need to only hurts you. Blessings for peace. I know what its like to be your own enemy. Hopefully this feeling will pass and we will see ourselves as our best ally in a battle that hopefully gets easier with time.
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Old 03-24-2019, 03:06 AM #5
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Default Re: Being your own worst enemy

I can relate to the *i refuse to call Pdoc and especially my T *

Advice ? Be kind to yourself, easier said than done I know.

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Old 03-24-2019, 01:17 PM #6
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Default Re: Being your own worst enemy

I always feel intrusive when I call my T or Pdoc. I hate doing it and become extremely anxious which exacerbates what I was calling for. Like the slogan - Just do it!
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Old 03-25-2019, 03:35 AM #7
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Default Re: Being your own worst enemy

I often am my own worst enemy: self medicating, hiding details from my T and pdoc, pushing limits when I know Im getting hypomanic so I can go higher, and many other things. Why? I really have no concrete idea. I want to live. I guess I sometimes just dont give a f***.
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Old 03-25-2019, 07:02 AM #8
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Default Re: Being your own worst enemy

I'm a stubborn person -- so my harsh critique of myself isn't going to change because simply because someone says " Oh don't be so hard on yourself" . One thing I try to do is be objective about it however. I've been in your shoes where I wonder if it's all just in my head. I step back and say to myself -- " Ok, could I really do anything about this? Was I in control of it? Is it something that I did or failed to do that lead to this? If so, am I really able to say I knew the consequence?" -- stuff like that, in specific terms of feeling like I'm 'faking it' , I often go to a specific line of thought -- "Even if I were, I know there is dis-regulation in my life beyond what seems to be normal. Forget labels for a moment, you need to realize you need some help, some some source. You can't fake that need."



Hope those thoughts can help.
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