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Old 02-19-2019, 10:36 AM   #501
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Anxious. And this morning I realized that it's not *just* the anxiety of starting a new job. Well, it's related, but... Have I mentioned it's a union job? I LOATHE unions and am royally PISSED OFF at being forced into one. This is making me very agitated. (I also feel tricked as no mention had been made of it and then a letter appeared from them -- after I'd already given notice at my old job.) I'm more than ready to launch into a diatribe on the subject at anyone in my path. This is not a good state for maintaining the stability I've been having. And I just can't calm down about it.

And I need to call them this morning.

To find out about insurance. Oh, this ought to be fun. I really want to rip someone a new one.

I have been SO CALM. SO BALANCED. And this has sent me positively ballistic.

This has me in fear for my stability. I feel like a cornered animal.
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Old 02-19-2019, 11:05 AM   #502
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It was nice being with my husband yesterday. He had President's Day off, a holiday I never had off at my former workplace. We were out at places like Lowes and grocery stores for most of the day. I was tired!

I've had a bit of trouble getting to sleep as early as I've wanted lately. I'm not sure why. I don't think it's any growing hypomania, just being more physically active than usual, which is good. I don't want to bet on it, but I feel like I've lost a few pounds. However, sometimes I think that and I haven't, or even gain a few pounds.

I see my psychiatrist today. He gives me 20 minute sessions, which are usually plenty, but today he has to fill out a form for me. That's a bummer, because I have a number of things to mention, and I hate racing through topics like a whirlwind. I actually really enjoy seeing him. He's almost like a father figure.

I finally washed my hair today. It was looking a little scraggly.

I'm on the cusp of some steps forward, but I'm procrastinating something I need to do to get that rolling. I've got to push myself. My therapist expects that I will have it done by Thursday.
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Old 02-19-2019, 11:44 AM   #503
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Non-dairy creamer is flammable. Act accordingly.

Bipolar Check-In Thread #32

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Old 02-19-2019, 12:38 PM   #504
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Here and exhausted. My daughter (11 years old) had insomnia last night and kept getting more and more anxious as the night wore on, waking me and crying. She did not go to sleep until 5 or 5:30 AM. After she kept waking me, I could not go back to sleep after 2 AM. Woke her around 10:30 AM, had a sort of brunch and took her to school around noon (though she's still counted absent). But at least she won't miss her 2nd teacher's instruction after lunch and can get her homework from the morning class she missed. I only got her to sleep giving her Benadryl, but this keeps happening (though usually not this extreme, and this is the 1st time I resorted to children's Benadryl).

I just don't know what to do. It doesn't help that I've read circadian rhythms change for teenagers, and though she is only 11 (5th grade), she is advanced physically and already the size of a small adult, 5'1" tall and just over 100 lb. And she's always been ahead mentally in all her subjects even if she is behind with some fine motor skills (brushing out hair tangles, climbing down stairs, tying a bow), but it seems to be getting better with things as time goes by. I am pretty sure she has sensory processing disorder. We just can't afford to get it diagnosed & get the occupational therapy she needs as most of the things she has issues with do not affect her school day, so the school does not pay for any treatment.
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Old 02-19-2019, 02:53 PM   #505
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Talked with pdoc's nurse. Im back on seroquel to rid me of this hypomania.
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Old 02-19-2019, 03:12 PM   #506
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I showered today after not showering for I don't really know how long but a while. Did some other stuff hoping I would feel better but that didn't happen. My mom reminded me if it weren't for her I'd be living under the bridge or permanently locked up and she's right. Still having suicidal thoughts but no intentions. Yee
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Old 02-19-2019, 03:59 PM   #507
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Feeling pretty good although I pulled a muscle in my back carrying a microwave in. Going to Drum Circle tonight and bible study and another meet up tomorrow. Getting back into having a social life. Seeing pdoc tomorrow. Feeling better so not sure Iíll bring up my slip up. I know, I know...I need to tell him.

This thing with my mom has turned into a full time care giving job for me and it shouldnít be. She is in excellent health and when I catch her off guard she acts more than capable of caring for herself. Itís when sheís with someone that she acts old and feeble. As much as I love her, she is demanding, unreasonable and difficult to deal with. Her mother, Gigi, was the exact opposite and such a pleasure to be around.

I feel totally used up, taken advantage of and unappreciated. Iíve thought about talking to her or trying therapy. She is stressing me out and Iím exhausted and sheís making my brother really anxious which is not good for him.

I donít know what the answer is but thanks for letting me vent.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.
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Old 02-19-2019, 04:07 PM   #508
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I saw my psychiatrist earlier. He filled out a form I needed him to complete. Then when I got home, I photocopied them and just glanced at the cover letter, which has been the same for years, and saw they now require a copy of the most recent appointment's notes. Dang! I had to call and leave a message asking for them. I got worked up and also wrote a note and delivered it back to his office in an envelope (he's only 5 mins away by car). The secretary was gone, so I slipped the thing under the hallway door. He must have still been there (or the other doctor) because the door to the waiting room was open.

He often acts so stiff, despite knowing me for 13 years. I think he thought my mood was a little elevated. Was/is it? I don't know! I did sort of tease/flirt with him mildly, but I do that a lot with many men, plus he knows I absolutely adore him. Whatever! I guess I have to act like some kind of stiff person from now on. But then he'd think I was depressed, and/or I probably wouldn't be successful at that because I suck as an actress! I'd probably start laughing towards the end.

Before I went to the appointment, I had in my mind to ask if I could finally stop the Ativan weaning off (go to 0 mg) or lower my Seroquel XR to 500 mg. But then towards the end of the session he said "I think you should just stay where you are with your medication." [Meaning 550mg Seroquel XR - all the rest always stays the same.] And instead of me saying I'd like it lowered, I said "I know the word 'patience' very well! I'm going to just keep being patient. My mom would be proud that I've finally learned it very well, but it's still like a thumb in my side!"

I'll be curious to see what in the heck my last visit's notes say. I've never even seen his notes. I'd be curious to really know what in the heck he writes. Or will he make some kind of crazy thing up?

I told him about that psychologist that rejected me because she thought I need "a team". He didn't comment on that either way. I was sort of hoping he'd say something, but the problem is that sometimes I say a lot of things and he doesn't comment. I just keep talking and he either stares or nods and I'm so wrapped up in what I'll say next that I don't think about forcing a response. I only wonder what he was thinking well after the fact. And I never remember to ask him next time, because there's a whole new set of things to talk about. It's often similar with my therapist.

Last edited by BirdDancer; 02-19-2019 at 04:38 PM..
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Old 02-19-2019, 06:25 PM   #509
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I don't want to take the seroquil! Im lovin myself right now! Getting along great with everybody, lovin life, having the best sex of my life. I don't want to give that up!
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Old 02-19-2019, 06:36 PM   #510
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I talked with C today. Known each other 10 years maybe?
We talk on the phone most days of the week for hours at a time. We talk about everything. The last few times we've talked have been great. Both sides. I like communicating with him. Its been that way forever actually- but something changed this week. We are open with each other, going places we just hadn't before personally. Funny how these things work themselves. He is a positive person!
"I attempt from love's sickness to fly in vain for I am myself my own fever and pain." Oh wise Purcell! Its silly to get all twitterpated at our ages but whatever. Hahaha!
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