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Unread 07-29-2017, 06:57 AM   #1
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Default Bipolar Check in thread #20

Last one had reached 100 pages so here is a brand new one
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Unread 07-29-2017, 08:30 AM   #2
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Default Re: Bipolar Check in thread #20

Just packing and cab taking us to airport soon. Still not overly excited but I'm hopeful which is better than depressed. If I don't return it's cause I'm a melted puddle in key west!
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Last edited by liveforsummer; 07-29-2017 at 09:19 AM.
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Unread 07-29-2017, 09:11 AM   #3
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Default Re: Bipolar Check in thread #20

I just finished the 2 week orientation at the my new job (in a hospital). The hospital is so huge and the layout such a chaotic maze (and me with no sense of direction) it's caused no end of anxiety. I see my colleagues, their relaxed demeanors, and am jealous and feel so so bad. It takes so much energy to hide anxiety -or the worst of it. And I'm exhausted. I feel down at work, because of all of this, and this is also so hard to hide.

I'm a Certified Spanish Medical Interpreter, so I interpret for Spanish-speaking patients all over the hospital, inpatients and outpatients.

I move on to per diem work now (I'm called in when needed and can refuse jobs if I want to, but I need to take as many as I can to make enough money) and it's scary. The money is in taking night and weekend shifts (where there's no one to help you, you're alone, no dispatcher or other interpreters, night interpreters work til 1:30am and weekend interpreters work 12-hour shifts. Both are responsible for the entire hospital). If I were to take these shifts it would be so nerve-wracking because I still don't know my way around, especially the ER, with it's 8 different areas, that don't make a lot of sense how they're laid out.

In short, I'm very very anxious and having a hard time hiding this from my co-workers and my boss. I feel so alone. I've even considered bringing Klonopin with me in case I need it, but it makes me a bit sleepy and I need to be wide awake...

I know this will get better with time, but I'm afraid of making terrible mistakes along the way. I've gotten lots of tours of the hospital and still have a very hard time finding my way around. I feel so bad. I feel stupid. My lack of sense of direction has come to bite me.

As has my back pain. I can't stand for very long without searing pain in my back. My last job, in California, was mostly outpatient so I could sit for much of the time. Not here. ER is pure standing as are inpatient encounters.

Sorry this is so long. The long and short of it, is my terrible anxiety and my ability to hide it. I wonder how others do it. It's so so hard. And it's starting to bring my mood down, more every day.
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Unread 07-29-2017, 09:36 AM   #4
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Default Re: Bipolar Check in thread #20

wow we have 20 now?

that's sorta cool.

I did my grocery shopping yesterday. of course, most of it was junkfood, but I can say i've done it (was meant to do it wednesday, so was really running out of stuff!)

not much else went on yesterday, besides the usual imsomnia.

mood is pretty good though and that continues today
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Unread 07-29-2017, 11:40 AM   #5
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Default Re: Bipolar Check in thread #20

Well I must have finally fallen asleep around 6, woke up around 1130.
Had some weird dreams that i can semi remember.
Feeling okay, but sort of lonely I think. I'm supposed to go to the boardwalk and listen to a concert from the beach (we don't have tix and didn't want to pay for them so this is the poor mans method of concert viewing). Not sure I want to. I should get up and make myself something good and healthy to eat but I know that there is a giant pile of dishes awaiting me in the kitchen that I don't feel like dealing with right now.

Anyhow, I was just thinking that I kind of miss a wavy life. I don't know how to just be content with fine. It is too dull or something. When depressed I will do anything just to feel okay. Fine would be fantastic. But now that I am not in a depression, I find fine is not enough. I want great. I want fuucking amazing.

Anyway, sending everybody who needs it a giant hug.
You people continue to awe me with your strength and ability to keep going through hell and making it out intact on the other side. Take care.
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Unread 07-29-2017, 12:14 PM   #6
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Unhappy Re: Bipolar Check in thread #20

Was on the computer until 4;30am.....
Drank too much when I got home from trivia.
Hubby is gone until tuesday. I found some mariquana green buds he was hiding from me.
He is in colorado until tuesday. Hope he is not sneeking them thru security on his flight...., he could get caught.
sigh
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I will google what a bud looks like....yep buds.
They smell awful!
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Unread 07-29-2017, 12:17 PM   #7
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Default Re: Bipolar Check in thread #20

Holy crap at airport gonna board soon starting to feel panicky. Haven't felt that about flying in a while. S**t!
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Unread 07-29-2017, 12:20 PM   #8
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Red face Re: Bipolar Check in thread #20

Quote:
Originally Posted by liveforsummer View Post
Holy crap at airport gonna board soon starting to feel panicky. Haven't felt that about flying in a while. S**t!
Take some deep breaths, do you have some klonipin to take for anxiety?
good luck and sorry starting to feel panicky.
(((((HUGS))))
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Unread 07-29-2017, 12:26 PM   #9
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Default Re: Bipolar Check in thread #20

I feel like I need to go IP again, I seriously don't feel like I'm going to be okay at my house for much longer but we can't afford it. We're already in crippling debt with medical bills from the past 6 years and my parents are preoccupied with my sister's mental health. With my parents it's one or the other of us, never both. So I have to choose: start an unintentional power struggle where my sister will make an effort to be "worse" than me, or let myself go without proper help?
I don't know if I can do this.
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Unread 07-29-2017, 12:56 PM   #10
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Red face Re: Bipolar Check in thread #20

Quote:
Originally Posted by porcelainboy View Post
I feel like I need to go IP again, I seriously don't feel like I'm going to be okay at my house for much longer but we can't afford it. We're already in crippling debt with medical bills from the past 6 years and my parents are preoccupied with my sister's mental health. With my parents it's one or the other of us, never both. So I have to choose: start an unintentional power struggle where my sister will make an effort to be "worse" than me, or let myself go without proper help?
I don't know if I can do this.
I am sorry you are not well.
Get the help you need. YOu have to take care of yourself. Try not to worry about competition.
((((HUGS))))
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