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Old 09-07-2018, 09:04 PM   #1
CasuallyAwkward
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Default Don't Know How To Feel

This is kind of a rant, but any input is appreciated. I'm not really sure where to put this or if any warnings are necessary. Any input is appreciated.

So, I recently got out of a relationship that lasted almost 8 years. Our anniversary would have been this week, and I got broken up with in the wee hours of August 30th. A lot had been going on for me and my former S.O. We were struggling financially due to the difficulties of finding work. I'm was and am still in an uphill battle with SSI to try to get on disability. Finally, for the past year and a half, my former partner had been transitioning into a woman.

Now, to add to all of this, both of us have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I have been diagnosed with ADHD on top of that. A lot of people that I know are positive that I have autism, one of them being a therapist. My mother suspected it when I was young, but since none of the therapists she brought me to brought it up, she didn't push this issue. In the appointment with my new therapist I actually expressed the need for a proper diagnosis/testing for this.

Now, I had been struggling to cope with my former partner's transition. I was unbelievably worried about them since there was a lot of talk between them and our roommate(who was also trans) about how their lack of acceptance in our society made life a lot more difficult for them and how much more likely they were to be assaulted.

I was doing my best to try to adjust and trying to push away the part of my mind that so desperately wanted them to go back to the way they were. I knew for a fact that they would never be happy masquerading as a cis man. The body modification that they were started was difficult to get used to. I've always had really sensitive skin, so physical contact started to be painful once they started shaving. I brought it up to them because they asked me what was wrong. I was upset because hugs and cuddles used to make me feel really safe. We talked about it. I made sure to bring up that I didn't want them to hesitate because of me since it was their body and I would feel terrible.

There was another issue with them reusing dull, disposable razors to keep themselves clean shaven that we had a couple of arguments about since it wasn't healthy and I wanted them to take care of themself. Eventually it was decided to just take the hit to the finances to buy razors more often since they weren't that expensive. I thought that it was solved and that was the end of it.

I was breaking down sobbing more and more often with life going in the direction it was going. I always felt completely overwhelmed and not sure what to do. It felt like they were getting more and more distant as time went on, which didn't help. I was also gone a lot as the only way I have to earn income right now are the house/pet sitting jobs that I get.

It happened late last Thursday evening. I had a severe pain and tightened muscles in my neck and right shoulder since the night before. I called Urgent Care that morning and was told that the most they would be able to do for me is give me some pain meds and send me on my way. In the evening our roommate was nice enough to offer me some of their Flexeril. Normally I strongly object to taking other people's meds, but it wasn't really getting any better so I ended up agreeing. I know it was a dumb mistake.

Maybe 45 minutes later they asked if it was helping since I guess it looked like I was moving a bit more. I didn't feel like it was, but I also wasn't feeling any worse. I told them that it still felt really painful to move and I wasn't noticing a difference. They started to freak out and tell me that that's not what I originally told them. According to them, I told them that they were completely locked up and unable to move at all. Then I started to freak out and insist that I could have sworn that I did. Then, according to them, I start changing my story and they accuse me of gaslighting them. I'm in full blown anxiety attack at this point trying to figure out what was real. I've had problems with my memory before due to the ADHD and possible autism. They're no feeling safe because they've had problems being gaslit in the past. I'm not feeling safe because I'm trying to figure out what's going on and due to the fact that I don't like the fact that I'm upsetting them.

At the time, my former significant other wasn't actually in the apartment. They liked to pace around the complex a lot in order to think. It's at this point that our room mate calls her up on the phone and tells her to come back and fix her relationship because they couldn't deal anymore. (cont.)
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Old 09-07-2018, 09:27 PM   #2
CasuallyAwkward
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Default Re: Don't Know How To Feel

Between what just happened with the roommate, doubting my own memories, and this sudden talk about fixing our relationship, I'm in the middle of a full blown anxiety attack. My mind is locking up and my hands can't stop fidgeting. My former significant other(I'll refer to her from now on as 'Connie') finally comes back into the apartment after getting our roommate's(I'll refer to them from now on as 'Amber') call.

Connie sits down and tells me that we've been having a lot of problems in our relationship. I knew we were having some and that we had a lot of work to do on both of our ends. Connie said that if we kept going like that, one of us was inevitably going to commit suicide. I had no idea things were that bad. This was the first mention of it.

The thing is, Connie had been apparently been talking to Amber about this for the past 15 weeks behind my back. According to them my frequent breakdowns were emotionally abusive and I wasn't being as supportive as I needed to be in regards to Connie's transition. I felt absolutely awful. I had no idea I was making my partner feel that way. When I would sit there and cry, Connie would always try to coddle me instead of tell me there was a problem. Whenever I thought a problem was fixed, they would apparently go and cry about it to Amber.

Now, when they actually brought these problems to my attention, I was shocked. I had no idea what I was doing was upsetting Connie like that. They had had some anger issues in the past where when we'd argue, they would try to verbally attack whoever they were arguing with in order to 'win' the argument rather than actually try to fix anything. They had gotten better about that over the years, but whenever they tried to coddle me when I was upset and assure me that I hadn't done anything wrong, it felt like they were just going back to that. They never stuck it out and insisted that the problem was me.(cont)
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Old 09-07-2018, 10:07 PM   #3
CasuallyAwkward
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Default Re: Don't Know How To Feel

Once again, I'm still in anxiety attack mode, so I 'm feeling very overwhelmed. I'm not allowed to give any input and am told that if anybody should be upset it should be Connie since I've turned her into an abuse victim. I was told that I've been doing this since the beginning of the relationship by getting upset when Connie didn't do the things that I wanted her to do.

The three examples they listed were wearing shoes when they went outside to pace(in an apartment complex where it wasn't unlikely to see broken glass or needles on the pavement), eating what they wanted(I've gotten on them about eating more vegetables), and having the type of relationship that they wanted with another of our friends(whom they spent about half a year telling me they weren't sure if they would leave me to try to get with them if they became available).

Amber also accused me of trying to make Connie feel bad for transitioning and that I didn't actually want a trans partner. They said that stubble causing me pain was ********. I was told that I when I was breaking down that I was sequestering Connie in our room to berate them, especially when friends were planning on coming over the next day. Admitedly, several of my breakdowns did happen when we were expecting company the next day, but they talking like this had been planned! Like there was some big take away for me!

Looking back at everything now, yes. I am at fault here. It sounds like me being upset a lot in the recent past caused Connie a lot of problems. I never wished any of that upon her and wish I could take it all back. I wanted to be more supportive of her transition. I was just so scared for her and didn't know what she was looking for. I thought I was doing so much better than I actually was. There's a reason the saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" exists. I feel like I'm living that saying right now.

And at the same time, I'm feeling betrayed. I never knew this was a problem. They deliberately kept this a secret from me for AT LEAST 15 weeks. And they're both well aware that I'm autistic and can't actually check my own behavior. If I don't know there's a problem, I don't know what to look for or even that there's something to look for to begin with.

Not only that, but apparently my best friend that I've known since middle school was in on it too. We'll call them Kate. Kate's actually the one that picked me up from the apartment that night since I was no longer welcomed there. When I asked them why nobody had told me about it sooner, the only response that I got was that it wasn't their place.

So, yeah. That's basically my story of what brings me here. My mind keeps going back and forth about how to feel about the situation. Pretty much the only constant is how alone I feel since a little over a week ago they were the circle of friends that I felt like I could trust. The only others I have left are someone who lives about two hours North of me, and someone who lives on the other side of the country.

I'll give more information if requested. I'm just having a lot of issues trying to figure out everything that happened that night. I don't know what to do with myself.

Thank you very much for reading.

Last edited by CasuallyAwkward; 09-08-2018 at 12:40 AM..
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Old 09-08-2018, 01:33 AM   #4
CasuallyAwkward
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Default Re: Don't Know How To Feel

Okay, feelings of betrayal are definitely intensified right now. I don't have many people I feel particularly close to. Connie, Amber, and Kate were my closest friends. I felt like I could trust them. Then it feels like the second they have a problem with me they just conveniently forget that I'm autistic. It's like they didn't even try to keep me around...
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Old 09-08-2018, 02:20 AM   #5
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Default Re: Don't Know How To Feel

Quote:
Originally Posted by CasuallyAwkward View Post
Looking back at everything now, yes. I am at fault here. It sounds like me being upset a lot in the recent past caused Connie a lot of problems. I never wished any of that upon her and wish I could take it all back. I wanted to be more supportive of her transition. I was just so scared for her and didn't know what she was looking for. I thought I was doing so much better than I actually was. There's a reason the saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" exists. I feel like I'm living that saying right now.

And at the same time, I'm feeling betrayed. I never knew this was a problem. They deliberately kept this a secret from me for AT LEAST 15 weeks. And they're both well aware that I'm autistic and can't actually check my own behavior. If I don't know there's a problem, I don't know what to look for or even that there's something to look for to begin with.

Pretty much the only constant is how alone I feel since a little over a week ago they were the circle of friends that I felt like I could trust. The only others I have left are someone who lives about two hours North of me, and someone who lives on the other side of the country.
How long ago was the falling out?

I am sorry you are feeling so anxious--there are many people in this world who are uncomfortable with confrontations (and because of this, delay telling a friend how they feel), though it would have been better for your friend to be up front with you, I hope you both can forgive each other.

Have you told your friend this (apologized to her)? If someone I cared about was transitioning to another sex, I would also feel this way >>("I wanted to be more supportive of her transition. I was just so scared for her") and might make some unhelpful statements (and I am not autistic.) I do hope you can get over your feelings of betrayal. Talking to your friend about it could help (if she is willing). I hope you and your friends work this all out. Hugs.
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Old 09-08-2018, 02:38 AM   #6
CasuallyAwkward
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Default Re: Don't Know How To Feel

This all happened about a week ago. The problem is that Connie wasn't just a friend. We had been in a serious relationship for the past eight years. But now she and Amber have labelled me an emotional abuser when I had no idea I was doing it and without giving me a chance to correct it now that it's been pointed out. I'm not allowed to contact her and any attempt to apologize on the night it happened was just shut down as being insincere.

A big part of autism(at least for me) is being unable to navigate social situations. I have a difficult time checking my own behavior and gauging how it affects people. This is something that all three of them knew about me.
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Old 10-27-2018, 09:14 PM   #7
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i'm not sure why, but your story is intriguing to me. I read all I could up until the part where you start blaming yourself. I am sorry that the only feedback I have for you is this: leave your partner, she doesn't care about your feelings, and leave your roommate (it is ok to want to live near people who think it is appropriate to wear shoes-i don't leave my house without them). I'm not saying your partner is a bad person, or your roommate is a bad friend, but from what you've portrayed in your story, they are not good for you. well, you're different and should know better for yourself. weigh the pros and cons of leaving, consider where else you could be and make a decision to better your life.
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Old 10-29-2018, 05:37 AM   #8
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I'm sorry you're struggling so badly
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