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Old 05-04-2018, 10:24 PM   #1
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Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: Arizona
Posts: 11
My Mood: Help..

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Here I am again.. It's crazy how i wasn't expecting this, I wasn't expecting to feel like I had no one to turn to but a computer screen. It's insane how this was my escape so long before and how I had myself convinced that writing was helping.. I thought I was healing and i was better. Healed… Jeez I believed it too, I seriously thought somehow that expression fixed me, like i was magically okay once I began to spill my inner thoughts. It's been a while since I last wrote though so… Here I am again. I've opened this page so many times since then.. But when I opened it I found i had nothing to say. I couldn't put into words how I felt so I stared blankly until I gave up. Yet, here I am now with so many bottled up unleashed emotions… I haven't been coping with my issues lately and I feel like I’ve been living everyday day by day with no true motivation. Time has become my answer to everything, so when things have gone wrong i've simply shrugged it off telling myself time will fix it. Well.. it hasn't because i mean.. Here I am. Writing. Again. I feel stupid and confused I wanna escape from anything I feel like I belong nowhere. I feel like nothing. I can't describe how I feel it's just pent up anger, confusion and sadness. I've been trying to make my problems make sense and I've tried blaming myself feeling like if I had a reason to why things were so bad I’d have some sort of closure.. It hasn't worked my mind has been working overtime trying to just answer the simple question..


Why do I feel this way and truthfully I don't know. I was struggling I felt an episode beginning but I felt at this point in my life I was beyond it.. You know I could reach out, I told myself I wouldn't hide things away this time.. You know when things got bad I’d say something, I’d admit I needed help this time. Then, I felt everyone around me change.. In an instant a couple words in a disagreement left me alone. Holding a relationship is hard for me. I push the people I care about away I know I do and I don't know why I do but, I do.. I pushed my boyfriend away I've spent years with him and he understood my mental state and he knew the roller coaster that came with it.. I always felt like a burden and I never could understand how we lasted so long. This time I convinced myself I was done with him, this was routine and something I did quite often but I always found him waiting for me once I came to my senses. He was like my guardian angel I love him… I mean I think I do, the way I feel now makes me realize that. While we were together I found that I was infatuated with everything he did I loved everything about him to me he was perfect and I was undeserving. I was jealous a lot and overprotective but at the same time I tore him down.. When I saw him talking to his friends or standing in a group with another girl I felt betrayed and I'm looking at it now like it's the smallest thing but while we were together it set me off. That was my trigger. Jealousy. When we would argue all those feelings of love disappeared I HATED him. I swore I never wanted to see him again and he meant nothing to me and I meant it I could go from in love to something dark in a matter of seconds then feel as if the other never existed. This time he had enough… After our argument he never came back. He didn't wait and i went back to being completely and utterly in love with him.. BUT, he had moved on.. It's about a month later and I’ve pushed everyone else away and my episode got worse. I see him now and I still have feelings of love and hate.. I feel like I’m never in between it just switches one second I want him back in my arms and the next I wish that he would just fall of the face of the planet. I love him… I saw him today and I started to think of everything we were… I'm in love right now… I want it to change I do I want to hate him so much.. But right now I can't I feel like m world is separated into angels and devils. Somehow he is different.. He changes. I need this to stop I wanna stop thinking but I can't. I can't breathe. I get so much anxiety without him. He helped me and I never let him know I was always afraid if I let him know I loved him he would leave and now I think me not telling him caused him to. I don't know what I need anymore.......
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