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Old 12-29-2017, 04:04 AM   #1
InMyEyes
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Default Attachment or? and what to do?

This is regarding my now 17 yr old daughter's relationship with her mother and myself. The first false allegation was made at age 4 and didnt work, there was plenty of observed distaste for me, im sure, that our daughter observed over the years. It was around age 12 that she agreed with mom that i was "emotionally abusive." I had to go to counseling which was a joke because not only was it projected onto me, its as though i was supposed to "realize" it was true. The counselor was somewhat irritated. Like my ex, he had a bad relationship with his father come to find out so i was a marked man just being there.

Our daughter has sought mom's approval in other ways too at my expense making my life hell the past 5 years. To "make mom happy" or to get validation that's how it goes and I'm beyond fed up. Our daughter protects this dysfunctional "attachment(?)" With her mother no matter what. So its always my word against theirs or my word against nothing.

This "attachment," as i call it, relationship with her Mom has never gotten our daughter the desired outcome for very long. Its momentary entertainment for her mother. Feeling unloved and guilty, our daughter has self harmed and been in and out of behavioral hospitals. She has done to me what most people would consider unforgiveable. I forgive her as I know she was victimized. Now that her mom is seemingly "done" with her (she"'ll be 18 in 7 months and mom losing interest). Because I of my experience, I don't think I can ever trust her. Recent counseling has proven that too. BUT, I am the one involved and the therapist posed to me today the question "so she will be living with you after discharge?" I answered "wherever is appropriate" because I just can't do it but I don't know what to do with her either. Mom is unavailable and not a good choice anyway for obvious reasons and more too.

It's heartbreaking that the girl that used to love me soo much and looked at me with adoration is now so hollow and damaged. She looks at me and feels nothing. Shes definitely a danger to herself and to me. Having faked a desire to having a relationship with me before (and recently too) only to be discovered that she was doing it for reasons to cause me adversity, she is too just too risky for me to have last mynhome but needs constant supervision in my opinion. Where though? Is it even correct for me to be labeling this as some type of "attachment" disorder?

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Ty for reading.and any input you may have.
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Old 12-29-2017, 04:07 AM   #2
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Default Re: Attachment or? and what to do?

I have no clue what an "attachment" disorder is, but this place is full of people who can help you.
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Old 01-07-2018, 07:51 PM   #3
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Default Re: Attachment or? and what to do?

I am sorry you have such a rocky relationship with your daughter. And I would in no way want to try to diagnose what is going on, but I can tell you about how I understand attachment disorder.

Basically a child may develop an attachment disorder if they cannot form a secure attachment to their caregiver as an infant. A baby needs to experience that when it is hungry, wet, cold, etc that there will be a consistent response from the parent that is trying to help. If this doesn't happen (whether due to a baby/parent being ill, mental health issues of parents, absence of parent or any other reason) the child and eventually adult can have issues with feeling secure, loved and have issues with being loving themselves.

So a person with an attachment disorder might be manipulative to try to get their needs met, they might want closeness and then push people away, they might need repeated reassurances or be super jealous. It can show in various ways.

It sounds like maybe you need to have a serious conversation with the therapist about where your daughter can safely go.
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Old 01-07-2018, 08:03 PM   #4
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Default Re: Attachment or? and what to do?

What about a group home for her?
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:41 AM   #5
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Default Re: Attachment or? and what to do?

One of her therapists is encouraging me to go along with what my daughter wants. In getting to that...Since she was "found out" about her plan to move in with me only to cause trouble, she now says she wants to live with her grandma on her moms side. The therapists reason to go along was because "she will be 18 yrs old in 7 months" which is besides the point. The point is that what her mom and grandma did to her was abuse. I like the idea of her possibly getting away from what has ruined our relationship, for perhaps some clarity. I was a bit shocked that the therapist was recommending that. I have 3 wks to figure out what is best for her. Since i have physical custody (paper meant nothing over the years) its on me to decide. Mom will not put forth the effort to halt anything i do at this point.
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