Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > Mental Health Support > Attachment Disorders



advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 04-06-2017, 08:52 AM   #11
Member
 
magicalprince's Avatar
magicalprince has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 386
My Mood:

2 yr Member
74 hugs
given
Default Re: Mom deprived

Quote:
Originally Posted by gothope View Post
If you don't mind me asking what ways are you exploring on filling this kind of gap. Because I am tired of looking up to someone that can fill that kind of gap in my life and then finally gathering up the courage to tell them about it. And then eventually they play that role for few days, maybe couple of weeks and than somehow and in someways they leave me hanging and I am more hurt than before.
Well, you know...

Obviously as an adult, we can't go back in time, be a kid again and be vulnerable with a mother who will love us and take care of us unconditionally.

At the same time, as an adult, being used to being an adult, even if we went back to that place, part of us would feel trapped, part of us would always want to change something about the circumstances anyway.

So it's complicated. You have many lingering feelings and needs of a child and also the mind of an adult. As a child we are vulnerable and have no control, as an adult we still need to be vulnerable, while paradoxically also wanting control.

Those needs and feelings are something that doesn't go away. For anyone. Everybody needs, or wants, care, warmth, understanding, safety, affection, and nurturing their whole lives. Just as much as children want it.

It's just where those needs get met that changes from the time we're children to adulthood.

As adults, the fact is, everybody has some motivation for why they would act a certain way. Adult to adult, nobody can continue to give, entirely one-sidedly and unselfishly, on an ongoing basis. That's a fact we have to live with.

In fact, even the best mothers, they don't continue to give one-sidedly and unselfishly to their own children. They take care of and nurture their children, as children, because that is a crucial and limited time when children are completely dependent on the mother. But once those children have become adults, there starts to be more of a give and take, even between child and parent.

Again, all adults have these needs... all adults ideally have to find a way to get them met consistently.

It's not that adults all meet their own needs for nurturing and warmth or security either, we all definitely need other people in our lives to give some of those things to us. We need to feel connected.

And you know, it's pretty natural for human beings to want to care for, help, and support each other. Everyone does it in their own way, but the point is, nearly everyone does it.

You kind of have to translate your adult reality to connect with your childlike feelings. When you focus on other people's actions and the meaning of those, you can start to see the places where they are really trying to show you caring and warmth, and giving something to you unselfishly. You can see the places where people are comfortable with your vulnerability and want to help you feel safe and protected.

You get a little of each of those things from all the different people in your life.

Of course it's still hard. The child inside says, "but I need more than that. I need what I didn't get in the past. I need someone who is an exception, someone I can totally depend on."

So when people use the term "grieving," they're referring to the notion of, over time, adjusting to the limitations that you have to live with as an adult.

It takes time to adjust your expectations and to feel more like all those needs are getting met. But the thing is, as an adult, fundamentally you have so many more options and opportunities. A child is just stuck with whatever parent they get. An adult has so much freedom to reach out to lots of people, try lots of different things, experiment and explore. In that way, an adult really has more access to emotional support and belonging than a lot of children have. It's just a double edged sword, because you have to develop the ability to locate and reach out for that support.


So, you meet your own needs by communicating what you need with other people and understanding the limitations of any one person's ability to give that to you. The more you focus on the positives, and the good things, however small or big, that people add to your life, then you start to feel more like you have your needs met and also, you are in control.

For me personally, it's been an ongoing process of reaching out, trying to open up and be vulnerable with people, seeing how it goes, trying to understand why it went that way, trying to understand the other person's perspective and then repeating the process again. A lot of times it's hard and a lot of times it hurts, but over time it gets easier.

You can start from exactly what it feels like right now, maybe right now you just can't shake the feeling that you really want someone to be basically a replacement mom. You can keep trying to find that. And then it's just that, if it doesn't work out, you have to get through the frustration and also take the time to look back in hindsight and figure out what did and didn't work and why.

Hope that helps!
magicalprince is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Unread 04-10-2017, 07:09 PM   #12
Junior Member
gothope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 23
My Mood:

Default Re: Mom deprived

I don't know if you have read any of my other post but this is something I just want to share because it's playing such an important role in my life right now.

Please excuse me that this is excessively long but I tried to take out all the unimportant things as much as I could.

Last year I took up a new job opportunity. Met some new and super awesome people, one of which was my boss. Initially the thought was I can learn a lot from her professionally. As the months went on and I started to get to know her more, I started to look upto her. With her being remote I only got to see her 1 or 2 weeks out of the month. But nevertheless she became someone I started looking upto greatly, but never told her because I didn't want to be the "boss's favorite" kinda person.

Eventually after about 7-8 months I broke some news to my "boss" , I was going to be quitting in about a monthish because I had to go overseas for few months to take care of some family matters. She was little taken back but she was like I am going to work with my(hers) leadership and figure something out so once you do come back you can work here again. I never took her seriously when it came to this because it was never on paper so I didn't wanna get my hope up high

Then one day she came and was talking about something and mentioned about how she is getting a divorce and I could see and sense the pain in her, the heartbreak, the loss. So my heart went out to her but again I didn't say much. Then the next visit she came back to the office I noticed how sad she seemed, even though she continued to smile. So I texted her and told her that as an employee she is always my boss but if she needs someone to talk to I will always be there for her. And I don't know what it was about me but she started opening up to me about the whole ordeal and as if I had already not felt close to her after this I felt like something connected us even more now. Because I was going through my own heartbreak that no one knew about. So I opened up to her a bit about it too. At this point we talked practically everyday via text even if it was for few mins.


In the midst of all this I went through an unfortunate "accident" if I may say so. And despite of being far away in distance she stood by me via phone, video calls, etc. And I had no words to thank her. But I did to the best of my ability. Then few days later something in me told me to tell her something I had been wanting to say for couple of weeks now.

I told her "you have no idea how many times I have wanted to call you "mom" in the recent days. Because she had been there for me like a mom. And her reaction was "you know you can, you could've have been mine and I am old enough to be your biological mom". She said " its funny how fate got us together when we needed each other the most.... no one understands the way you do.... because even though we met at work and I am old enough to be your biological mom...we share a separate experience that is so similar that most will never understand....I have always wanted a daughter...and I don't think I could find anyone more like me! We have the same thoughts and feelings and views...." Hearing this melted my heart and I told her "I love you mom" (first time I said that in my life). She said "I love you too baby girl!" And ever since that day I was her baby girl and she was my mom. At work it's like this conversation never happened. And outside of work we don't talk about other people that work under her (my coworkers) or anything work related. At work I still got yelled at by her when I screwed up just like I used to. While this was all happening I knew the following week was her birthday so I started planning some surprises for her. Even though she wasn't going to get them a week after her birthday.

And then came the day when she finally was suppose to come to the office, I remember telling her before hand that when she pulls into the parking lot I would love it if she would text me and I would go out and see my mom before "my boss" came. And she did and that was the very first day I hugged my "mom". Probably the most beautiful and securing feeling in the world.

So first couple of days were okay. Then one evening after work we decided to go to the zoo. On our way to the zoo I told her I wanted her to see the presents I got her for her birthday and she was super excited. So below is a list of things I got her with a personalized note attached to it.

Item- Message:
Coffee Mug- hope your morning coffee is always as strong as you are.
Pocket Mirror - I hope when you open this you smile and I promise it will smile back
A fondue set- I hope when you want to have a party and no one can join you, you have one that's perfect for you.
Zodiac magnet (Both of us are the same sign) - I hope every time you see this you remember This sign is the best sign.
Small Photo frame (with my baby picture)- I hope when you see this you know, that this lil girl maybe from a different world but thinks the world of you.
Adult candy(Baileys)- I hope that when you enjoy this you remind yourself that sometimes it's okay to let yourself loose.
Mother daughter necklace- I may not like you all the time, but I love you always.
Big stuffed animal- I hope you find comfort in this when you need it the most.

Seeing all this she was like you know you are not suppose to make me cry. But she seemed like she was really touched by it. And then finally a quick video of how I am so thankful to have a "mom" now. And seeing the video she literally wrapped her arm around me as I drove and eventually pulled into a parking lot. She finished watching the video and she is like get out of the car so I can just hug you. And we did and just like before she wrapped her arms around me and kissed me on the head and I felt like someone had just took away all the sadness in my world. Finally we made it to the zoo and she knew I had a phobia of snakes. And luck had it that as we were walking she saw a snake and in middle of the way we were going she is like let's just turn around and I said but why and she is like let's just go. So I went but I turned around and saw that there was a snake. I visibly shook so much and she comforted me and I feel so secured....so cared for. So that was that and we finally ended the night with me dropping her back of at her hotel. That night she is like I don't wanna take all presents with me today but I want to take one thing and that was the photo frame with my picture and I felt so touched that I just ran upto her and hugged her and said "I love you mom" she is like I love you too baby doll. And the next day we went to work and basically put all this behind us. We were supposed to go out for dinner later that week but that never happened. Few days later her text kind of died down, at work she was still the same. So I text her and said I need to talk to you, because she had started ignoring me was I wanted to talk about what happened. And she is like I am really busy I am like okay.

Then she decided the following week she was still in town. So I tried to talk to her then (outside of work) and she kept avoiding it . I finally text her and told her I feel neglected and all. She said she had some personal things going on and didn't mean to upset me on purpose. And we kinda talked about few things and by the end of the conversation it was like okay the texts went back to the way she used to talk to me. But by next week she started avoiding me again and I said look a month ago you said I was your daughter and blah blah and she is like that hasn't changed, but there is something going on. So I told her I said it's not just one way thing where if I have something going on I would go up to her but if she has something going she can't talk to me and she is like she knows that. And she is like "thank you baby girl just put up with me being a train wreck" I am like you are not a train wreck you just have a lot going on. Finally that week some co workers, her and I planned to go out after work so we did and she seemed like she had distanced herself from me. But by the end of the hangout I text her and said can you please take your birthday stuff from my car and she did. And the next day she went back home.

The following week was my birthday, so at 7:30 I got a text saying "Happy Birthday" I said thank you but I asked if we could video call that day because I really wanted to see my mom on my birthday and she never responded.

Then for about two weeks we barely talked. And then the final week when she was going to be here before I quit and left ( also my last week). I text her that some work people from our team were planning like a quick dinner before I left and she is like yeah she wil go. And I said also I want to make sure the two of us get to see each other outside of work before I am gone, she said okay. But she never did see me for that and I told her regardless of if I am here or not she will always be my mom now and I loved her and will miss her. She said she loved me too and she will be okay because she will still get to talk to me, even though I am away (by then I finally added her on facebook). And Finally the last day came when I saw her for the last time and she hugged me and said bye "baby girl", but didn't let me walk out with her to her car because she said she would cry (as I would).

And then that was the last time I had a "mom" I quit the job after that I was going to overseas that following week. I remember from the airport I text her during a 7 hr layover and said if she could call me she is like she is at dinner with someone and never called me. And then I was gone and few days later uploaded a new profile picture and she commented on it saying "That's my girl". Few weeks later I got a call from a coworker about how someone of importance was gone from there. So I called her and checked on this and in the midst of it told her I am calling my old boss not my mom. But eventually when my mom is not so busy I want to talk to her because I miss her and she is like "she misses you more than you think". And then for a month I didn't hear from her, she wouldn't reply to any of my texts/calls so I text her and said are you okay? she is like yeah working and just busy. I am like okay but can I ask why you distanced yourself from me and if I did something or said something. she is like no but sometimes I go through stuff and it takes away all my energy to deal with anything extra. I said you been this way for sometime and while I get it, it still hurts. And she is like "I only have so much of me to give and sometimes I run out of me to share" I said consider that a compliment that people like you and want you in their lives. she is like not so much because people get hurt when I take time for myself. I said I don't want to but I am having to accept that you don't need a daughter. Someday you may hire me again because I am much different of a professional than I am personally. And she said that's why she doesn't let people in because as soon as she does they get all defensive. I said I am pretty similar ( I dont let everyone in either) but I let my people know that I am taking a "me" break. She is like thos that know me don't expect that they just know, so don't know as well as you think. I said I regret letting you in my life, and also asked her if she ever gave me the chance to really get to know her she is like it was the timing. I said I will continue to worry about her and in my heart she will always be my mom but I guess I will never matter to her. And she never replied.

About a month later I text her and said haven't heard from you in a while just saying hi and hope things are well. She said they are and hope all is well with me. And then it was time for me to go back so I called and reached out to see if she had a position open she said she did and she wants me back on her team. I said I know there was bit of a clash personally but I can't wait to go back to work. She is like of course I want you back.

Finally I went back and had to be hired as a new employee so had to go through an interview too. So for the interview she decided she wasn't going to come instead played a lil prank and sent one of the other managers to interview me and then eventually came in half way gave me a side hug and tried to talk to me a bit. But I felt so hurt and heartbroken that I didn't give her much attention. IDK what she thought about it. But few days later I called recruiter about something but he said since I already knew all the management I could just talk straight to them about it. So I text her and asked if she would call me she said she would and never did.

Than couple days later I text her and said "can I ask you for a personal favor" and she never replied. All I wanted was to just have a chat with her and find a closer to everything or basically where we stood when it came to this. But she never replied. And now I am about to start working soon and I know I am going to see her but I am so freaked out about having any kind of ties with her.
gothope is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Unread 04-11-2017, 12:19 AM   #13
Member
 
magicalprince's Avatar
magicalprince has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 386
My Mood:

2 yr Member
74 hugs
given
Default Re: Mom deprived

Ah, that's a really complex and emotional set of experiences you've been through... I won't touch on my own past too much but I just wanted to say I relate in a lot of ways to the probably overwhelming instability/uncertainty I think you're feeling because of all the different ways she's behaved, the lack of some kind of agreement or closure, and then all the anxiety that creates. Not to even mention all the emotions that would go with that.

Practically speaking... it sounds like either way, there's just no real way to know how things will happen in terms of you and your boss. It's probably going to make you pretty anxious until the dust has settled, just realistically. And it's okay to be anxious. You have a lot of strength moving through all these ups and downs. You will make it through this.

I think the best you can do right now is just to focus on the job, focus on the professional side of it. Then deal with the personal only if or when it comes up. While I'm sure it would be hard to avoid... thinking too much about her and what will happen with her, that part will probably only make the anxiety worse right now.

Hang in there
magicalprince is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Unread 04-11-2017, 07:39 PM   #14
Junior Member
gothope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 23
My Mood:

Default Re: Mom deprived

Quote:
Originally Posted by magicalprince View Post
Ah, that's a really complex and emotional set of experiences you've been through... I won't touch on my own past too much but I just wanted to say I relate in a lot of ways to the probably overwhelming instability/uncertainty I think you're feeling because of all the different ways she's behaved, the lack of some kind of agreement or closure, and then all the anxiety that creates. Not to even mention all the emotions that would go with that.

Practically speaking... it sounds like either way, there's just no real way to know how things will happen in terms of you and your boss. It's probably going to make you pretty anxious until the dust has settled, just realistically. And it's okay to be anxious. You have a lot of strength moving through all these ups and downs. You will make it through this.

I think the best you can do right now is just to focus on the job, focus on the professional side of it. Then deal with the personal only if or when it comes up. While I'm sure it would be hard to avoid... thinking too much about her and what will happen with her, that part will probably only make the anxiety worse right now.

Hang in there
First of all thank you for reading that I know it's quite a bit. Second I am so sorry that you must be feeling so hurt about your past that you are having a hard time sharing it. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.

One of the key things I forgot to include was how before I quit and left she invited me to her house for couple of days so she can show me "where my mom comes from".

So once I did start work, every single person that I came across was super happy to see me back but even though she wasn't there physically she didn't even acknowledge the fact I existed, which was very hurtful. Because I thought to myself hell I know I can't look for the mom in you, I haven't talked to you as my mom in well over 2 months but I expected my boss to at least acknowledge me. I remember first time seeing her picture in the chart made me so heart broken and cringed and angry all at the same time. And then the time came where I had to personally message her about a question I had and I felt like my soul crushed. I still haven't seen her yet I am hearing she will be coming in sometimes soon, no idea when but boy I feel like I may just die of a real heart attack that day. Because this was such a sensitive subject to begin with and then all the sudden I wasn't so broken and then boom it all crashed and I was more broken than I started off with.
gothope is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Unread 04-19-2017, 11:12 PM   #15
Wise Elder
Community Liaison
avlady has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2013
Location: angola ny
Posts: 9,033 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

3 yr Member
25.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Mom deprived

i get almost sick when i find a great friend and i don't know why. i'll spend days with them and then need my space, even when i am the one who asks to see them, i think i can't go on if i don't have a variety of friends or i used to be before i got married 20 years ago. sometimes i feel bad if im not so happy for everyone when they want to have a coffee clutch with just me. i used to be a social butterfly when i was younger but outgrew it. im 56 years old now and fear alot of things especially being lonely.
avlady is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Unread 05-14-2017, 07:36 PM   #16
Junior Member
gothope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 23
My Mood:

Default Re: Mom deprived

One more mothers day I wish never happened
gothope is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:49 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp

Helplines and Lifelines