Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > >



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-07-2017, 09:01 PM   #1
PerfectlyBroken86
Junior Member
PerfectlyBroken86 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2017
Location: Rockaway
Posts: 24
My Mood: Attachment issues in romantic relationships - always scared they will leave..

2 yr Member
Confused Attachment issues in romantic relationships - always scared they will leave..

Hello everyone. I was just reaching out to see if any of you have advice or have ever dealt with the following issues..

I grew up with a mother that was emotionally neglectful. She was definitely depressed and pretty much stayed in her bedroom for alot of my childhood. She was also unpredictable, sometimes she would be angry, overally talkative, or completely ignore me (ignoring me was how she was most of the time).

I am 30 years old and to this day still have such a hard time with romantic relationships. I always feel as though my significant other will leave me at any given time. I have felt like this in all.of my relationships. Now that I am older I think it is even worse because I want to find the right person and get married, kids, etc so I put even more worry on them leaving because all I want is something stable. I am also very clingy but always try to hide it from my partners the best I can but it does come out at times. How can I get over my past and just let things be when it comes to relationships. I am so tired of overanalyzing everything and never feeling secure. This even slightly trickles into my friendships. I have had people disapear on me before so that even reinforces my fear. I am also very insecure with myself and I know this adds into how I feel/act. I really appreciate Your feedback as this is a constant struggle in my life and I don't want to self sabotage my current relationship. Thank you so much 💜
PerfectlyBroken86 is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Old 02-10-2017, 07:00 AM   #2
Lila Lockhart
Member
 
Lila Lockhart's Avatar
Lila Lockhart has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 57
My Mood: Attachment issues in romantic relationships - always scared they will leave..

2 yr Member
17 hugs
given
Default Re: Attachment issues in romantic relationships - always scared they will leave..

Unfortunately, I don't have an answer. But you're not alone in this. I can relate to so much of this, and it scares me so much in my current relationship. It's hard.

Good luck. I hope you find some answers here. Keep trying, keep yourself open to new experiences. You will get there.
__________________
“One for the Prophet, the wide open eye…
Two for his brunt and the sign of the fist…
Three for Uyane, the unclad sword…
Four for Mykrm, the hammer of his law…
Five for Oyan of the ash-stained leaf…
Six for Thaliszar and the healing hand…”

(R. Lee Smith, The Last Hour of Gann)
Lila Lockhart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2017, 09:48 PM   #3
shezbut
Legendary
 
shezbut's Avatar
shezbut is questioning her personal worth in life
 
Member Since: Feb 2009
Location: Rochester, MN
Posts: 12,640 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: Attachment issues in romantic relationships - always scared they will leave..

10 yr Member
17.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Attachment issues in romantic relationships - always scared they will leave..

I'm sorry that you've been struggling for so long, I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. As a result, I don't have any answers for you ~ but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone. You are in my thoughts....best wishes sent your way!
__________________
"Only in the darkness can you see the stars."
- Martin Luther King Jr.


"Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace."
- Author Unkown
shezbut is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-13-2017, 04:21 AM   #4
VPCAN
New Member
VPCAN has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 7
2 yr Member
Default Re: Attachment issues in romantic relationships - always scared they will leave..

Hi perfectly broken,
I've been suffering the same thing also. But i just let it be.
Try to just let go. Enjoy the time you spent with them. This will make your partnere stay longer and your relationships longer
Good luck
VPCAN is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2017, 07:22 PM   #5
ScientiaOmnisEst
Poohbah
 
ScientiaOmnisEst's Avatar
ScientiaOmnisEst has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2015
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,130
My Mood: Attachment issues in romantic relationships - always scared they will leave..

3 yr Member
172 hugs
given
Default Re: Attachment issues in romantic relationships - always scared they will leave..

Quote:
Originally Posted by PerfectlyBroken86 View Post

I grew up with a mother that was emotionally neglectful. She was definitely depressed and pretty much stayed in her bedroom for alot of my childhood. She was also unpredictable, sometimes she would be angry, overally talkative, or completely ignore me (ignoring me was how she was most of the time).
I have a lot of doubts about my mental health lately, wondering how much of my feelings are pussified self-victimization or whiny immaturity and how many are valid. I don't know, but I do know I largely threw out the idea that I have attachment issues, figuring stuff from childhood shouldn't matter once you're an adult, plus I was never abused...

Except what you described sounds a lot like my mother. My mom has major depression (misdiagnosed as bipolar), and has gone through periods of being emotionally unpredictable to a point that scared the heck out of me when I was younger. I remember the one time I tried to talk to a counselor about it and referring to it as an emotional rollercoaster; I've learned to be less troubled by it now but it still feels that way. I do remember being 10-12 and fearing I would come home and find her dead because of how casually she'd talk about suicide (and I'd already lost my dad when I was 7). Likewise, I wonder if any early care of me could have been compromised due to my mother's physical and mental health issues - she nearly died on the table giving birth to me, had a heart condition and postpartum PTSD afterwards (it's been 20 years and that heart condition just cleared up).

I was always taken care of physically, but this acute feeling of emotional abandonment crept in when I was about 9 and never left. I don't trust relationships either. I've only really had one that didn't end well - mostly I'm too closed off and don't know how to actually connect with people, or even trust them enough to be open.
ScientiaOmnisEst is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-06-2017, 03:19 PM   #6
IndiansFan5
New Member
IndiansFan5 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2017
Location: ohio
Posts: 5
2 yr Member
Default Re: Attachment issues in romantic relationships - always scared they will leave..

Quote:
Originally Posted by PerfectlyBroken86 View Post
Hello everyone. I was just reaching out to see if any of you have advice or have ever dealt with the following issues..

I grew up with a mother that was emotionally neglectful. She was definitely depressed and pretty much stayed in her bedroom for alot of my childhood. She was also unpredictable, sometimes she would be angry, overally talkative, or completely ignore me (ignoring me was how she was most of the time).

I am 30 years old and to this day still have such a hard time with romantic relationships. I always feel as though my significant other will leave me at any given time. I have felt like this in all.of my relationships. Now that I am older I think it is even worse because I want to find the right person and get married, kids, etc so I put even more worry on them leaving because all I want is something stable. I am also very clingy but always try to hide it from my partners the best I can but it does come out at times. How can I get over my past and just let things be when it comes to relationships. I am so tired of overanalyzing everything and never feeling secure. This even slightly trickles into my friendships. I have had people disapear on me before so that even reinforces my fear. I am also very insecure with myself and I know this adds into how I feel/act. I really appreciate Your feedback as this is a constant struggle in my life and I don't want to self sabotage my current relationship. Thank you so much 💜
Like you and the others who have replied to your thread, I too have experienced these feelings with my significant others in the past. I know the feeling of wanting constant reassurance of their affection and motives while trying not to be clingy about it at the same time. The best advice I can give you is the advice I gave myself. We can not dwell on the possibility of a negative outcome. That only drives the ones close to us away and at least for me, I drove myself crazy because I was always putting unnecessary negative thoughts in my head. You more or less have to go with the flow and try your best to let your guard down. The best way I found to tackle this issue is being open and having the best communication possible with someone I'm dating. Love yourself first so that when someone does walk out on you, it's their loss, not yours. Not everything is meant to be a forever thing, so use those as learning experiences for what you can do differently next time. I hope this helps.
IndiansFan5 is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 05-02-2017, 04:05 AM   #7
Sarahas
Junior Member
Sarahas has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 21
Default Re: Attachment issues in romantic relationships - always scared they will leave..

I just came across this post and i do the exact same thing, It has gotten to the point where i dont like having feelings for people. I find that i am ok as friends but as soon as they express feelings and i feel them back i get very worked up. I make up negative scenarios in my head as to why they no longer like me, if i dont get a text from them in a few days i will think they worse,then when they tell me the reason i think well then they could have contacted me but chose not too..it is a constant battle in my head of negative self talk,self doubt and reasons why people i like dont like me back.

I seem to meet men who aren't looking for relationships, instead of walking away i stick around and get hurt. I take it personally..i take a lot of things personally.

I go through the exact same things you guys do.
Sarahas is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 05-02-2017, 08:44 PM   #8
PerfectlyBroken86
Junior Member
PerfectlyBroken86 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2017
Location: Rockaway
Posts: 24
My Mood: Attachment issues in romantic relationships - always scared they will leave..

2 yr Member
Default Re: Attachment issues in romantic relationships - always scared they will leave..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarahas View Post
I just came across this post and i do the exact same thing, It has gotten to the point where i dont like having feelings for people. I find that i am ok as friends but as soon as they express feelings and i feel them back i get very worked up. I make up negative scenarios in my head as to why they no longer like me, if i dont get a text from them in a few days i will think they worse,then when they tell me the reason i think well then they could have contacted me but chose not too..it is a constant battle in my head of negative self talk,self doubt and reasons why people i like dont like me back.

I seem to meet men who aren't looking for relationships, instead of walking away i stick around and get hurt. I take it personally..i take a lot of things personally.

I go through the exact same things you guys do.
------
I feel the same way as you do and time and time again I keep meeting men that aren't looking for relationships. If I have feelings for them I also stick around. I am in a situation right now where I have strong feelings towards a guy that I have been "friends" with for over a year. We go on dates, hold hands, kiss, and do other things that couples do but I act like I am just having fun because I am too scares to tell him how I really feel. I guess me and you are not alone in this situation.. FYI the person I wrote this original post about became so distant that I had to end things with him if I didn't I'm sure he would have ended them with me. Just my luck.
PerfectlyBroken86 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-02-2017, 09:05 PM   #9
PerfectlyBroken86
Junior Member
PerfectlyBroken86 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2017
Location: Rockaway
Posts: 24
My Mood: Attachment issues in romantic relationships - always scared they will leave..

2 yr Member
Default Re: Attachment issues in romantic relationships - always scared they will leave..

Quote:
Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst View Post
I have a lot of doubts about my mental health lately, wondering how much of my feelings are pussified self-victimization or whiny immaturity and how many are valid. I don't know, but I do know I largely threw out the idea that I have attachment issues, figuring stuff from childhood shouldn't matter once you're an adult, plus I was never abused...

Except what you described sounds a lot like my mother. My mom has major depression (misdiagnosed as bipolar), and has gone through periods of being emotionally unpredictable to a point that scared the heck out of me when I was younger. I remember the one time I tried to talk to a counselor about it and referring to it as an emotional rollercoaster; I've learned to be less troubled by it now but it still feels that way. I do remember being 10-12 and fearing I would come home and find her dead because of how casually she'd talk about suicide (and I'd already lost my dad when I was 7). Likewise, I wonder if any early care of me could have been compromised due to my mother's physical and mental health issues - she nearly died on the table giving birth to me, had a heart condition and postpartum PTSD afterwards (it's been 20 years and that heart condition just cleared up).

I was always taken care of physically, but this acute feeling of emotional abandonment crept in when I was about 9 and never left. I don't trust relationships either. I've only really had one that didn't end well - mostly I'm too closed off and don't know how to actually connect with people, or even trust them enough to be open.
-----
That does sound very similar to how I feel. I am sorry that you have to deal with that as I know it's not easy. Also, unfortunately our past and the way we were brought up has a big impact on our adult lives. I hope things get better for you with relationships. At least we know we are not alone!
PerfectlyBroken86 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-03-2017, 12:45 AM   #10
Sarahas
Junior Member
Sarahas has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 21
Default Re: Attachment issues in romantic relationships - always scared they will leave..

Quote:
Originally Posted by PerfectlyBroken86 View Post
------
I feel the same way as you do and time and time again I keep meeting men that aren't looking for relationships. If I have feelings for them I also stick around. I am in a situation right now where I have strong feelings towards a guy that I have been "friends" with for over a year. We go on dates, hold hands, kiss, and do other things that couples do but I act like I am just having fun because I am too scares to tell him how I really feel. I guess me and you are not alone in this situation.. FYI the person I wrote this original post about became so distant that I had to end things with him if I didn't I'm sure he would have ended them with me. Just my luck.
I've recently been reading up on codependency and I believe i have the traits. I'm going to see a therapist about it. You should read up on it, it kinda scared me how I showed the signs.
Sarahas is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:52 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp


 
Helplines and Lifelines