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Unread 01-19-2017, 06:00 PM   #1
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Default I'm new; never been in love

Hi all,
I'm an older woman, 65, and it only hit me about 10 years ago that I have never been in love. I had always gotten a great deal of satisfaction and enjoyment from my career, which is in the entertainment industry. But now that I'm heading into retirement it struck me that, hey, I've never fallen in love.

I always knew even as a child that I never wanted to marry or have children, and as a teen and young adult I occasionally dated but I never felt love or much of anything but mild friendship for the guys I dated. I only had sex a few times with one guy, when I was 29, but it was only because I did not want to turn 30 as a virgin. The sex was OK but it didn't set my world on fire. I could/can do better, frankly, on my own.

I don't tend to nourish friendships either. If someone wants to hang out, that's cool, but I have never called anyone and asked them to go shopping with me or out to dinner or anything. I never initiate contact; I just don't care if I see or hear from people, or not.

I think this is because I was raised by a mother who didn't want me and actually resented me. She told me that she felt that I had trapped her in a marriage she felt ambivalent about, and that as a newborn I rejected her as a mother, and was cold and critical of her. (Note: my mother had at the time undiagnosed and untreated borderline pd, and I believe she also had narcissistic PD and a case of post-parting psychosis.)

My younger sister and I speculate that mother might have had mild schizophrenia instead of or in addition to borderline pd because she had chronic paranoid delusional beliefs and brief psychotic episodes. The only thing mother was fairly consistent about was her dislike of being a mother. She was miserable and angry most of the time and blamed us kids and dad for it. I was too afraid of my mother to attach to her; she would often trigger into screaming rage tantrums and screech abuse at us while beating the crap out of us with her hands or with the belt. Oh, and she nearly killed me, twice. I had to have emergency surgery. Yet we kids were never removed from her "care." Go figure.

Sometimes I wish I wanted to have more people in my life, but it just seems like too much effort and too much stress. I am used to being totally alone; my life is very serene. I guess I experienced enough Chaos, drama, terror, pain and heartbreak in the first 20 years of my life to last me a lifetime.

Can anyone relate?
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Unread 01-20-2017, 03:39 PM   #2
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Smile Re: I'm new; never been in love

Hello Lobelia888: Well... I am married (38 years now.) But otherwise I lead a pretty-much solitary lifestyle. I have no other family & no friends or even acquaintances really, by choice. So, yes, I think I can relate somewhat at least.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.
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Unread 01-22-2017, 12:34 AM   #3
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Default Re: I'm new; never been in love

How do you feel about it?
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Unread 01-22-2017, 09:05 AM   #4
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I just turned 70 and feel 20. I realized I could do nothing about my past of abuse and abandonment as a child (abusive mother, molested, poverty, never knew my father) and a 31 year abusive marriage, so I determined totake the "ashes" and do somethingwith them. I started school at 60 and it took me 10 years to go f rom Freshman to Sophomore. I have written 2 books, etc....I will never stop taking the joy from life that I can. That is all we can do. The question is......is there anything you want? If so, what prevents you from having/getting that. When I joined the army the recruiter said (it)or life....is what you make it. So true. Been alone for 15 years and I hate it, but I do everything I can to get out there and do things.I hope you will choose to LIVE and enjoy life. xo
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Unread 02-01-2017, 06:43 PM   #5
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Default Re: I'm new; never been in love

I'm so sorry for you, I can understand every single word written in your post and I can feel you somehow cause I'm facing the same issue, in fact being alone is depressing me now and I don't know if I'm going to get used to it or this is gonna change someday, I sent you a virtual hug to let you know you're not alone here
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Unread 02-06-2017, 06:09 PM   #6
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Default Re: I'm new; never been in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lobelia888 View Post
Hi all,
I'm an older woman, 65, and it only hit me about 10 years ago that I have never been in love. I had always gotten a great deal of satisfaction and enjoyment from my career, which is in the entertainment industry. But now that I'm heading into retirement it struck me that, hey, I've never fallen in love.

I always knew even as a child that I never wanted to marry or have children, and as a teen and young adult I occasionally dated but I never felt love or much of anything but mild friendship for the guys I dated. I only had sex a few times with one guy, when I was 29, but it was only because I did not want to turn 30 as a virgin. The sex was OK but it didn't set my world on fire. I could/can do better, frankly, on my own.

I don't tend to nourish friendships either. If someone wants to hang out, that's cool, but I have never called anyone and asked them to go shopping with me or out to dinner or anything. I never initiate contact; I just don't care if I see or hear from people, or not.

I think this is because I was raised by a mother who didn't want me and actually resented me. She told me that she felt that I had trapped her in a marriage she felt ambivalent about, and that as a newborn I rejected her as a mother, and was cold and critical of her. (Note: my mother had at the time undiagnosed and untreated borderline pd, and I believe she also had narcissistic PD and a case of post-parting psychosis.)

My younger sister and I speculate that mother might have had mild schizophrenia instead of or in addition to borderline pd because she had chronic paranoid delusional beliefs and brief psychotic episodes. The only thing mother was fairly consistent about was her dislike of being a mother. She was miserable and angry most of the time and blamed us kids and dad for it. I was too afraid of my mother to attach to her; she would often trigger into screaming rage tantrums and screech abuse at us while beating the crap out of us with her hands or with the belt. Oh, and she nearly killed me, twice. I had to have emergency surgery. Yet we kids were never removed from her "care." Go figure.

Sometimes I wish I wanted to have more people in my life, but it just seems like too much effort and too much stress. I am used to being totally alone; my life is very serene. I guess I experienced enough Chaos, drama, terror, pain and heartbreak in the first 20 years of my life to last me a lifetime.

Can anyone relate?
I can relate a great deal. I differ only in that I have been married twice and have 5 children. But I have never felt in love and I think I did it only because they wanted to and I felt I had to. The first time I was in a legalistic cult like Pentecostal church and it was kind of expected. The second time because my daughters came to live with me and the woman who would become my second wife and again felt I should, and she badgered my to be married. I have never heard anyone say the words you have about never initiating contact. I have never. Only married because they pushed the issue. Only had a few long term friends because they pushed it. Two marriage failures and a few friend failures. Now I am recently retired after working my whole life and I am alone and feeling there is no where to go. Work filled the void. Gave me a sense of purpose and a sense of being real. I understand it is called a sense of self agency. I am also an Aspie and that is an autistic characteristic, but they do not have the deep attachment disorder that I have. I really have no idea where to go with this. I'm 30 years sober in AA yesterday and I have those tools along with 15 years of therapy. I know to have an attitude of gratitude and to take it one day at a time. But I was thinking last night that this has all been a waste of time. I took the depression test and I show as being in major depression, but I have no desire to talk to a therapist or program people or religious people. I have done that endlessly in the past and I have never found anyone who got me, until I read your words. So thanks. This makes me hopeful.
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Unread 02-13-2017, 07:58 PM   #7
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Default Re: I'm new; never been in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lobelia888 View Post
Sometimes I wish I wanted to have more people in my life, but it just seems like too much effort and too much stress. I am used to being totally alone; my life is very serene. I guess I experienced enough Chaos, drama, terror, pain and heartbreak in the first 20 years of my life to last me a lifetime.
Can anyone relate?
I don't know. I had a loving and wonderful mom and dad and I caught your post because I feel largely the same way. I am 46. I don't know if I have been in love but at one point I thought I was. But that, and just about everything to do with other people lately feels like pointless drama / stress that does not enhance my life. Only harms it.

I have come to conclude that maybe being alone is just not that bad. Perhaps in the 1780s or so you would run into people so infrequently for the most part all literature and stuff had people yearning for people and now that we have people a plenty we still feel we should seek them out but, we shouldn't. Perhaps a lot of the maladaptive behavior we see today is from having too many people and we come up with these behaviors to cope (being selfish).

We have come to think that we should all have these things (like love) but the reality is that these things are horribly rare and a lot of people lie, even to themselves, about having it. Or good sex.
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Unread 06-11-2017, 05:43 PM   #8
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Default Re: I'm new; never been in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lobelia888 View Post
Hi all,
I'm an older woman, 65, and it only hit me about 10 years ago that I have never been in love. I had always gotten a great deal of satisfaction and enjoyment from my career, which is in the entertainment industry. But now that I'm heading into retirement it struck me that, hey, I've never fallen in love.

I always knew even as a child that I never wanted to marry or have children, and as a teen and young adult I occasionally dated but I never felt love or much of anything but mild friendship for the guys I dated. I only had sex a few times with one guy, when I was 29, but it was only because I did not want to turn 30 as a virgin. The sex was OK but it didn't set my world on fire. I could/can do better, frankly, on my own.

I don't tend to nourish friendships either. If someone wants to hang out, that's cool, but I have never called anyone and asked them to go shopping with me or out to dinner or anything. I never initiate contact; I just don't care if I see or hear from people, or not.

I think this is because I was raised by a mother who didn't want me and actually resented me. She told me that she felt that I had trapped her in a marriage she felt ambivalent about, and that as a newborn I rejected her as a mother, and was cold and critical of her. (Note: my mother had at the time undiagnosed and untreated borderline pd, and I believe she also had narcissistic PD and a case of post-parting psychosis.)

My younger sister and I speculate that mother might have had mild schizophrenia instead of or in addition to borderline pd because she had chronic paranoid delusional beliefs and brief psychotic episodes. The only thing mother was fairly consistent about was her dislike of being a mother. She was miserable and angry most of the time and blamed us kids and dad for it. I was too afraid of my mother to attach to her; she would often trigger into screaming rage tantrums and screech abuse at us while beating the crap out of us with her hands or with the belt. Oh, and she nearly killed me, twice. I had to have emergency surgery. Yet we kids were never removed from her "care." Go figure.

Sometimes I wish I wanted to have more people in my life, but it just seems like too much effort and too much stress. I am used to being totally alone; my life is very serene. I guess I experienced enough Chaos, drama, terror, pain and heartbreak in the first 20 years of my life to last me a lifetime.

Can anyone relate?
Hey I sure can!
I grew up in somewhat similar situation but with divorced parent who had different spouses the stepmom who of course hated me. I believe that our family life INFLUENCES how it will be like when we're adults.
Plain & simple you've never been shown any love.
I'm going to go out on a limb to ask if your seeing a therapist? It may be a good idea from what I've read on your post here.
And let me say I'm really sorry that you had to even go through that!
Unfortunately, back in the day Child Protective was pretty non existent UNLESS you had courage to run away & tell someone but then that wasn't always a guarantee. I'm a 70's child so I ran as far as I could to a nearby Police station, then 2 Policemen of color who had kids my age really cared about me. It got me reunited with my Mother later that same night!
Don't be hard on yourself though. When you've never been shown love you sure as hell won't know anything about intimacy! Our screwed up parents saw to that.
I suggest try getting out somewhere. Volunteering, taking a class. Something positive. Heck go to school. If your already have a bachelors? Then go for that masters. Or hey Ph.D You can get financial help or reduced tuition (advantages of being over 50)
A pet might help too. Don't know if your a dog or cat lover. I'm saving for a dog. Take good care, and get busy giving yourself that care you never got. It won't be easy but your certainly way overdue.
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Unread 06-11-2017, 06:48 PM   #9
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Default Re: I'm new; never been in love

It is my humble opinion...

(okay, just to be clear because we are on the internet and facial expression, tone of voice and the such can't easily be read - I do mean 'humble')

...that very few people have ever been in love. They become infatuated, needy, lonely, etc., etc., but love? No. I think more people than you think can relate, though they may not be aware of it themselves.
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Unread 06-12-2017, 04:58 AM   #10
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Default Re: I'm new; never been in love

Quote:
Originally Posted by yagr View Post
...that very few people have ever been in love. They become infatuated, needy, lonely, etc., etc., but love? No. I think more people than you think can relate, though they may not be aware of it themselves.
Agreed but I would go further and question seriously if love is actually a thing. Or is it just a long term infatuation?
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