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Old 03-10-2019, 03:43 PM #1
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Default To be born in a non-appropriate ecosystem

Hi everyone!

My psychotherapist told me that I was born in a non-suitable ecosystem. My mother was very stressed up during her pregnancy, she had problems with my father especially financially. Although I have no doubt she loved me very much, she didn't have much time to look after me because she had to work to make ends meet, my grandmother looked after me much to her dislike, because she didn't have the patience to deal with me, plus I was a bit naughty I must admit, I used to hide her sewing box all the time My sisters weren't interested in me, the age gap is five and eight years of difference so at times I felt like a burden. I went out to the streets to look for friends, I enjoy my time more out than at home, because I got more attention. So my therapist thinks that that's enough reason to explain why I have since a young age suffered from anxiety. If I would have been born to a more secured, relaxed, welcoming ecosystem perhaps I wouldn't have developed anxiety and fears.

Now, I would like to ask you, if any of you can think if their circumstances at home were similar to mine, I am trying to work out if the ecosystem we are conceived and born made us more prone to become anxiety sufferers.

Many thanks.
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Old 03-11-2019, 01:24 AM #2
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Default Re: To be born in a non-appropriate ecosystem

I believe its a genetics thing combined with environment. My dad was what they used to call " manic depressive". He has substance abuse issues. My parents' marriage was full of fights and cheating and I have ptsd from it. The lack of consistency and chaos kept me from feeling safe. So I have a predisposition to mental illness and a bad environment and I have BPII among other things. I do not believe having the predisposition alone would have made me mentally ill and I do not believe environment alone caused it.
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Old 03-11-2019, 01:46 AM #3
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Default Re: To be born in a non-appropriate ecosystem

Hello Star68. Thank you for sharing your truth and raising some really interesting questions. I am sorry that you're struggling with anxiety. That can be so tough! I live with depression and anxiety, sometimes they bother me more than others. Today I am feeling well. I was born into a very dysfunctional family. My parents were honestly quite clueless about raising children. They got the practical basics done but there was no consideration for our emotional needs. My father became more and more abusive over the years. My mother was a highly anxious person and this played out as being extremely controlling and authoritarian toward her children. She also never acknowledged that her children were separate entities from herself....a very, very dangerous path for any parent to head down.

I have seen our "non-suitable ecosystem" affect myself and my siblings in various unhappy ways BUT

here's the point I want to emphasize. Those of us who grew up in less than ideal families are NOT doomed. Far from it. THis is where we need to be really careful with the medical model and psychoanalysis. There are some benefits but the problem is that once you start labeling people with diagnoses and tendencies etc it can do a number on their sense of self and sense of hope. I was told at a very young age that I was born with a "genetic predisposition toward depression" and "needed medication." I tried the various meds they pushed on me though it never helped. All they did was make me sick from side effects. The child psychiatrist agreed that they weren't helping my mood. CBT helped greatly. But even that can only get a person so far. So i relapsed multiple times after that. Tried more meds as an adult. They didn't work. I gave up on meds but I still had this medical model notion in my mind that I was essentially broken since birth. So then I felt stuck and doomed for quite some time. UNTIL, I started teaching myself about mindfulness, meditation, developing happiness skills, acupuncture etc etc. Now I am starting to know my true self. And she's not broken at all! Just human and going in and out of balance and needing to keep working on those happiness skills. I feel better than I did for so many years. Truly!

I did not get the best start in life but I am a successful person. I have done therapy on and off. There were times when it was more helpful than others. The older I get, the more I favor a holistic approach to health: physical, emotional, and spiritual (I'm not using spiritual in a religious sense though that works for some people). Mind, body, and spirit need to be cared for and honored in order to achieve balance. As humans, we go in and out of balance throughout our lives. Anxiety is communication that something needs to be adjusted. Panic is a louder communication of a need for change.
Except for a minority of cases where pathology seems to dominate, we can continue to bring ourselves back to balance regardless of the childhood we had...not everyone in psychoanalysis would agree with that and that's why it can be problematic.

Truth be told, I believe that fear is a part of the human condition. Not everyone will admit to it but it's there to varying degrees at different times for everyone regardless of their upbringing. Death anxiety, for example, runs very deep and is very common. Just one example.

In short, live your life! Sure, learn about your family and how that may have affected you. But at the end of the day, you need strategies to calm body and mind whether your parents triggered your anxiety or not, right? You can't go back in time and choose different parents so at a certain point it can be counterproductive to dwell on our families and their influences. My sister and I like to say: "Sometimes it's just time to get on with the show!"

You certainly don't have to agree with me Star68. Just my thoughts. I'm sharing these because I seriously wish someone with this approach had spoken to me when I was first diagnosed as an adolescent!

I wish you peace, healing, and a bright future

Last edited by SilverTrees; 03-11-2019 at 02:43 AM.
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Old 03-11-2019, 02:02 AM #4
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Default Re: To be born in a non-appropriate ecosystem

Ps. the image of you as a little one hiding your Granny's sewing box was adorable. Made me smile!
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Old 03-11-2019, 11:12 AM #5
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Default Re: To be born in a non-appropriate ecosystem

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, star68 Thank you so much for sharing your story here on PC and for making this thread! I'm sure it will encourage and inspire many other people, especiallu here on PC. Thank you so much. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. Our environment can definitely affect our life, especially the relationship we have with our parents. I also agree that genetics may play a part. However, just remember that no one is doomed to be like this forever. We all have every right to live a good life just like everyone else does. Things won't stay like this forever. They can and will get better. I hope that makes you feel a little bit more hopeful. You're a strong, wonderful person, star68. I hope things will get better soon for you, star68. We're here for you if you need to talk about it. We'll listen to what you have to say. We all care about you here. We all love you here. We won't judge you. I promise you that. We're here to support you. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Please don't give up. I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. You're a strong wonderful person. Stay strong, star68. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, star68
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Old 03-11-2019, 02:48 PM #6
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Default Re: To be born in a non-appropriate ecosystem

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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
Ps. the image of you as a little one hiding your Granny's sewing box was adorable. Made me smile!
Yes, it makes me smile too! I pity my grandmother when I think about it, I was a very mischievous child
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Old 03-11-2019, 03:12 PM #7
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Crazy Re: To be born in a non-appropriate ecosystem

Thank you for your reply, it was very constructive. Digging into the past makes me understand the person whom I am today. I am a very curious person and I always want to find a reason to everything, especially as I am very interested in human behavior An example could be an engine. when it's faulty I don't want a quick fix, I like to disassemble it to find the faulty part and then rebuild it again. I like to discover myself from childhood to adulthood to understand why I became an anxious person and why I fear death almost every day of my life. Understanding it it helps me heal.
The explanation my psychotherapist gave me is that the insecurity and luck of comfort that my parents gave me, no intentionally, they were not aware, they didn't have time to think and analyze their behaviors (their main worry was to be ale to earn money to feed the family and pay the mortgage) as parents they were there in presence but not in person. Not that they were aware, they though they did their best considering the circumstances, and I really appreciate them for how hard the worked to keep us afloat. But I needed an explanation about why am I the one to suffer from anxiety and once I understand why I can start healing. Would it work? Hopefully yes, at least it helps me to know myself a little bit more. I hope I haven't bored you with my speech
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Old 03-11-2019, 04:18 PM #8
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Default Re: To be born in a non-appropriate ecosystem

Quote:
Originally Posted by star68 View Post
Thank you for your reply, it was very constructive. Digging into the past makes me understand the person whom I am today. I am a very curious person and I always want to find a reason to everything, especially as I am very interested in human behavior An example could be an engine. when it's faulty I don't want a quick fix, I like to disassemble it to find the faulty part and then rebuild it again. I like to discover myself from childhood to adulthood to understand why I became an anxious person and why I fear death almost every day of my life. Understanding it it helps me heal.
The explanation my psychotherapist gave me is that the insecurity and luck of comfort that my parents gave me, no intentionally, they were not aware, they didn't have time to think and analyze their behaviors (their main worry was to be ale to earn money to feed the family and pay the mortgage) as parents they were there in presence but not in person. Not that they were aware, they though they did their best considering the circumstances, and I really appreciate them for how hard the worked to keep us afloat. But I needed an explanation about why am I the one to suffer from anxiety and once I understand why I can start healing. Would it work? Hopefully yes, at least it helps me to know myself a little bit more. I hope I haven't bored you with my speech
You are not boring at all Star68! I admire your curious mind! There is research indicating that curious people tend to present with higher levels of happiness because they are less likely to get stuck in ruts etc. So if you are not feeling very happy (due to anxiety) currently it is likely in your future! There's a great documentary called 'Happy' on Netflix if you're interested. It delineates research from all over the world on what makes some people happier than others. There are also practical tips for folks who don't feel very happy. I think your curious mind might enjoy it!

With regard to your fear of death, there is a book which may help you: The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker. Some people found it very helpful with managing their death anxiety. As I said, that's a common fear. You are not alone.

I support your quest for further enlightenment. I hope you find the answers you're seeking. Keep us posted if you feel like it
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Old 03-14-2019, 04:19 AM #9
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Default Re: To be born in a non-appropriate ecosystem

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the age gap is five and eight years of difference .... I went out to the streets to look for friends ... So my therapist thinks that that's enough reason to explain why I have since a young age suffered from anxiety.
Hello Star68,

Though my mother and father especially were very supportive during my childhood, the age gap I have with my brothers was for me as it was for you the main motivator to find friends outside.

Though I did not experience anxiety as a child, young adult, I have developed a health respect for it as a grown up. As one who blindly trusted everybody to treat me as I treated them, I was castaway at a professional and personal level when circumstances led me to take an unambiguous stance to not betray ethics/conscience. Being shunned for not being a person who sways whichever direction people want me to created disparity in trust. After that low-point in my life, I do not wish to revisit the betrayal experienced once before. One may call it anxiety, I call it prudence.

Just as wildlife, I view civil society is made of people with a wide range of intentions and being prudent helps a great deal. Andy Grove of Intel Corporation is a role-model in this aspect, he said "only the paranoid survive", who we take help from and a healthy extrapolation of the consequences has so far kept me on predictable path (steps forwards with no steps back :-).
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