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Old 02-19-2019, 04:38 PM   #1
xmascarol
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Default My friend confuses me

My best friend will come and visit with me twice a week and sometimes only once it depends oh whether she has to do her partners job.This is the problem if you want to call her its a problem .Just because she visits with you she doesnt want me calling her on the phone.She feels is something needs to be said it can be when she is visiting you or me.She told me a couple of times she is here for me.I dont see what difference it makes if someone sits with you and calls you.I dont care if she was here seven days a week it wouldnt bother me if she called me ,wait she will never call me.I just dont get it.She doesnt want me calling so how can you say that you are here for someone yet at the same time you dont want you calling them?I do call her if she is out sick because I really do care about it one time she got mad and told me she has a husband so what I had a husband once and he didnt care if my friends called me.I know she doesnt want me worrying about her because she doesnt want anymore stress put on me ,believe me there have been plenty of times when I needed to talk to someone but I dont call her.I know she loves me and really does care about me,but I never heard of such a thing not wanting someone to call just because they see you once or twice.she is a good person,but this upsets me because sometimes I do need to talk to her .I dont say anything to her because I dont want to ruin our friendship. She says it is ok to call when she is sick but only once.How am I suppose to know if she is really ill I mean like having surgery or something like that.I believe that calling someone when they are not well is a beautiful thing to do ,because she cares,I once told her I love you and that is why I care about you,she told me that love is not the same as caring I know that.Sometimes I wonder if I care to much but that is who I am,I respect her wishes because I dont want to lose her she does this to other people too.For now I just wont call her if that is what she wants I have to respect that,unless she is sick I am sorry but when a friend of mine is sick of course I am going to call them to see if they are okay,I even have lit candles for her on the pc and others too. Sorry so long but I had to get this off my chest.
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Old 02-19-2019, 04:49 PM   #2
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Default Re: My friend confuses me

I have some friends that I haven't spoke on the phone for years. We usually message we each other. I've ask my kid why she never make a phone call. Apparently no one actually talks to people on the phone unless it's non friend related thing. I wouldnt worry about it, this is the era of communicating by typing messages or emails. Times have changed and at this rate people communication skill will go to crap. I dont understand most of the typing lingo.

Also everyone's so much busier these days. Making messening each other a lot easier.
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Old 02-20-2019, 03:46 AM   #3
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I think I am confused. Your friend comes to see you twice a week but wont take your calls? Have you ever told her that it hurts you? I guess it is up to her but I cant wrap my head around someone that cares about you not wanting you to call. Are you in therapy or under a doctors' care? Maybe she wants you not to be dependent on just her?
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Old 02-20-2019, 07:34 AM   #4
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I'm so sorry, xmascarol It must be very hard for you. I'm so sorry. I agree with all what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. It's a strange request. I'd suggest to talk to her about this and see how it goes from there. Maybe that could help. Have you tried to ask her why she doesn't want you to call her? Perhaps she's really busy and doesn't have a lot of time. Or maybe she doesn't like that way of communicating. I agree with FriendlyJoe. Perhaps you could ask her if she prefers you to message her instead of calling. That shouldn't take too much time. I also agree with sarahsweets. Perhaps she doesn't want you to become too dependent on her, but didn't want to hurt you by telling you so. Either way, I think talking to her about this is necessary. I hope you'll be able to clear things up with her. I'm happy that you've been able to find a support system IRL! Be proud of yourself for that. I hope she will be kind and supportive to you. You deserve it just like everyone else. You're a wonderful person. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you and your friend. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
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Old 02-20-2019, 08:31 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I think I am confused. Your friend comes to see you twice a week but wont take your calls? Have you ever told her that it hurts you? I guess it is up to her but I cant wrap my head around someone that cares about you not wanting you to call. Are you in therapy or under a doctors' care? Maybe she wants you not to be dependent on just her?
If I do call which is only when she is out sick because I know she doesnt want me calling her.I did tell her it bothered me once especially when she said she has a husband.She doesnt want me to worry about her.She thinks it will cause me to get anxious and start to worry. I know I just dont get it either she says she loves me and I know she does.Just a few weeks ago a friend called her she said she wasnt on the phone to long because she was going to see her at the end of the week.I guess her way of thinking is if she is going to see you why would you need to call.Matter of fact when I told her I get lonely she told me to come here and talk to people.I informed her that I did.Also told her why it is nice to come here it takes away the loneliness a little but it is also nice to have someone in person,.I dont know maybe that is how she was raised.I never knew anyone who visited with me and didnt want me to call oh she will talk to me when I call for a couple of minutes but other then that no.I dont need a house to fall on top of me.I just dont get how she says she will always be here for me yet I cannot call when I need to hear a friendly voice.
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Old 02-20-2019, 08:38 AM   #6
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I'm so sorry, xmascarol It must be very hard for you. I'm so sorry. I agree with all what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. It's a strange request. I'd suggest to talk to her about this and see how it goes from there. Maybe that could help. Have you tried to ask her why she doesn't want you to call her? Perhaps she's really busy and doesn't have a lot of time. Or maybe she doesn't like that way of communicating. I agree with FriendlyJoe. Perhaps you could ask her if she prefers you to message her instead of calling. That shouldn't take too much time. I also agree with sarahsweets. Perhaps she doesn't want you to become too dependent on her, but didn't want to hurt you by telling you so. Either way, I think talking to her about this is necessary. I hope you'll be able to clear things up with her. I'm happy that you've been able to find a support system IRL! Be proud of yourself for that. I hope she will be kind and supportive to you. You deserve it just like everyone else. You're a wonderful person. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you and your friend. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
I have talked to her about it and all she ever says she sees me during the week and Sat she cleans the house and Sunday she spends time with her husband.I can understand how she would want to be with her husband but she can get kind of nasty sometimes she did to me once and it was about the phone calls.She always tells me she doesnt want to tell me anything because she is afraid it will cause me to get anxieties and I keep telling her it doesnt work that way.Matter of fact when I am anxious and someone starts to talk about a problem it actually makes me less anxious because I am to busy being concerned and worried about them,She did tell me one time she thinks I worry to much like I told her I cannot help it worrying goes along with the anxieties.She says all the time she worries about me she said she could see if her husband was abusive then I can worry but not the way it is now.I do know she never asks for any help.I love her she even told me once she didnt realize her comment upset me so much.It did.
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Old 02-21-2019, 01:23 AM   #7
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Default Re: My friend confuses me

Now she really upset me yesterday I asked her if we would still be friends when she quit,she paused for a few seconds before I got an answer she said I dont know ,we could both be in a nursing home but when her other friend asked her the same question she said yes,she did say yes to me a long time ago,but now I get I dont know and her friend gets a yes made me feel bad and like crawling in a hole ,well guess what I told her she would always be my friend.
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Old 02-23-2019, 02:41 PM   #8
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I am going to step in here and offer my own take on this. The use of a phone for me is for brief businesslike communication and not for chatting. It is just the way I am. Call it what you will, maybe 'phone anxiety', but I find it excruciating to linger on a phone just talking. I call and say what needs to be said in as concise a manner as possible, often with what I need to say having been rehearsed. I leave the chit-chatting for in person. Never could I video chat either. I think my friends and family understand this. If the person is too far away to see in person, my preferred communication is email. I am just completely incapabe of gabbing on a phone.
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Old 02-23-2019, 03:57 PM   #9
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I am going to step in here and offer my own take on this. The use of a phone for me is for brief businesslike communication and not for chatting. It is just the way I am. Call it what you will, maybe 'phone anxiety', but I find it excruciating to linger on a phone just talking. I call and say what needs to be said in as concise a manner as possible, often with what I need to say having been rehearsed. I leave the chit-chatting for in person. Never could I video chat either. I think my friends and family understand this. If the person is too far away to see in person, my preferred communication is email. I am just completely incapabe of gabbing on a phone.
I cant talk more then 10 minutes on the phone and I get uncomfortable even though I know her,she just doesnt like talking on the phone. I still cannot understand why one of her friends can talk 1-2 hours with her and I cant call,i know she only see her once a month,but it makes me feel funny.
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Old 02-23-2019, 08:59 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by xmascarol View Post
I do call her if she is out sick because I really do care about it one time she got mad and told me she has a husband so what I had a husband once and he didnt care if my friends called me.
When she comes to see you once to twice per week, that is without her husband right? So when she goes home, maybe she just wants to spend quality time with her husband without interruption.

She is already coming out to see you one to two times per week. I think that may just be her limit.

Now, her not wanting you to call to check on her when she's out sick, that's a bit strange. But if that's what she wants, then I guess you just need to respect her wishes. You may also want to try being friends with other people if this friendship causes you confusion.

Last edited by ennie; 02-23-2019 at 09:32 PM.. Reason: add icon
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