Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > >

Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-02-2018, 02:08 PM   #1
Grand Poohbah
BirdDancer's Avatar
BirdDancer has no updates.
Member Since: Aug 2011
Location: The Garden State
Posts: 1,787
My Mood: It's worsening

Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
5 yr Member
2,123 hugs
PC PoohBah!
Default It's worsening

I was crying this morning about my 78 year old dad and his situation (alcohol abuse, surely mood issues and/or severe late age mid-life crisis). Then this morning my sister wrote ne that my brother told her dad suddenly showed up with a black eye. He is often having injuries abd has twice had an ambulance called by someone at his regular bar, though he refused both times to let them take him to the hospital.

I've written about my dad here at more length several weeks ago. I don't have it in me to tell the whole long story again, but his most concerning issues started about 8 years ago and have worsened over that time.

His latest behavioral action was breaking up with his girlfriend of 7 years (with whom he broke up with and got back together with many times) and declaring love for his housekeeper. He brought her to a family reunion yesterday, which I didn't attend, and my sister said he was pawing at her in front of people like he often did to his other girlfriend. He never did that to my mother. His behavior has changed so much in these past years since my mother's death. He had behavior/mood issues his whole life that I've been alive, but the alcohol has really changed him. He was not a heavy regular drinker until his 70s. My husband thinks his fear of old age is playing a part. Another sad part is that he neglects my siblings, nephew and me in favor of bar and cafe cronies.

I almost wish that something would happen to necessitate a hospitalization for him (though nothing exceedingly bad, especially nothing affecting anyone else). We've tried family interventions, but they have not helped.
I have Bipolar type 1

Tegretol XR generic (1200 mg)
Lamictal generic (100 mg)
Seroquel XR generic (550 mg)
Klonopin generic (0.5 mg)
Ativan generic (0.25 mg & hopefully soon just PRN up to 3 mg/day)

Others: Propranolol (40 mg), Synthroid (150 mcg), OTC multi-vitamin, OTC iron supplement (during periods)
BirdDancer is online now   Reply With Quote

Old 09-02-2018, 05:46 PM   #2
Open Eyes
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes has no updates.
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 17,814 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: It's worsening

Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
5 yr Member
14.6k hugs
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: It's worsening

I am sorry BirdDancer, but unfortunately with this problem your dad has to realize he has a problem and WANT to change.
Open Eyes is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 09-10-2018, 07:05 AM   #3
New Member
Ness102 has no updates.
Member Since: Aug 2018
Location: Australia
Posts: 8
My Mood: It's worsening

Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Default Re: It's worsening

Its such a familiar story! My dad is constantly having to go to hospital and having ambulances called for him. I don't know how to help him and usually pull away. That is what I have done at the moment.
My dad is one of the most selfish people I know... Mainly as a result of the drink but other underlying things. When he chooses the Alcohol and other things above us I choose my health over his!
I hope things start to improve but if they don't, maybe as hard as it may sound give him some time. Let him realise you aren't there to pick up the pieces for him when he wants you there just because he calls.
Ness102 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-12-2018, 03:38 AM   #4
New Member
GloomyYouth has no updates.
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: Lithuania
Posts: 4
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Default Re: It's worsening

I see a lot of sadness and helplessness here. You're saying 'I almost wish that something would happen' and that signals me that there's anger here but as if you're feeling guilty that you feel this way. I might be completely wrong here but I feel like there's even some kind of shame or a feeling of betrayal (where you mentioned the houskeeper situation and that he never did this to Your mother). It's completely natural given the situation.

Often when feeling negative emotions towards their parents people feel the immediate guilt (like I mentioned before) like they don't have the right to feel anger or shame, etc. Ask yourself how are you really feeling and let yourself like REALLY feel it and accept it, for example, be angry if you're feeling hurt. You are the child here, not your father and it's a really tough to feel like you have to take control and fix everything. But you really don't.

Ness102 is right, there are underlying things under every addiction. There are some emotions or thoughts that are too difficult for him to cope with in a mature way. When he's sober You can try to dig deeper into his inner world, engage him in the conversation about what he's going through, most probably he himself cannot identify what it is exactly that is so overwhelming for him (or maybe he can and it will be a great emotional experience.) Don't be afraid to say how you're feeling but in a calm way. Just let him be aware of what the loved ones feel about him. Don't expect him to change outright. Don't even expect for him to be open and emotional, there might be strong defense mechanisms preventing that. BUT this conversation could open a way for introspection on his part or maybe at least some understanding for You or maybe deepen the bond in your relationship.

Try to notice the tiniest positive things that he does and encourage him. Like if he even jokingly says 'I didn't drink the whole ... (day/weekend/week/etc.)' tell him how happy You are, give him a hug or an honest smile or tell him you love him. Sometimes we tend to noninentionally 'punish' for the accomplishments saying 'you shouldn't drink at all' or something like that but it only discourages them from further improvements. Just try to make EVERY improvement that you notice count.
GloomyYouth is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 09-14-2018, 02:36 PM   #5
TML8277 has no updates.
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: west
Posts: 34
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
6 hugs
Default Re: It's worsening

So sorry for what you are going though, BirdDancer. My mother is an alcoholic, so I understand that shame that goes along with it. I'm so sorry. If there is one thing that I have learned is that a person has to want help... You can't want it for them. You can't will it from them. Ironically enough, I find myself in a marriage with a partner who also suffers from an addiction, although it is not alcohol. I would have seen that right away. It's narcotics... While my mother has been sober almost 4 years, I find myself suffering yet again from another's addiction. It is truly a day by day. The hardest truth to accept is that you can't change that addiction for them.
TML8277 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2018, 01:25 AM   #6
lady411's Avatar
lady411 has no updates.
Member Since: Feb 2018
Location: US
Posts: 95
My Mood: It's worsening

Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
2 hugs
Default Re: It's worsening

I really sympathize with you and your situation. I'm sorry you're going thru this.
My father gave up drinking when i was 5. Since me and my siblings became adults and started our own lives my father has started drinking very lightly. But I feel that my mother keeps him grounded. I don't know what would happen to him if something ever happened to my mother.
My mother in law on the other hand is a heavy social drinker. She is a wonderful grandmother when she is sober but almost every time we have a family gathering outside her home she loses control of hey drinking. She is a heavy set 60 year old along with a few medical issues so I worry a lot about her safety. Luckily but sadly at the same time she has her children and grandchildren to take care of her when she gets drunk. My concern is more with my husband and his family how they completely brush it off the following day after an episode.
lady411 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2018, 03:38 PM   #7
Veteran Member
luvyrself has no updates.
Member Since: Dec 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 584
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
3 yr Member
44 hugs
Default Re: It's worsening

My dad was an alcoholic. Had the midlife crisis also and the crazy relationships. One was a drug dealing housekeeper. Whew. Still he was the only one who was there for me 24/7 tho lived out of state. Always able to give short sensible advice.
I thought that he just couldn’t manage all the heavy responsibilities in his life. He was a brilliant man. When he had serious business setbacks the drinking got out of control and the spiral went downhill from there- down and down and down. Wouldn’t go to AA. Trying to help is so tough.I think the talking and praising sounds good. You’re the best.
luvyrself is offline   Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:15 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.


HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp

Helplines and Lifelines