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Old 08-02-2018, 10:35 PM   #1
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Default Guilt is eating me up

My mother has been an alcoholic as long as I can remember. I raised myself and my brother from a young age. She has been through rehab many times and I offer my support every time. However, once my first son was born I told her she could not see him unless she was sober and seeing a therapist. She had several relapses but I always let her back into my life because I felt like I owed it to her to see her grandchildren.
This last time, only a few days ago, was the last straw and I told her I would no longer speak with her. Now I come to find out she was drinking so heavily she fell and had surgery for swelling in her brain last night. The hospital called me to be her proxy and it was all too raw for me and I told them no. One of her sisters will be the contact for the hospital but I feel such powerful guilt, like she should automatically be my responsibility. The thought of having to take care of her turns my stomach and that makes me feel guilty too. I don't want this life for my children, I just want to have no contact at all but if she ends up permanently disabled I don't know what I will do. I am so sick of this, I just want to be free.
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Old 08-03-2018, 03:47 AM   #2
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Default Re: Guilt is eating me up

I am sorry to hear about your mother and that you are suffering, feeling guilty. Although you didn't say it, I'm going to assume you feel your recent disconnect with her caused her drink and fall and sustain a head injury. The Truth is you did not. Just as you didn't have the power to make her stop drinking, you don't have the powe to cause her to fall, be hospitalized, etc. And not only are you feeling guilty, you are probably angry with your mother, too.

It sounds to me like you have done a fantastic job of managing your life as well as your children's. No where is it written that children own their parents care when they get old or injured or become addicted. You made a wise choice by not accepting to be your mother's proxy, too. Perhaps it is just right that her sister assume this role.

If you can allow the Universe to work this situation out (and it seems like you are doing that), it will be to everyone's benefit. Keep listening to that wise, still small voice inside that tells us the Truth.

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Old 08-06-2018, 02:48 AM   #3
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Default Re: Guilt is eating me up

I certainly know the pain... It's constant conflict: being drawn to the very source of your pain, but pushed away from the one you love... It haunts me everyday
Are we not all hungry ghosts chasing the phantoms of our choice?
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Old 08-07-2018, 02:03 PM   #4
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Default Re: Guilt is eating me up

My mother was alcoholic for many years. I didn't let her see my daughter because I couldn't deal with taking care of her and my daughter too. I lived with emotional abuse from both parents and physical abuse from my father. I didn't want their only grandchild caught in their drama. We've both had enough drama in our lives without that as well.

You're not automatically responsible for her care, like you're not responsible for her drinking and the consequences that ensue. She has other people, both professional and not, that can take care of her. Focus on yourself and your family.
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Old 08-21-2018, 06:56 AM   #5
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Default Re: Guilt is eating me up

dolphinheart99 I understand where you are coming from and going through something similar with my dad at the moment, although I do not have children of my own which I can imagine just makes the situation 100x harder. He is constantly in hospital as a result of falls that have resulted from drinking too much, with broken nose, arm and who knows what else at the moment!
Alcohol (and his mental illnesses - which lets face it go hand in hand) rule his life now more than I think they ever have and its getting harder to stick around for him.
I have been asked a number of times to be his carer and the guilt, shame and judgement I feel when I have to tell people that I cant do it and really do not want to do it is unbearable at times.
As much you feel guilty you need to think about yourself and your own heath x
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