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Old 03-08-2018, 10:54 PM   #1
jen79107
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Default Intensifying anger at parents?

Hello all! I found and posted here last May when I discovered that ACoA exists. I haven't been active since then as I went back to being a workaholic in order to feel successful.

Has anyone dealt with intense feelings of anger, even rage, at their parents? I'm in my mid 30's and the last few years I've noticed that instead of the usual resignation or guilt I feel so angry at my parents. I think part of it is that I now have a 12 and 14 year old and it's becoming even clearer to me how much my parents didn't care to raise their children. I mean, parenting is hard. There are times my children ask me a question or a situation arises that I am freaking out wondering if I'm doing this right. It infuriates me that my parents basically threw their hands in the air, decided this parenting crap is just too much work, and then smoked a joint or had another beer or another line.

On top of that, my absentee junkie father that I haven't talked to in 5 years had started asking people for my phone number and trying to add me as a friend on facebook. My mom, who never contacts me, reached out to me a month ago to pay her property taxes. Which I did, my thought process at the time was it wasn't worth giving her a reason to do the poor pity me act. Haven't heard from her again until yesterday, when she sends me a facebook message asking me to take a typing test for a job application for her. I haven't replied.

Im just so pissed. The audacity of them. Just leave me alone! How shameless are they that they do a crap job as parents and then feel okay asking for anything from me????? Whether it's money, or time, or a relationship-I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm glad this forum exists, sometimes I feel like these thoughts and feelings are toxic, like venom in my body and I just need to get it out. But there isn't really anyone I can talk to in my personal life that can understand. My 2 closest friends, my fiance, they all come from nuclear families, 2 loving parents, no substance abuse in their homes, no emotional or physical abuse. Sometimes I do tell them things and I don't want them to judge me or feel sorry for me so I don't get into details with them.
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Old 03-09-2018, 02:32 PM   #2
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I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of this. There isn't really have anything, in particular, I can offer. But I wanted to let you know I read your post. And I wish you well.
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Old 03-09-2018, 03:20 PM   #3
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Default Re: Intensifying anger at parents?

I did go through a period of time when I was very angry at my father (the alcoholic) and somewhat with my mother (the enabler). This was in my 20's when I first realized that some of the problems that I had then were likely a result of some of the stuff that happened when I was a child.

Since then I have come to the point where I have pretty much forgiven them. I don't think that I consciously did it. It just kind of happened. It took awhile though. My dad died quite a few years ago. After that there just wasn't much point in being angry anymore.
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Old 03-10-2018, 02:53 PM   #4
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Both of my parents are gone for a few years now, and I still feel angry at them at times, especially my dad. My mom was the alcoholic, though.
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Old 03-16-2018, 07:04 PM   #5
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Default Re: Intensifying anger at parents?

It is frustrating because there is no way to force these old stubborn people to change, and you feel so much regret in not being able to help them. I tried to be angry, compassionate, reasonable, emotional, desperate, wise. No word of act will trigger any emotion in them, at least not when it comes to their alcoholism, their enabling, or their toxic relationship.

No child should be responsible for curing their parents. It is already hard enough to see your parents fade out, age, and then die of old age. But to see them destroy each other, to see them waste decades of their lives because they are unable to come to simple realizations, that is terrible.

I cannot imagine how it is to have your own kids. I am happy I never had to introduce a girlfriend to my parents. And I am 34. I blame their alcoholism in part for this. But they do not understand this. The realization that their alcoholism destroyed part of their childeren's life seems too hard to come to terms with, so they just don't, because they cannot bear the truth of how many scars their created in their children.

I cannot get really mad at them. I am too composed. But I always imagine I will hold a raving emotional speech when I have to bury one of them. Lashing out at them, on their funeral. Lashing out at all those that stood by and did too little. Their 'friends' who failed to take action and do something.
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Old 03-16-2018, 07:42 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jen79107 View Post
Hello all! I found and posted here last May when I discovered that ACoA exists. I haven't been active since then as I went back to being a workaholic in order to feel successful.

Has anyone dealt with intense feelings of anger, even rage, at their parents? I'm in my mid 30's and the last few years I've noticed that instead of the usual resignation or guilt I feel so angry at my parents. I think part of it is that I now have a 12 and 14 year old and it's becoming even clearer to me how much my parents didn't care to raise their children. I mean, parenting is hard. There are times my children ask me a question or a situation arises that I am freaking out wondering if I'm doing this right. It infuriates me that my parents basically threw their hands in the air, decided this parenting crap is just too much work, and then smoked a joint or had another beer or another line.

On top of that, my absentee junkie father that I haven't talked to in 5 years had started asking people for my phone number and trying to add me as a friend on facebook. My mom, who never contacts me, reached out to me a month ago to pay her property taxes. Which I did, my thought process at the time was it wasn't worth giving her a reason to do the poor pity me act. Haven't heard from her again until yesterday, when she sends me a facebook message asking me to take a typing test for a job application for her. I haven't replied.

Im just so pissed. The audacity of them. Just leave me alone! How shameless are they that they do a crap job as parents and then feel okay asking for anything from me????? Whether it's money, or time, or a relationship-I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm glad this forum exists, sometimes I feel like these thoughts and feelings are toxic, like venom in my body and I just need to get it out. But there isn't really anyone I can talk to in my personal life that can understand. My 2 closest friends, my fiance, they all come from nuclear families, 2 loving parents, no substance abuse in their homes, no emotional or physical abuse. Sometimes I do tell them things and I don't want them to judge me or feel sorry for me so I don't get into details with them.
I am still very angary, hurt, and discusted at my parents, even though they have passed away several years ago.
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Old 03-16-2018, 08:17 PM   #7
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You cant take a typing test for your mom. Why is she asking you to commit a crime for her? Okay, so we all have our price. Tell her yours is a million dollars.
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Old 03-18-2018, 01:57 AM   #8
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Default Re: Intensifying anger at parents?

I really want to talk to someone about how I'm feeling but I'm not sure where to start. I guess I'm upset and irritated and pretty close to shutting my parents out for good. But I know how guilty I will feel because I know I'd be relieved I don't have to worry about them anymore. My parents are both recovering addicts, everything from LSD to prescription pain meds, to alcoholism. My sister had to deal with the needles and I got the alcohol and snorting pain meds. I think I might be codependent and have an anxiety disorder because of them. I feel kind of lost when it comes to them, I want them to be better but I'm so tired of trying to help and them just turning it around on me like I'm turning against them.
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Old 03-20-2018, 05:43 AM   #9
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Default Re: Intensifying anger at parents?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jen79107 View Post
Hello all! I found and posted here last May when I discovered that ACoA exists. I haven't been active since then as I went back to being a workaholic in order to feel successful.

Has anyone dealt with intense feelings of anger, even rage, at their parents? I'm in my mid 30's and the last few years I've noticed that instead of the usual resignation or guilt I feel so angry at my parents. I think part of it is that I now have a 12 and 14 year old and it's becoming even clearer to me how much my parents didn't care to raise their children. I mean, parenting is hard. There are times my children ask me a question or a situation arises that I am freaking out wondering if I'm doing this right. It infuriates me that my parents basically threw their hands in the air, decided this parenting crap is just too much work, and then smoked a joint or had another beer or another line.

On top of that, my absentee junkie father that I haven't talked to in 5 years had started asking people for my phone number and trying to add me as a friend on facebook. My mom, who never contacts me, reached out to me a month ago to pay her property taxes. Which I did, my thought process at the time was it wasn't worth giving her a reason to do the poor pity me act. Haven't heard from her again until yesterday, when she sends me a facebook message asking me to take a typing test for a job application for her. I haven't replied.

Im just so pissed. The audacity of them. Just leave me alone! How shameless are they that they do a crap job as parents and then feel okay asking for anything from me????? Whether it's money, or time, or a relationship-I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm glad this forum exists, sometimes I feel like these thoughts and feelings are toxic, like venom in my body and I just need to get it out. But there isn't really anyone I can talk to in my personal life that can understand. My 2 closest friends, my fiance, they all come from nuclear families, 2 loving parents, no substance abuse in their homes, no emotional or physical abuse. Sometimes I do tell them things and I don't want them to judge me or feel sorry for me so I don't get into details with them.
Hi Jen79107. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I felt a lot of anger and resentment towards my mother (enabler) and my step-dad (alcoholic). I still feel some of those feelings towards my dad too. Since I started doing some internal healing work a lot of those feelings disappeared.

What I learnt is that unfortunately, we cannot change our parents or anyone around us in fact. If we want to see any change in our lives we have to start the work from ourselves. When we heal our wounds things start to change for better.

I think a lot of this anger is just our pain and everything else we hid inside of us throughout the years and it's now trying to find its way out. We have to allow ourselves to grief for all of the loses that happened because of other people.
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Old 04-20-2018, 10:36 AM   #10
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Default Re: Intensifying anger at parents?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jen79107 View Post
Hello all! I found and posted here last May when I discovered that ACoA exists. I haven't been active since then as I went back to being a workaholic in order to feel successful.

Has anyone dealt with intense feelings of anger, even rage, at their parents? I'm in my mid 30's and the last few years I've noticed that instead of the usual resignation or guilt I feel so angry at my parents. I think part of it is that I now have a 12 and 14 year old and it's becoming even clearer to me how much my parents didn't care to raise their children. I mean, parenting is hard. There are times my children ask me a question or a situation arises that I am freaking out wondering if I'm doing this right. It infuriates me that my parents basically threw their hands in the air, decided this parenting crap is just too much work, and then smoked a joint or had another beer or another line.

On top of that, my absentee junkie father that I haven't talked to in 5 years had started asking people for my phone number and trying to add me as a friend on facebook. My mom, who never contacts me, reached out to me a month ago to pay her property taxes. Which I did, my thought process at the time was it wasn't worth giving her a reason to do the poor pity me act. Haven't heard from her again until yesterday, when she sends me a facebook message asking me to take a typing test for a job application for her. I haven't replied.

Im just so pissed. The audacity of them. Just leave me alone! How shameless are they that they do a crap job as parents and then feel okay asking for anything from me????? Whether it's money, or time, or a relationship-I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm glad this forum exists, sometimes I feel like these thoughts and feelings are toxic, like venom in my body and I just need to get it out. But there isn't really anyone I can talk to in my personal life that can understand. My 2 closest friends, my fiance, they all come from nuclear families, 2 loving parents, no substance abuse in their homes, no emotional or physical abuse. Sometimes I do tell them things and I don't want them to judge me or feel sorry for me so I don't get into details with them.
Jen79107, I am really sorry to hear that your parents are still causing you so much anger. You sound like such a strong person - you're inspiring to me

Like martaa06, I can also relate to a lot of this and now that I am working on self-healing, I am starting to work through everything with a therapist. I never knew how angry I was at my Dad for never protecting us from my alcoholic mother because I had bottled it up all these years as anxiety and depression (not just anger at him for not physically protecting us, but from how her behaviour, the environment at home, her nastiness, bullying, etc made me feel - that I am not human, not worthy, not enough, unloved, undesirable, ugly, helpless - and how I have let this hold me back from so many things in life, even just living life). Through trying to unpick everything in the last couple of years, I found my anger and now it is slowly dissipating as I work on myself and healing the childhood parts of me that were hurt.

I think the anger is good - it means I know what is ok and what is not. It has begun to strain my relationship with my Dad a little though. I know he loves us, but how could he allow us to go in a car with her when she was so drunk that she couldn't string a sentence together and had crashed with me in the car more than once. Shouldn't you never allow a child to be driven by drunk person, let alone your own who you say you love? I've tried to open up this topic with my Dad lately but instead of responding how I would like him to by acknowledging the effect of her drinking on me - and my brother and sister - he just turns the conversation to how her behaviour has affected him and that he has it just as bad. I have to accept that he may never acknowledge it, and I'm going to have to deal with this through working on myself.
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