Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > Mental Health Support > Adult Children of Alcoholics



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-03-2017, 02:20 AM   #1
New Member
SoVeryLonely has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2017
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 4
My Mood:

Default Not to sound selfish but...

My husband and I have been married for ten years. Quickly into our relationship I could tell that he was not as affectionate and flexible as I would like in a mate. I tried to break up bit somehow kept ending up back together because I couldn't hear to break his heart. Now we've been married ten years, (we do have a wonderful daughter along with my two from a previous marriage my husband loves so much) and I'm still wondering why I married a man that cannot show affection that is not sexually motivated.

I love him very much and have always know something wasn't quite right. How could someone be so funny and giving and conscientious but show very little affection or love? When I'm upset about anything (death in the family, normal stuff) it looks almost painful to pat me on the shoulder and try to soothe me. He's much rather leave the room. How can a human be this way? I'm more lonely married than I was single. Not to mention the constant negativity and pessimism.

Well, I've analyzed and analyzed over the years and thought to look up effects of alcoholic parent on the child. It is a known fact that is brought up frequently from his mom and family that his dad was an alcoholic. I was pretty blown away and bought the book Loving the Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

I have been afraid to bring up stuff in the book for reasons y'all should probably know - afraid of the aftermath of pointing out any flaw whatsoever. Until the final and last straw for me - another fight that was as basically the same song 200th verse of the last ten years worth of fights. I just couldn't be the understanding forgiving wife anymore. I'm done. I told him I was done and that I'm out of here!

I left and came back a couple of hours later and we talked more calmly. I told him I was serious and it was not a threat. I told him about the book and read some of it to him. Something clicked and he finally understood what was going on. He is going to get treatment and started ACA support groups.

But what about me? I'VE been the one struggling and dealing with this all this time. He thought life was happy until I told him about my sadness and feelings of wanting desperately to leave. I'm so lonely. I have hope now, but I'm so tired and frankly don't know if I'm up for the next few years of healing. I just want to be held. To be looked at and adored. To be encouraged without hearing the BUTs. To connect intimately with my husband before and during sex. I feel used. I'm empty. I would never harm myself but I have prayed for God to take me. That's how empty I am.

I just needed to vent somewhere people would understand who don't know me. Thanks for listening friends.
SoVeryLonely is offline   Reply With Quote

advertisement
Old 09-03-2017, 05:19 PM   #2
Elder...and a bit Older
Community Liaison
 
Quarter life's Avatar
Quarter life Is Very Angry
 
Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: My Own Orbit
Posts: 5,298 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

3 yr Member
475 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Not to sound selfish but...

Hi SoVeryLonely.

For those who feel alone, or simply wanting to reach out for a chat without judgement......this is the place. There are many good listeners here... we're a pretty good bunch. You may like to cut & paste your post above into the Introductions Forum aswell, so that other members can welcome you to the P.C community. https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

I have been an active member of this site for more than 3 years. In that time I have received some really constructive feedback and connected with several others with similar challenges to myself. I have also found hanging out in the Games Forums to be a welcome distraction in times of stress... a great way to clear my head, meet like minded others, and have some well needed fun. New members also benefit greatly from perusing the many forums available here...lots to explore.

Also after 5 approved posts members have the option to join the chatrooms..or chat one on one with other members.

Should you have any questions on navigating this site, please don't hesitate to private message me or any of the other Community Liaisons who will be more than happy to help. Just click on the screen name above my avatar.

Please be kind & generous to yourself SoVeryLonely, and welcome to P.C
__________________
The devil whispered in my ear, "You cannot withstand the storm." I whispered back, "I am ​the storm."
Quarter life is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 09-03-2017, 11:14 PM   #3
New Member
SoVeryLonely has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2017
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 4
My Mood:

Default Re: Not to sound selfish but...

Thank you so much! It's so good to have a place to talk about it all. I don't want to share with anyone in "real life" because I don't want to disrespect my husband and need to support him on this journey.

Peace.
SoVeryLonely is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2017, 08:50 AM   #4
Magnate
 
Shazerac's Avatar
Shazerac is attempting to contact the mother ship.
 
Member Since: May 2015
Location: earth
Posts: 2,197 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

2 yr Member
1,186 hugs
given
Default Re: Not to sound selfish but...

It's nice that you want to support your husband, but you need support too. Maybe seeing a therapist could help you. If you're not happy ...then you're not happy. Don't feel selfish or guilty for needing help. Reaching out for help is not disrespecting your husband.
__________________

Eat a live frog for breakfast every morning and nothing worse can happen to you that day!

"Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be left waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth. Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Bipolar type 2 rapid cycling DX 2013 -
Seroquel 100 > 75mg as of 9/1/17
Celexa 40mg > 30 mg as of 9/1/17 > 20mg 9/19/17
Xanax .5 mg prn
Modafanil 200mg > 100mg as of 9/1/17

Shazerac is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 09-05-2017, 10:06 PM   #5
New Member
SoVeryLonely has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2017
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 4
My Mood:

Default Re: Not to sound selfish but...

So, an update. My 23 year old daughter called in the middle of the night completely wasted and rambling incoherently. After a sleepless night, she called to tell me she was checking herself into rehab. So, life is just getting better and better. And, I'm sitting here wondering what happened? When did my high-IQ, bows-in-hair, church youth group loving little girl leave us? Where did I go wrong? And, now with a husband finding out all of this about himself. I really feel alone and overwhelmed.
SoVeryLonely is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-24-2017, 10:44 AM   #6
Member
 
Curry's Avatar
Curry has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2015
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 324
My Mood:

3 yr Member
1,125 hugs
given
Default Re: Not to sound selfish but...

I am sorry you feel alone and overwhelmed. How can we help you?
Curry is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 10-24-2017, 11:30 AM   #7
New Member
Laceytree has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: Austin
Posts: 3
Default Re: Not to sound selfish but...

I understand what you are going through - as I am in the same boat. My husband is the adult child of at least two alcoholics that I know of (dad & step mom #1). I've also read the book you reference trying to get perspective and understand how I can better respond. If you haven't sought out a good therapist/counselor I'd strongly suggest it. Just reading the book left me feeling overwhelmed with all of the challenges created by growing up with alcoholic parents (I was lucky enough not to have this experience).

We are seeing a therapist together (and separately) and it helps. My husband has only barely started to acknowledge that his upbringing might be impacting how we interact. I also feel lonely. He gets angry about something at least once weekly. Sometimes (most the time) it's small stuff, but big anger... I'm learning how to deal with this and not-engage so as not to make it worse.

Intimacy is often followed by arguing - almost like a pattern. I feel unable to talk about my feelings to him unless they are perfectly happy feelings - bc anything else causes him to get upset and tell me I am being mean to him by sharing these negative feelings - somehow the conversation ALWAYS gets turned around to be about him.

I do not feel safe to express myself or to interact with his child because of the irritation or anger it seems to generate in my husband, I do not feel close to him currently and it kills me. I love him and we have had many happy times together - it's just the constant blaming in anger and roller coaster of weekly drama I cannot handle. When he's happy he is AWESOME, btw.

I have a very happy and positive career, my 15 yr old son is doing well, is well adjusted, and we are close - so I feel good about my abilities at work and as a mother. It's only my marriage that is so difficult and is lacking in support.

Our counselor has encouraged me to focus on myself more and continue to dis-engage when my husband becomes angry. Let him cool down on his own, he tends to come back around and talk at times - other times a small trickle becomes a gusher and multiple issues come out. This dis-engaging is very important as we have two 15 year olds in the house and things tend to escalate very quickly if I engage. I don't want the kids to grow up with this arguing as a weekly occurance.

My hope (and my reply to him after an argument) is that he can stay level headed and simply discuss differences or problems with me instead of blaming me and treating me like I intentionally did something wrong. I hold out hope we can achieve this type of partnership. In the meantime, I am trying to take care of myself and I would encourage you to try and do the same. Your needs count too!
Laceytree is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 12-29-2017, 05:47 PM   #8
Member
 
Curry's Avatar
Curry has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2015
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 324
My Mood:

3 yr Member
1,125 hugs
given
Default Re: Not to sound selfish but...

Hi SoVeryLonely. I hear from you name that you wish you had more friends. I found some intimacy in alanon. I wish I had taken the steps to branch out in my life to meet people, to explore what I wanted while I was still married. Maybe a therapist would have helped me figure out how to gain power in a marriage where my husband would stop me when I tried to change or venture away from our unhealthy dynamic. He left for a young girl, but I still have to fight for the chance to change. I wish I had known that change can be kind and good. Chang is not against another person, it is changing unhealthy behavior.
Curry is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 01-10-2018, 08:16 PM   #9
Member
 
wordshaker's Avatar
wordshaker has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2018
Location: Northeast
Posts: 151 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

59 hugs
given
Default Re: Not to sound selfish but...

Hi, my heart goes out to you. I've felt that anguish - feeling utterly alone in a marriage and otherwise isolated as well. It's really rough. It seems personal support has to be top on your list. I'm cheering for you. I hope you can find some comfort and connection, and then take a fresh look at where life is taking you. Your husband has some wonderful qualities, and maybe a great therapist can help you implement some big life-saving changes now. Sending love out your way.
wordshaker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2018, 06:36 PM   #10
Junior Member
 
Dalea's Avatar
Dalea has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2018
Location: Flagstaff
Posts: 19
My Mood:

217 hugs
given
Default Re: Not to sound selfish but...

I have tried going to ALANON and ACOA meetings and they help. They seem to be good support. I can hear from others with the same problem. I wish you luck.
Dalea is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:55 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp


 
Helplines and Lifelines