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Old 07-10-2017, 04:34 PM   #1
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Blush First post and looking for support

Hello everyone. I am grateful to find this forum. I am 29 and married with a one year old and currently pregnant. I been in and out of counseling since I was 19 so I've done a lot of self work, but it hasn't been until recently that I finally put the label on my parents that they were addicts and cut them off (these were two separate events that happened back to back).

As a child, my parents were marijuana and cocaine addicts. When my dad got fired from his job for failing a drop test he switched to alcohol while my mom still abused marijuana. I am not opposed to marijuana used recreationally, but they used it daily to the degree that they were very absent and constantly had others over to party which meant I had to be in my room out of the way.

Both of my parents have always had terribly tempers and verbally abused my siblings and I as well as each other. Growing up I mostly remembering fearing them more than anything else and just trying to stay off their radar. I became the goody goody, honor roll, cheerleader, student council, church girl. I was perfect. By any standard I was a terrific daughter, but I was still neglected and told on multiple occasions how much of a disappointment I was, that I was an ungrateful ***** and many other insults that I've never been able to grasp.

Fast forward to when I was pregnant with my first, and my mom was horribly rude to me my entire pregnancy. She has never been a source of comfort, support or positivity. I knew that I did not want her in the delivery room or stay at my home afterwards to "take care of me" because there would be no helping. My dad would be loud and drunk, she would be high and out of it, and I'd be miserable and uncomfortable with a newborn. Eventually I told her my desires which of course turned into a major, horrible fight. I understand that her feelings were hurt, but that wasn't my intention. I had to finally stand up for myself. This really started the true demise of the dysfunctional relationship we've always had.

Fast forward to now, and I find out I'm pregnant with my second. I have a history of recurrent miscarriages so it's a lot of stress in the beginning anyways, but I immediately had flashbacks to my last pregnancy and all of the drama that surrounded it. I knew that I had to address these issues with my parents early so that I would not dwell in depression and anxiety for 9 months. I told them I was pregnant again, that I was still high risk, and that I wanted this pregnancy to be positive. Just that last statement was enough to set my parents off and start the attack on me. How I'm the insensitive one, that hopefully I've grown up and matured since my last pregnancy, and that they never did anything wrong. It ended with my dad telling me to get the **** out of his house, and I haven't talked to them since.

They went out of town to visit my large extended family and started spreading all kinds of heinous, awful lies about me and my husband. I started getting phone calls and texts from aunts and cousins about the most despicable lies- that I've gotten so drunk before while watching my son alone that I had to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning while my 1 year old son was just at my house alone, that my husband smokes pot every day and neglects us, that I have barely spoken to them in a year and keep my son from them, etc. That was enough. I called my mom and before she could get a word out told her to stop telling lies, that I was appalled at her for wanting attention by making up such awful stories about me, and that we were done. She hung up on me which is unlike her.

It's been a week and nothing. It is not like my parents to not lash back. I am very, certainly, definitely done with them so I can start living a healthier, positive life, but I'm living in fear of the unknown. Will they just show up at my house? Will they start calling and harassing me? Will they involve my brothers in the smear campaign? I don't know how to find peace here.

If you read all the way to the end, thank you. Any tips or advice?
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Old 07-11-2017, 02:32 AM   #2
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Default Re: First post and looking for support

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It's so frustrating when your own parents are not seeing the reality of the situation they are in and refuse to take responsibility for their harmful actions of the past and present. Especially when we keep hoping they will change and keep on giving them chance after chance.

I find myself devastated time and time again when my mother drinks and ruins any chance of our family having a good time together.

As a 28 year old who is married and children are on the cards in the next few years, I already feel anxious about how my mother and her drinking will affect me when I'm pregnant, in labour, and raising my family. She has failed me at every other big event in my life.

I think it's important that when dealing with dysfunctional family members, particularly addicts, that we put ourselves and our immediate family first. We cannot change the addict or their behaviour, but we can set boundaries to limit our exposure and limit the affect it has on us. We need to find ways to overcome that need to please them or somehow get their approval, because at the end of the day we will never get the desired result from them (ie. they won't get sober just to appease us). Particularly if they see the pattern of us continually giving them more chances and let them act dysfunctionally without consequence.

Personally I have been trying lately to just cut my time short with my mother when she starts drinking too much or starts behaving badly, I don't argue, I don't get upset, I just say it's time for me to go home. I don't pretend everything's ok but I don't join in on the dysfunctional behaviour either. I just get out of there and remind myself that it's the right thing to do for myself. I try not to let that fear of her rejecting me drive my decisions anymore.

You seem to be taking the right steps for yourself, your wellbeing and your family. Just know that you are in charge of your life.

Congratulations on your pregnancy too. It is an exciting time that shouldn't be overshadowed by the toxicity of your parents. Stay strong and true to yourself.

Good luck!
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Old 07-11-2017, 03:25 PM   #3
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Default Re: First post and looking for support

Once my father threatened to kick me out of the house and I joined the military, I had little contact with my parents. On the rare occasions that I did, my mother was drunk and hostile.

I was stationed in Germany when my daughter was born. My mother asked to see me and "help" me with the newborn. The last time I was with her she bought a case of beer so she wouldn't have withdrawals. No way was I going to take care of two people when I had barely enough wits to take care of myself.

As it happened, I had severe postpartum depression and my friends pitched in to take of my daughter and until I recovered. My mother was upset but it didn't stop her drinking. I didn't see her again until before she died of cancer. She never saw my daughter.

It sucks to have to be this way, but self-preservation and protecting my daughter from the dysfunctional family drama were the two things I kept in mind.
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Old 07-27-2017, 05:06 PM   #4
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Default Re: First post and looking for support

This must be terribly painful for you; an event that is supposed to be happy and joyous is tainted by bitter, angry feelings and a lot of anxiety. I cannot relate to the child aspect as I don't have any (likely due to the emotional trauma I experienced growing up) but I can absolutely relate to toxic parents. First of all, please don't feel guilty about standing up for what is best for you and your children. Your parents made their own choices and you had to deal with those consequences. They chose drugs and alcohol over your well being. That was their choice and you've had to suffer the emotional fallout from that. Now it's your turn to make a choice. You get to choose who gets to play an active role in your life. If they are caustic and unsupportive, then you get to make the choice not to allow their behavior to be a part of your life and your childrens' lives. They have to suffer those consequences. The guilt is not on you.

I suggest you write a letter to your mom and dad. Tell them how you feel. Don't be rude, don't accuse. Just tell them how you feel. Then keep it for a week. Think about it. Make any changes you wish to. Perhaps you want to close the door for now, but not lock it. If they clean up their act, maybe they can play a role in your life and their grandchildrens' lives. That part is up to you. You don't even have to actually send the letter.

My other suggestion is to talk to a counselor before the toxic relationship you had with your parents affects your relationship with your children. Trust me, until you deal with those emotions they will encroach on every relationship you have.

Wishing you peace and resolve girl!
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