Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > Mental Health Support > Adult Children of Alcoholics



advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 01-16-2017, 10:19 AM   #1
New Member
MollyFairfax has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 4
Default Sick of it now - alcoholic mother

OK so this is my first post so bear with me...

I'm the child of two alcoholics, one died two years ago, and after the police broke in my parents' door after concerns for my mother's welfare as I am her only child we made the decision to find her accomodation nearer to us. (I'm the only one of mum's children that she is in contact with, so it's me or no one.) I don't drink, btw. I do have an addiction, but I'm not sure an obsession with recreating medieval costume is harmful ;-)

She's 76 and on a regular 6 week rolling cycle she drinks herself into hospital. She injures herself quite regularly at home when she's drunk but when she's sober she says she doesn't need or want any intervention from social care providers. She has alcoholic psychosis and on the last bout she rang my workplace and told them that I was having an affair with a drug-dealer and that I was in her back room crying having separated from my husband...the same night she called the ambulance services telling them that I was in cardiac arrest in her flat.
I'm so utterly tired of her. The lies, the manipulation - I can see her trying to re-enact exactly the same pattern with my son as she did with me, using him as a cover to go to the shops for alcohol, asking him to lie for her. I feel as if she's trying to make me take on my dad's dysfunctional role of codependent and I'm not willing to do that. I'm not willing to excuse, cover, explain, or protect.

I'm just tired of being her "carer" - not an official role, as she's assessed as fully competent, and her behaviour is seen by the professionals as a choice. That I'm expected to disrupt the lives of other people - my husband, my son, my friends, my colleagues - to haul her ashes out of the fire time and time again. And because I'm her next of kin, it's me that gets the calls and gets to clean her flat when she's lost control of her bowels on the sofa or the mattress, sorts out the bills she's been to drunk to pay...ugh.

The hard thing is that every so often she will decide she has a problem and that she needs to do something about it, and she'll go part-way, and then she'll stop.
And one of the things with being an ACOA is I have very little patience with unreliability. I've been here so many times before and I'm cynical about either her capacity to, or motivation to, change. It's always promises and promises and promises....and I feel bad because she has no one else, but not so bad that I'm willing to allow my son to be exposed to the cycle, and not so bad that I'm willing to be made responsible for her.

She's just called me at work (drunk) for the second time today to say that she's made an appointment to see the doctor on Thursday.
My heart and my brain tell me that she's drunk, she will deny (is denying) being drunk at this point in time, and that spending time with her drunk will just irritate the hell out of me.
My conscience says she's a fragile 76 year old woman, she's lonely, and she's in poor health, and if I don't see her I'll be sorry that I neglected her.
What I *want* to say is "talk to me when you're sober, and when you've attended that appointment". I know what I'll get if I do that is lies. That she is sober now, and that the appointment was cancelled/she attended and all she got was her new prescription/blah.

It's a toughie....
MollyFairfax is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:

advertisement
Unread 01-16-2017, 03:59 PM   #2
Wise Old Troll
 
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: The Minne-apple
Posts: 10,332 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

6,823 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile Re: Sick of it now - alcoholic mother

Hello MollyFairfax: Thank you for sharing this most difficult situation. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.
Skeezyks is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-16-2017, 09:12 PM   #3
Grand Magnate
 
shortandcute's Avatar
shortandcute has an update.
 
Member Since: Aug 2011
Location: Washington State, U.S.A.
Posts: 3,116
My Mood:

5 yr Member
2,570 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Heart Re: Sick of it now - alcoholic mother

__________________
"Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can see the top." -Wildflower

http://missracgel.wixsite.com/bearhugs
shortandcute is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-17-2017, 06:58 AM   #4
Member
gmts has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2016
Location: Germany
Posts: 79
4 hugs
given
Default Re: Sick of it now - alcoholic mother

I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but I feel truly sorry for you.
gmts is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 01-17-2017, 03:36 PM   #5
New Member
MollyFairfax has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 4
Default Re: Sick of it now - alcoholic mother

Thanks, all!

Update: she hasn't got undressed since Sunday, she's drinking whisky and lager mix. Been to see her today, which was... It was okay, I said to her that I wouldn't spend a lot of time with her while she was drunk and she was okay with that, she understood.

She's just called me again (after finishing the whisky, I guess) stupid with drink - ACOAs will know the one, where there's the conversational time delay and they repeat what you say back to you - I told her I couldn't talk to her tonight and bid her a good night.

And there it is. No anger on either side, no nastiness, just a refusal tyo engage on my part and acceptance on hers and as a modus vivendi, I think I can cope with that for now.
MollyFairfax is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Unread 02-01-2017, 07:10 AM   #6
New Member
elsee has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 5
My Mood:

Default Re: Sick of it now - alcoholic mother

I'm so sorry.
I am in a similar place as you are with my own mother. However, I have so little emotion and compassion for her. I am about to go pick her up to take her to a therapist appointment and I know I'll walk into a house that is filthy and will have to check a week's worth of mail and take a week's worth of garbage out.
elsee is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 02-02-2017, 04:43 AM   #7
Veteran Member
 
Erebos's Avatar
Erebos has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2016
Location: U.K.
Posts: 568 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

38 hugs
given
Default Re: Sick of it now - alcoholic mother

I am familiar with the rigmaroll.
All you can do, if you can't walk away, is protect yourself, and not get drawn in.
Don't feel guilty...for anything..It's not your responsibility.
Be strong, take care, best wishes.
__________________
I Don't Care What You Think Of Me...I Don't Think Of You At All.
CoCo Chanel.
Erebos is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 02-07-2017, 12:45 PM   #8
Poohbah
 
AllHeart's Avatar
AllHeart has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,434
My Mood:

2 yr Member
1,334 hugs
given
Default Re: Sick of it now - alcoholic mother

I'm so sorry. Have you tried Al Anon meetings? There are also on-line meetings and chats if you can't get to one in person. I found Al Anon to be very helpful. It's been eye opening and really helped me to learn to let go.

Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups
AllHeart is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 02-16-2017, 10:41 PM   #9
Junior Member
buglady0258 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2016
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 24
Default Re: Sick of it now - alcoholic mother

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You've found a great community here on PC. As others have said, you need to care for yourself first and I'm glad that you recognize her behavior towards your son. I don't have much advice but will send warm internet hugs.
buglady0258 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:47 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp

Helplines and Lifelines