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Old 01-16-2017, 09:19 AM   #1
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Default Sick of it now - alcoholic mother

OK so this is my first post so bear with me...

I'm the child of two alcoholics, one died two years ago, and after the police broke in my parents' door after concerns for my mother's welfare as I am her only child we made the decision to find her accomodation nearer to us. (I'm the only one of mum's children that she is in contact with, so it's me or no one.) I don't drink, btw. I do have an addiction, but I'm not sure an obsession with recreating medieval costume is harmful ;-)

She's 76 and on a regular 6 week rolling cycle she drinks herself into hospital. She injures herself quite regularly at home when she's drunk but when she's sober she says she doesn't need or want any intervention from social care providers. She has alcoholic psychosis and on the last bout she rang my workplace and told them that I was having an affair with a drug-dealer and that I was in her back room crying having separated from my husband...the same night she called the ambulance services telling them that I was in cardiac arrest in her flat.
I'm so utterly tired of her. The lies, the manipulation - I can see her trying to re-enact exactly the same pattern with my son as she did with me, using him as a cover to go to the shops for alcohol, asking him to lie for her. I feel as if she's trying to make me take on my dad's dysfunctional role of codependent and I'm not willing to do that. I'm not willing to excuse, cover, explain, or protect.

I'm just tired of being her "carer" - not an official role, as she's assessed as fully competent, and her behaviour is seen by the professionals as a choice. That I'm expected to disrupt the lives of other people - my husband, my son, my friends, my colleagues - to haul her ashes out of the fire time and time again. And because I'm her next of kin, it's me that gets the calls and gets to clean her flat when she's lost control of her bowels on the sofa or the mattress, sorts out the bills she's been to drunk to pay...ugh.

The hard thing is that every so often she will decide she has a problem and that she needs to do something about it, and she'll go part-way, and then she'll stop.
And one of the things with being an ACOA is I have very little patience with unreliability. I've been here so many times before and I'm cynical about either her capacity to, or motivation to, change. It's always promises and promises and promises....and I feel bad because she has no one else, but not so bad that I'm willing to allow my son to be exposed to the cycle, and not so bad that I'm willing to be made responsible for her.

She's just called me at work (drunk) for the second time today to say that she's made an appointment to see the doctor on Thursday.
My heart and my brain tell me that she's drunk, she will deny (is denying) being drunk at this point in time, and that spending time with her drunk will just irritate the hell out of me.
My conscience says she's a fragile 76 year old woman, she's lonely, and she's in poor health, and if I don't see her I'll be sorry that I neglected her.
What I *want* to say is "talk to me when you're sober, and when you've attended that appointment". I know what I'll get if I do that is lies. That she is sober now, and that the appointment was cancelled/she attended and all she got was her new prescription/blah.

It's a toughie....
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Old 01-16-2017, 02:59 PM   #2
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Hello MollyFairfax: Thank you for sharing this most difficult situation. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.
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Old 01-16-2017, 08:12 PM   #3
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"Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can see the top." -Wildflower
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Old 01-17-2017, 05:58 AM   #4
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I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but I feel truly sorry for you.
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Old 01-17-2017, 02:36 PM   #5
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Default Re: Sick of it now - alcoholic mother

Thanks, all!

Update: she hasn't got undressed since Sunday, she's drinking whisky and lager mix. Been to see her today, which was... It was okay, I said to her that I wouldn't spend a lot of time with her while she was drunk and she was okay with that, she understood.

She's just called me again (after finishing the whisky, I guess) stupid with drink - ACOAs will know the one, where there's the conversational time delay and they repeat what you say back to you - I told her I couldn't talk to her tonight and bid her a good night.

And there it is. No anger on either side, no nastiness, just a refusal tyo engage on my part and acceptance on hers and as a modus vivendi, I think I can cope with that for now.
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Old 02-01-2017, 06:10 AM   #6
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Default Re: Sick of it now - alcoholic mother

I'm so sorry.
I am in a similar place as you are with my own mother. However, I have so little emotion and compassion for her. I am about to go pick her up to take her to a therapist appointment and I know I'll walk into a house that is filthy and will have to check a week's worth of mail and take a week's worth of garbage out.
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Old 02-02-2017, 03:43 AM   #7
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I am familiar with the rigmaroll.
All you can do, if you can't walk away, is protect yourself, and not get drawn in.
Don't feel guilty...for anything..It's not your responsibility.
Be strong, take care, best wishes.
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Old 02-07-2017, 11:45 AM   #8
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I'm so sorry. Have you tried Al Anon meetings? There are also on-line meetings and chats if you can't get to one in person. I found Al Anon to be very helpful. It's been eye opening and really helped me to learn to let go.

Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups
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Old 02-16-2017, 09:41 PM   #9
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Default Re: Sick of it now - alcoholic mother

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You've found a great community here on PC. As others have said, you need to care for yourself first and I'm glad that you recognize her behavior towards your son. I don't have much advice but will send warm internet hugs.
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