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Old 03-10-2019, 09:50 PM   #1
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Default Feeling like a waste of time

Hey everyone,

I haven't every posted here. I usually hang out in yhe bipolar forums but I feel like my biggest problem right now is alcohol.

I have been hospitalized many times in the past 2 years sincr my diagnosis and most have been due to an episode combined with alcohol use ending in a suicide attempt. Ny most recent hospitalization was in december for a month and included a trip on lifelight to a place where i could get help for what i had done to myself

I am usually able to go a week to a month without alcohol but then i go straight back to it. I was drinking and not taking my meds a month after getting home but managed to go back on meds and quit drinking for almosy a week again. Unfortunstely that only lasted just under a week and I am back to driniing and not takibg my meds again.

I was feeling very let down by my healthcare providers(except my gp) and quit talking to them all. But my consumptuon has increased faster than ever and i am up to 10+ drinks a day again after only a week. Tonight the SI is increasing and the fact that I am almost out of alcohol is stressing me out so much. I juat promised my H i wouldnt drink his beer an hour ago and I am currently drinkong one because I ran out of whiskey.

My GP talked to me for a minute the other day(we work together sometimes) and caught me off guard and I have been feeling more guilt since that and my H"s comments tonight. I trust them both and wish it was as easy as just listening to them

Anyways I just typed way too much but my problem is i feel I would just be wasting my gps time to go see her even though I want to. My H made me cry because he said I am a human Im not wasting anyones time but I truly feel I am.

My T is referring me to more intensive OP treatment and an IP program as well and I just feel like I cant do it and would just rather die than keep failing.

I dont know why I cant just stop. I have come extremely close to losing my life numerous times, close to losing my job and family this last time and been given more than my fair share of everyones help and empathy so why cant I stop. And do I still deserve anyones time? It doesnt feel like it.
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Old 03-11-2019, 12:49 AM   #2
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Hey- keep your chin up-I so get it. AA meetings helped me and I have been sober for almost 7 years now. You should absolutely not try and stop drinking at home. You must consider inpatient. Unlike drugs- alcohol withdrawal can kill you and cause seizures, delusions etc. I was working with a newcomer and we were at the diner. She had been sober 12 hours and had a grand mal seizure in the diner. I had to hold her head a little and keep her from biting down on her tongue and maintain her airways- a first for me. I stopped drinking at home and it was hard. I am convinced the only reason I did not have seizures was because I was on lamictal. I regret not being with it enough to consider rehab or detox. You cant stop drinking because you are an alcoholic. You need to learn the skills to stop drinking and alternatives to dealing with pain and discomfort. AA really worked for me (after the 4th time when I stopped judging and making excuses) but it may not work for you. You may be consequence free for now but it wont last long. The physical and emotional consequences will come, not to mention the dangers of driving drunk. And you will probably say you would never drive drunk or have never driven drunk but think about that panic of running out of alcohol that you are experiencing...driving drunk "just this one time" because the liquor store is "so close" doesnt seem so bad ....
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Old 03-11-2019, 06:02 AM   #3
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Of course you deserve to be happy, Tryingtobehappy5! Please don't be so hard on yourself. Recovering from addiction isn't easy and I can ensure you that there many people currently in your situation. You're not a failure. You can get through this. Please don't give up. I'm glad you're getting help and support. Trust me when I say that you're not wasting anyone's time. Please try to get help as much as you can. sarahsweets gave you some great, wise suggestions. Perhaps AA meeting could help you. Keep talking with your GP and your T. They're there to help you after all. You're not wasting their time. Do consider IP if things are getting too overwhelming for you. I know it's hard and scary, but your safety must be the priority. Please stay safe and take care of yourself. You deserve to get better and to live a good life. I'm sure you'll be able to get through this. You're strong, I know that. Please don't give up. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this
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Old 03-14-2019, 11:18 PM   #4
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I wanted you to know that I read your post and feel for you.
Alcohol can hold on to you like nothing else. It is legal and so addictive.
There are a lot of bipolar people who are also alcohol abusers.
They call it dual diagnosis.
I have an addictive personality...maybe that is just my bipolarity????
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