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Old 09-11-2018, 10:11 PM   #1
MinnieLR
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Default Feel like I am losing it

I wasnt sure where to post this. I just recently joined and I have so many different things going on right now. I am sober 42 days and have been able to do it withthe help of my doctor and medication assisted therapies. My counselor helped me to look at it as not being weak as that addiction is a disease of the mind just like there are diseases of the body and people have to take medications for them. I was feeling pretty weak for it before and have had some people tell me I was using a crutch so it sorta turned me off. What brought me here tonight is I really feel like i am going to have a mental collapse or break or something. I also have mental health and that plays a huge part in why I drank to begin with. I have always felt different and like something was out of place with me and also have to deal with clinical depression and anxiety. Ive been on disability for a lot of years because of this. I am now losing my benefits because i was unable to come up with all of the things they were asking me to do with the constant case reviews i was going through and things being chabged around on me it seemed like every few weeks. I am freaking out because I am also going to lose medical coverage for an undetermined amount of time and unsure how I will cover my medication. Next week I am supposed to start a full time job in addition to my part time job which means I will go from working about 25 hours a week to well over 50 hours. Ive never worked these kind of hours before and I am just so afraid of this change.
In addition to all of this ive been with a guy for over 6 years and living together almost that whole time. He has carried us for the most part other than the small contributions I could make. He has been on vacation from work since last Tuesday and seems to go out to the bars every other night or every third night. I havent been this stressed out in a long time. Normally he doesnt come anywhere near me after hes been drinking. The other night he came home at 830pm and sat next to me on the couch 😡 I have such a hard time controlling my anger towards him and around him lately.
Maybe one of the worst things is he bought us a car for $4,000 and now I really feel obligated. I have no savings and im not willing to leave my cat behind for him to neglect. There just seems to be no end to this insanity in sight. I just wish I could find better ways to deal with this stuff. I'm really feeling overwhelmed and dont want to get back to the point where i think a drink will fix me right up.
I know all of the cliche stuff stay out of relationships, go to meetings, all of the unspoken rules. I'm not looking for that. I'm sorry if I'm coming off standoffish. Not feeling so great 😔
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Old 09-12-2018, 02:10 PM   #2
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I'm sorry you find yourself to be in such a difficult situation. (Here's hoping the new job works out well at least.) I don't have any advice to offer you here. I simply wanted to let you know I read your post. And I wish you well...
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Old 09-12-2018, 08:34 PM   #3
MinnieLR
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Thank you for your reply. I am feeling pretty hopeless with most of this and right now pretty hard to see it from a positive side. I really felt like going to the emergency dept. today for mental health and checking in. Its a place ive been before and at the same time have been told would not be given a bed in the past unless I was either a threat to myself or others which i do not feel is the case 😢 its a confusing time and I guess I had sorta somewhere at least hoped things would start to get better instead of go way worse. I almost feel numb to it all like i cant feel anything other than the numbness and the anger. Despite knowing how bad it is for my health to feel this way and all the reading I do to try to figure out how to make it go away its always there just hanging around like a Jekyll and hyde I think is a description I have once heard before. I think when the anger first started it was just barely noticable and it started with a feeling that maybe my ego was growing and that i was starting to improve now it just turns into a full on rage at the snap of a finger it seems. I deleted my other social profile today on a different recovery site. I went into their chat room, someone told me it was ok to feel anger. I though ok, maybe it is ok to open up and put myself out there so i did and told almost everything i told here. I didnt get a single reply and i felt humiliated, I let them know and i deleted my profile 😕😔 more people have replied to me here than ever did there anyway so i am thankful for that.
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Old 09-12-2018, 08:40 PM   #4
MinnieLR
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One of my posts also said that I was in counseling. I havent been in there since tge Wednesday before Labor Day. I am usually scheduled every Mon. and every Wed. That following Monday was labor day, the Wed of that week I had a medical procedure (I wanted to have it done before i lost my medical ins, along with disability benefits) Then i showed up for my appt at 8am Mon of this wk and apparently 1 hour before my appt time, she cant make it, fine. I just didnt go today. Maybe for many reasons but not sure why. This woman will not go out of her way to try to get my into another time slot if either she or I misses one. She is also like 6 years younger than I am which fine again but why not offer suggestions instead of just letting me lead the whole thing? I am going to contact the Universalist Unitarian Church in my town. Something positive and something i have been interested in for a while now
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Old 09-22-2018, 08:21 PM   #5
bizi
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I am a UU.
We are very open to all trains of thought.
no dogmas or creeds.
((((HUGS))))
bizi
I hope you are feeling better.
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Old 10-25-2018, 06:32 AM   #6
Misssy2
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Minnie...don't know if your still around.
I am feeling sad for your situation as you have a lot on your plate.

You don't owe anyone anything...as far as b/f buying the car..the car was a necessity for you both and he didn't buy it for YOU.

I'm just curious why you lost your benefits..seems you are struggling with mental illness AND addiction.

I would have fought back for those benefits.
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