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Old 06-06-2018, 05:45 PM   #21
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Well, day 0 again. Stayed up til 7am drinking, smoking up, eating and sniffing benzos. Felt nice but today sucks ***.
You're back here, so you haven't given up. Deep down, you seem to know you need to beat this. You just have to come up swinging until you do.
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Old 06-06-2018, 06:20 PM   #22
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You're back here, so you haven't given up. Deep down, you seem to know you need to beat this. You just have to come up swinging until you do.
I'm so depressed and lost. I think about suicide on a regular basis but I know I can't go through with it so I get high instead. Or I cut myself instead. I just need some help.
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Old 06-06-2018, 06:29 PM   #23
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Right now I feel like I have a benzo hangover and I'm sleep deprived and I'm smoking just non stop the stress is real.
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Old 06-06-2018, 06:51 PM   #24
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A friend was walking towards me with her friend from the liquor store and they were carrying booze and they said "What are you up to?" and I said "I'm buying booze" and they laughed.

I'm going for a walk with my mom at 6. She can't know about the bottle of jack I bought so I drink alcohol at night. I took a shot of moonshine. Quite immoral if you ask me but she called me to go for a walk after I drank it.

She was the one that told the liquor store to stop serving me when I was 18 because I drank too much. Now her excuse is that I have schizophrenia.

I mean, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just sick of this high dose antipsychotic medication and I feel nothing anyways.

I'm playing guitar with a friend at 8 and left my pint of rum at his place.

How do I even know I have a problem with alcohol? I just want a buzz. I'm a stimulant addict and think psychedelics are healing. I hate opiates because they make me feel numb and they're impossible for me to get addicted unless I'm in physical pain.

I'm just impulsive. I don't want mental health problems.

So yeah, that's my update...
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Old 06-07-2018, 12:32 AM   #25
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I feel like a complete worthless waste because my mom said she would control my money if I buy alcohol again. She's drinking alcohol right now.

She could smell the shot of moonshine I drank but I didn't tell her about the bottle of jack.

I don't see the problem when I was happy and now I'm in so much mental pain because I'm being controlled.

This doesn't make any sense.

I'm sick of all this confusion.
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Old 06-07-2018, 12:46 AM   #26
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I was sitting on my bed and she came in and I said that she shouldn't be drinking with her heart condition and then she started crying denying that she was going to control my money and about her problems and because I drank a moonshine (It was only a shot) and all this other confusion.

She says arguing gives her heart palpitations.

Now I feel even worse about everything.

Edit: I gave her a hug and said sorry I'm so mental and she said it's ok and that I have to be honest with her so I told her about the bottle of jack. She told me to put it in the freezer.

I'm only to drink a shot or two with a mixer. That's only if I feel like it.

I think that's a good compromise and doesn't make me feel like I need to drink so much to rebel because I can't have any.

Other drugs I stay away from of course.
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Old 06-07-2018, 02:38 AM   #27
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I missed IOP yesterday because I had a seroquel hangover and just slept in too late. So I have to go today. But I think I'm also going to go for acupuncture again today. Hopefully it will relax me, the way it did on Mon.


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Old 06-07-2018, 04:46 AM   #28
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I'm not confused, well maybe I am.

I let go in an image of a positive solution.
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Old 06-07-2018, 09:23 AM   #29
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I'm so depressed and lost. I think about suicide on a regular basis but I know I can't go through with it so I get high instead. Or I cut myself instead. I just need some help.
You need to say that, in those words, to a health care professional. It's really important.
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Old 06-07-2018, 10:08 AM   #30
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You need to say that, in those words, to a health care professional. It's really important.
I called around to every rehab in this area and surrounding areas... No openings til fall. I might go to emerge today...
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