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Old 01-23-2019, 03:36 PM  
Erecura
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Member Since: Nov 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 34
2 yr Member
Default Do you relate to this?

I currently go to therapy but I question some things about it. According to my therapist, I don't have a mental illness, but I have troubles I should work on. I kind of disagree and I think I might be bipolar II, I know none of you are actual psychiatrist and none of you can diagnose me, but I wanna know if you can relate to this and if you think that I might be right and my therapist might be wrong...

I do have phases that usually last for abut 2 weeks - 1 month when I feel good. I've never felt extremely good, I just feel...okay, happy, fine. During these times, I'm able to work more effectively, stick to my goals, eat healthy, drink less, workout regulary. I just feel like a consistent normal person who is able to function. I sleep about 7-8 hours and am able to get up, do yoga, prepare healthy breakfast, finish everything at work, invest time in my hobbies. I talk to people, I'm friendly, I go to the gym, I lose weight, eat 3 meals a day, count calories. I'm full of new ideas, new projects, I'm enthusiastic, excited and feel like the future holds great things for me. I'm self confident, decisive, rational, intelligent, practical. I make plans, goals, I stick to my schedules, I act according to the plan, I'm productive, to the point, I'm everything I've ever wanted to be. I feel confident, hot, pretty... During these times, I feel like I finally reached happiness, I got healthy and I know what it feels like to be a normal person without any mental health troubles. I usually think I got magically well and I don't need therapy anymore.

Then I have phases, that usually last for ... it feels like it's longer but I think it's actually 2 weeks - month as well. When I feel like an ugly little **** who doesn't deserve to live. I sleep 10 - 11 hours, I feel tired all the time and nothing can get me excited. I feel sad, depressed, melancholic and like crying all the time. I sometimes feel so much pain, and I have no idea where it comes from. It just suddenly hits me, it's so overwhelming it feels like I lost everything in my life, even though I know it's not true. I know the pain is irrational and it comes from a thin air, yet it still comes regularly and I can't fight it. Then negative thoughts start to appear as well, suddenly I feel like my positive and productive phase was just an illusion. Like I was living a dream and a cold harsh reality hits me from every side. I feel useless, unproductive, lazy, ugly, fat, selfish, stupid, weak. I hate myself, I despise myself. It feels like I've been like this all the time and the positive thoughts were just there to cover up the truth about my life for a short while. I get suicidal, impulsive, I start drinking. I feel like I hat everyone including myself and I get flesh backs of past negative or shameful situations.

Does it sound like something that someone with bipolar would experience?
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