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Old 01-17-2019, 08:18 PM  
nushi
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nushi jihadying to trust the universe and let go...
 
Member Since: Feb 2012
Location: From Egypt, journeying in America
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5 yr Member
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Default Re: Advice - Run Away?

thank you really skeezyks for your beautiful words

i kind of feel better now... even though i don't have much desire, i try to go out in events & attend things a lot... also, the semester started... this is making me really anxious & stressed, but i don't know, like you say, one step at a time, even if i have absolutely no desire nor energy to take the step, but i take it anyway, maybe with further steps, who knows, my pain decreases!

today, i also started writing a bit in my life writing project i really don't care for anything in this life, except for me to create this project/writing & give it to the world before i die!

but by the way, i don't understand why you say that because of your old age, you have nothing to get busy with! on the contrary, your free time now gives you the PERFECT conditions to read, write, contemplate, & create something significant to give to the world... heck, you could write your own personal story as inspiration for others like you & me!

i have the option of taking step by step, or dying, or just doing nothing (& dying anyway)... in all three scenarios, death is coming! but i don't wanna die without having left behind me something to be remembered with in the universe...

i this zen poem... it seems very peaceful... one of the things that helps me a bit, is going out to bike, jog, hike in nature... yes, i want to "follow my nature"... isn't that what taoism says?!! follow the cosmic process, the way, nature... let go into it... yes, let go & trust the universe... who knows?!! we can't know what will happen, maybe it's going to be something really beautiful & ecstatic, that when we look back to our pain, we look at it with wisdom, beauty & understanding, rather than confusing killing pain!

allow me to share with you one of my favorite quotes (it's from the article "Is God a Taoist" by Raymond Smullyan, from the book "The Mind's I: Fantasies & Reflections on Self & Soul" edited by Douglas Hofstadter & Daniel Dennett - you can find & read the chapter free online - this paragraph is supposedly said by a god/high-sentience):

***First of all it is inaccurate to speak of my role in the scheme of things. I “am” the scheme of things. Secondly, it is equally misleading to speak of my aiding the process of sentient beings attaining enlightenment. I “am” the process. The ancient Taoists were quite close when they said of me (whom they called “Tao”) that I do not “do” things, yet through me all things get done. In more modern terms, I am not the cause of Cosmic Process, I am Cosmic Process itself. I think the most accurate & fruitful definition of me which man can frame – at least in his present state of evolution – is that I am the very process of enlightenment. Those who wish to think of the devil (although I wish they wouldn’t!) might analogously define him as the unfortunate length of time the process takes. In this sense, the devil is necessary; the process simply does take an enormous length of time, & there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. But, I assure you, once the process is more correctly understood, the painful length of time will no longer be regarded as an essential limitation or an evil. It will be seen to be the very essence of the process itself. I know this is not completely consoling to you who are now in the finite sea of suffering, but the amazing thing is that once you grasp this fundamental attitude, your very finite suffering will begin to diminish – ultimately to the vanishing point…***
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