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Old 11-20-2018, 12:49 PM  
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Default Re: Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

Originally Posted by Mapman View Post
Wow, what a difference a year makes. I created this thread a year ago yesterday. I was very messed up at the time. And I had a lot of very complicated times ahead of me that I wasn't prepared for.

I'm glad to say that I'm through most of this now. I really do see that my life is much better without my ex as my partner. She was a member of my team and a part of our family only when it suited her--that's not a partnership. I want a partner that will cheer me on and who I can cheer on. Somebody who will lift me up when I'm down. Somebody who will listen to my nutty ideas and nod or laugh with me, but who is willing to listen and not roll her eyes. And most importantly: Someone who will not split her love between me and another man. I deserve that, and I deserve someone who I can give all of that back to as well. And now I have all of those things with someone new that I've been seeing for a few months. Now I'm seeing how wonderful life can be when you're with someone who really loves you.

But there are still some emotions that aren't resolved with my ex, even after a year. I have to be in contact with her to deal with our kids (both high schoolers). I know that I have to be the bigger person, but I wish the kids were older so I could eliminate contact with her completely. I am still angry and hurt at the things that she did and how she behaved after I found out. Her cruelty was presented in her "nice" way, meaning that she described herself as a person just trying to figure her feelings out, and wouldn't I, as her husband, want to support her on her path of discovery? She presented it as an innocuous search for herself--as if her actions were not wrong or hurtful, just part of her journey, and what was wrong with me that I wouldn't want her to be the best version of herself by having sex with other people? I look back on that now and see it much clearer. She did not consider me and my feelings. She did not recognize that her selfish actions were doing damage to me and she showed no empathy for me.

Still, after a full year, she has not properly asked for forgiveness. But it's been so long now that I don't think there's anything she can say that would improve our relationship. Now it is strictly a business relationship based on what the kids need and nothing more. I don't even want her to try to fix it anymore. I continue to move on. My therapist says that it's not odd that I'm still feeling the hurt and anger. A year is a long time, but not enough time to erase or dull those memories. He said that next year it will be easier, and each year after that. And again, it is so helpful to have a new person in my life who likes me for who I am and doesn't want me to be anything other than that. She's honest and patient with me--exactly what I deserved in my marriage.

So now here I am, a year later. I can't say absolutely everything is resolved, but things look much brighter than they did a year ago. AND--I'm not in a marriage with a person who would treat me as an afterthought. So to those of you who are going through a breakup and it doesn't look like your relationship is going to last, let me just say that the other side looks really great. Family, friends, and therapy were the key for me. Don't be afraid to lean on others to help you through!

This is a great post both for hearing about your growth and progress and for the encouragement you give to others about this whole type of situation.

My offer of encouragement is that 1 year is on the one hand, kind of a long time, but on the other hand when it is due to a broken relationship that carried a lot of pain and hurt, it really isn't that long. I know you are, but keep being patient and as you've seen you've grown stronger and come a ways, the journey will continue to get better! Hang in there!

having to deal with the ex on the basis of your kids puts a kink in your progress, but it's a necessary evil so I just encourage you to continue to keep it as a relationship only for the sake of the kids and nothing more.

I'm happy to hear you're handling it well... keep it up!
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