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Old 10-20-2018, 07:12 PM  
Blueberrybook
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Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
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Default Re: Do you feel “unworthy”

All the time.

Mostly it was my father I felt didn't care about me or think I was worth anything, even when I graduated valedictorian of my high school class. He hated my reading fiction books and writing papers for English and writing short stories in notebooks as a hobby, and I should be using my art skills to draw architecture, not portraits or still-lifes. He wanted me to be excited about math, physics, mechanics, electronics.

When I was in 2nd grade, he was laid off from his job (think it was a company buy-out situation), and he decided he would start his own business. From home.

OMG. A few years down the road, he built a shop on the land my parents owned next to the house (and about double the size too). He repaired things - TVs, VCRS, cars, tractors (lots of local family farms there), etc.

He was never gone except the rare service call. He wanted me to spend all my freetime working in his shop, and none of what he said about fixing things made a bit of sense to me. And of course there was no pay. He verbally abused me all the time and spanked way beyond appropriate age.

My mom just never stood up for me. Let my father have all the say. So I felt judged & worthless in her eyes too. Still often do.

I wanted to major in English in college, then maybe teach; he didn't like that, so I majored in microbiology. It wasn't hard; I was smart, but it wasn't me. I regret I never stood up to him and majored in what I wanted to, but of course, my parents were footing the college bills too. Sigh.

I still don't have a relationship with my dad. I still feel like he doesn't approve of me. He has now found religion, in a huge, Bible-thumper, ultraconservative interpretation of the Bible. He says all H's & my financial problems are because we don't attend church regularly; we are Christian, but it is hard for us to find the time with the tons of stress in our lives. He says I do not have a strong enough relationship to God, obviously God is punishing me for this, and if I did have a strong tie to God, I would have no mental health issues, and my daughter would have no sensory issues. And because I am not an ultra-conservative Republican, political viewpoints such as mine & my husband's (H is from California) are tearing apart the country.

Yeah.

That childhood trash just never goes away.

I can't imagine ever getting over this, and yet I hope one day I can. I have finally, after 20 years of on/off (usually trying once or sometimes twice in a year), I have finally, only about a month ago, found a T I click with and feel like I am making progress with. She's very open and kind, but I get scared too because she has told me a lot of my issues stem from the traumatic events in my life (I have several, but you can bet growing up with my father has been the longest-lasting) and that she is going to help me, but we are going to have to face and deal with all these traumas, and that frightens me because I'm scared of dealing with them. She strikes me very much as a person who, if she says she intends to do something, or this is her treatment plan, she means to follow it. I know she is right, but it is very scary too. And then she drew so many parallels with a parenting situation I had with my daughter and myself as a child growing up with my father, and I was like wow. Every single thing that happened in this situation went straight back to my childhood reactions.

So I have hope this T will get me there or towards there eventually, but it is going to take awhile. I've had nothing but more & more emotional garbage, added traumas. I do think if I stick with her, she will end up helping me a lot, more than any T I've ever had. I am fortunate to have finally found her.

Last edited by Blueberrybook; 10-20-2018 at 07:26 PM..
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