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Old 10-19-2018, 04:20 AM  
Elimatis
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Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: Czech republic
Posts: 2
Unhappy Am I Narcissist?

Hello.
I am 19 years old and this problem started when I was 11. I was happy child and I loved programming. My mother was very kind and my father nonstop at work. At school I was silent and without any friends. But it didn't matter for me, my friend was my sister.
Suddenly I stop love the programming. From that time I feel empty and nothing interesting me. I doubt who I am and started to play role (behave like my classmates, teachers,…) and making false personalities (secret agent, very good hacker or other “superhero”). I thought and act like this personality. I stop laughing and wanted be better than others, interesting, important, superior, special and center of attention. How? By productivity, advanced opinions, serious face and meekness (I just need bread and water). I wanted to “help” world (= be important and at the center of attention), other days I wanted to be super successful hacker (interesting and the best) and so on. I didn’t know why I play these roles but this was my only (and subconscious) driving force in my life. Money, happyness, pleasure, relaxation, love, experiences, relationships didn’t matter for me (“I didn’t need it”). I was “ invulnerable and had important goal – make society better”. I lived in this illusion even daydreamed about it.
I know it’s absolutely childish but… I collapsed because of overworking, was very underweight (I don’t need food), pretending depression because I wanted attention and so on. When I was in the center of attention It was the only time when I didn’t feel the need working to exhaust.
According to my psychiatrist I have Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I want to heal myself because this complicate my life and hurt other people. But I can't force myself live just for happyness (and enjoy life) because I feel empty (I absolutely don't know what I want in my life) and only thing I like is feel superior. tHE Only time I feel good is when I working and when I am meeker than others or when I am center of attention. I hate myself because of this bad habit! But what I should do? Is there any recovery method or just “don`t be silly child, try hard or you'll devastate your life and end alone!”? I am motivated but just for short time. I would like to know if I just ultra egostic silly kid or have real NPD.
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