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Old 10-07-2018, 09:12 AM
MalaPuella MalaPuella is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: Finland
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MalaPuella MalaPuella is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: Finland
Posts: 1

Default Feels like I don't belong

I was diagnosed with high functioning "mild" Aspergers at ~8 years old and both me and people around me held out hope it would go away in adulthood.

I have learned to put on a mask and act like an empathic and polite person, but when I truly question myself I always come to the same conclusion: I really don't care for or relate to other people.
Sometimes I relish in not having to care about others and sometimes I envy people who have a full range of emotions.

I am unsure where my Aspergers diagnosis ends and where my personality begins. I exhibit some symptoms not mentioned in the diagnosis.
I am constantly plagued by extreme boredom, which I can only get out of by doing something illegal, mostly petty theft or some form of vandalism.
I don't really have patience for special interests anymore even though I want to, and I have started to feel disdain for the few friends I have because I think they are too boring and not daring enough.

I have cognitive empathy and I know the difference between right and wrong but I don't really care. And that is a feeling that has become stronger the past few years.
I don't recognise the person I used to be and that is the only thing that truly makes me emotional when I think about it. I was never an empathic child but I could be compassionate and ambitious - I don't remember what any of that feels like anymore.

I have thought about going to a therapist again but I have never had good experiences with them and I feel I have never received the help that I need.
I recently heard from someone with BPD that it is very common for therapists to dismiss people with low or non existent empathy and treat them as a "lost cause". As I understand it, that is a problem for people with personality disorders and I don't know if I have a PD. But I can imagine other aspies feel they haven't received help for similar reasons.

Also I am curious if anyone here has been misdiagnosed or diagnosed with additional illnesses in young adulthood. I think I have Aspergers not only because I am diagnosed but also because I exhibited many of the traits in childhood.
But there are many things I can't realate to when it comes to Aspergers and that is starting to isolate me.
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