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Old 10-05-2018, 06:08 PM  
someusername
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Member Since: Apr 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 25
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Default Re: Threatened by wife's polyamory

Quote:
Originally Posted by QuixiHubris View Post
Thank you, LacunaCoiler.

In a surprising twist, the co-worker (G, for the sake of ease) sought me out last night to talk things out. Turns out I didn't need to deliver an ultimatum. Not that I probably could have, despite the advice you've provided.

G was worried about me, and has been suffering due to this heavily K-driven situation as well. We discussed for a long time. Then G privately ended things with K.

I comforted a profoundly upset K. It hurt. She said some hurtful, spiteful, selfish things, but I know this is painful for her, so I showed her the compassion I wish she had the capacity to show me.

She wasn't entirely oblivious to the hurt this caused me, and did apologize, though the apology came off a little mean, sort of a "I'm sorry you can't tolerate my needs" deal.

She repeated immediately that she still believes she's polyamorous, and I confirmed that I'd support her, but that we both should talk to other poly/mono people before trying another relationship again, because as of now, I can't emotionally handle it.

But that's OK, because K said she couldn't imagine meeting someone as special as G again, so why bother?

So... was I not special to her? When she proposed to me? When she married me? I'm just a villain to her now, holding her back from what she needs due to my selfish, possessive whims.

I don't know what to do. I feel so stupid. I'm just as brokenhearted as before, and the future looks bleak for me, the deadweight wife who took someone special away from my spouse. I don't want to leave, but I don't want to stay. I mostly don't want to exist.

I'll find a way to cope. I'll shut up about it here. I feel guilty for taking up people's time only to ignore good advice. Thank you again, everyone. I think the saga has concluded.
Your situation made me feel hurt and angry just by hearing about it. I'm glad G was at least mature enough to break it off if K wasn't. It isn't over, because now you know a side to K that you didn't before. I really hope you will stand up for yourself and not let her needs overshadow your health and well-being.

Have you seen the Alfred Hitchcock film "Rich and Strange"? I'd recommend it (if anything, it is a excellent and powerful movie). The couple in that movie have a dynamic that sounds similar to what you seem to have with your wife based on what you've written of this experience. The ending is very interesting - I don't want to give it away but I'll say that it is subtle, but brutually honest about the way people are.

Good luck, I hope you and K can find happiness.
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