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Old 10-02-2018, 09:14 AM
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QuixiHubris QuixiHubris is offline
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Member Since: May 2018
Location: Indiana
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QuixiHubris QuixiHubris is offline
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QuixiHubris makes a mean chili.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Indiana
Posts: 36

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Default Re: Threatened by wife's polyamory

Thank you again, everyone. You've all given me new angles of looking at the situation, instead of just repeating the same things over in my mind.

I have another update, because I don't know what else to do but vent into the internet. I don't expect replies, as I've received so many important words already, and I feel guilty for dragging this out. But I'm out of people to turn to, and feel like I need to speak. I can't talk to my friends about this. I'm alone at sea.

I've felt like a dog being yanked back and forth on a leash all month. First the secretive kissing, then maybe dating, then the co-worker not wanting to date, then suddenly they're back on again, and most recently, they're talking about going public.

I've been pushing many of my emotions down. I've had a difficult few years, and I've worked hard to develop better coping mechanisms. I'm still struggling with anxiety and depression, but I've learned to handle it myself, and can more easily rein in my emotions. So, I've been keeping everything close to the chest, not wanting to anger K with my tears, or seem like I'm being manipulative. Honestly, I've been numb for a lot of the month, unable to adequately explore my feelings between each hairpin turn of the situation.

But the prospect of them going public pushed me over the edge. This is not the promise we made in our marriage. I'm willing to learn and grow, but I'm terrified of the whiplash speed of all of this. I finally broke down last night, panicking and crying and still trying to explain to K that I'm not ready for this, and need some kind of outside support before this can go forward. I do not have the capacity to explain the state of my marriage to my friends and family, how this is still my marriage, except I get less time with my spouse, and have to watch her fall in love with someone else.

It shreds me to see K smiling and texting this girl. The constant need to be in touch, the giddy planning of dates and events, these all remind me of the early days of our relationship, and it's ripping me apart to have to watch my wife do this with some stranger.

I'm embarrassed and alone and I've worked so hard to find healthy ways of processing my emotions, but there's so much, and I'm crumbling, and K doesn't seem to care.

She was angry with me for crying. She immediately was on the defensive, saying she "knew this would happen" and that she was the one who would suffer the most from going public. She said that people were going to see her as evil, and would punish her and the co-worker. She said that I wouldn't have to deal with that.

I desperately needed her support, even a calming hand on my back, an apology, SOMETHING. She left to go hang out with co-worker and another friend, and I slept another night alone, in our bed that K and co-worker apparently had sex in. I feel disgusting.

I have no one to turn to. All of my friends are facing their own demons, I can't weigh them down with mine. I did that too much in the past, and I've been so much better lately, and I need them to know that they helped me before and so are off the hook and don't have to worry about me now. I called my health insurance and learned they don't cover therapy. I'm running out of resources to handle this, and the person with whom I intended to share my life isn't even around to comfort me, and barely seems aware of how badly she's hurting me.

I don't know who K is anymore. I don't know where this came from. I can no longer believe in life going back to the way it was. I can't escape this pain, and I know it will only get worse. It helps to write meandering essays on the internet, I guess. That might be all I have left.
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