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Old 09-11-2018, 01:00 PM  
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Location: A Growlery in the UK
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Default Re: Threatened by wife's polyamory

OK I can share a similar experience (although I am a guy-ish - see myself as 'questioning' with bi inclinations) - not sure if this is validating or not but it's just what happened for me.

My first serious long term relationship developed into polyamory after a couple of years. My (female) partner, who up till then had been straight, expressed to me that she was attracted to my best friend (female - bi). Like you there was a big part of me that felt threatened because I am extremely insecure in relationships, but I also wanted to do what I saw as 'the right thing' as we both believed that people can be fluid in their sexuality and had certain feminist inspired political beliefs about relationships, and I recognised as a male that there were aspects of her sexuality I simply could not (or even should not) meet. Paradoxically, and in all honesty, I think to an extent this was also fuelled by my insecurity, I could see that if I did not compromise my own trust issues I could lose her due to my own inflexibility and her need to explore those aspects of her sexuality, and I also just felt it was unfair for me to impose my needs on her. So we agreed to open up our relationship. In principle it was meant to be two way, I could also have polyamorous relationships, but in practice I never pursued that for myself, I am simply too shy to initiate relationships and struggle sexually even with one person due to CPTSD issues.

I do realise that people might assume here that as a guy it was easier for me to accept another woman into our relationship - the classic guy fantasy of 'hey threesomes' but it really wasn't about that. The fact is I was not attracted to my friend, I loved her as a person but not sexually, and same for her. So what tended to happen was either my partner would sleep some nights at my friends, or if she did sleep over at ours I would keep a discrete distance and give them the space they needed. On those nights they did usually invite me to join them in bed after some time to themselves, but just to cuddle and sleep (which was nice) and I never wanted (would have been horrified by doing so) to allow my penis to come between them so to speak. It worked very well for a few years till we split up (as a result of my insecurities eventually getting the better of us).

Not suggesting any of this applies to you, you have your own values and boundaries, what felt 'right' to me may not to you, but you asked if anyone had been through similar and I guess this is fairly close.
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