View Single Post
Old 09-11-2018, 09:22 AM  
QuixiHubris's Avatar
QuixiHubris makes a mean chili.
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Indiana
Posts: 36
31 hugs
Default Threatened by wife's polyamory

I am a woman married to another woman (there's some wibbly-wobbly gender stuff involved, but that's a different kettle of fish!). My wife, K, recently admitted that she made out with a younger co-worker of hers. I told her I appreciated her honesty, and that while I was hurt, I understood the circumstances that led to the kiss.

Then, a couple days after that, K confessed that she and the co-worker shared romantic feelings toward each other, and that devastated me for several reasons. First, I was upset that she'd lied about the crush when I directly asked her about it during her kiss confession. Second, I have a lot of anxiety and self-esteem issues, so my brain immediately took this as confirmation that K wants to leave me and that I'm not enough for her. Third, I was angry with K because in the time between confession 1 and confession 2, she'd been trying to talk to me about polyamory, apparently hoping to get me on board with it while I was still in the dark about the crush thing.

I feel betrayed and exposed, and I'm afraid of expressing to K the depths of my pain because I don't want to make her feel bad, and I don't want to seem like I'm manipulating her or dismissing her needs.

The thing is, I want to be open about polyamory, but more and more, I recognize that I'm monogamous, and am perfectly satisfied with loving one person. Meanwhile, it's becoming clearer that K is polyamorous, and capable of loving multiple people, which is difficult for me to understand. I hate thinking about her going on dates with other women while I'm, what, sitting alone in our house, eating cheetos in the dark and wondering if my wife is going to have sex with the cuter, younger college student she picked up at work?

I don't want to come off as insecure, and I want to trust K when she assures me that we're life partners, and that her love for me is independent of her love for anyone else, but I simply can't comprehend it.

I desperately want to discuss this with my friends, or even my mother, but I don't want to taint their opinions of K. I have a feeling they'll be enraged on my behalf, which isn't what I want (as validating as that would be). So, I'm here, wondering if anyone has faced a similar situation. Thank you in advance, and I apologize for the novel!
QuixiHubris is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from: