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Old 09-10-2018, 05:56 PM  
Blueberrybook
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Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: La Porte, TX
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Default who else has an ED no one sees?

I have anorexia - purging type, but no one in my family sees it. H ignores it, and it is easy for him to ignore, for my daughter to be oblivious becomes all of my purging comes in the form of overexercise (nearly all of it running/jogging). So I go on these God-awful long runs in the morning, sometimes broken in half between the time H is getting ready for work, so I'm home when he leaves, then again, once I drop my daughter off at school.

Around H and my daughter, I eat meals normally. I may eat meals on my own normally or at least mini-meals throughout the day. Lately not doing great at that except on weekends.

There is a point in my exercise routine somewhere (and I don't know it, be it time, miles, another factor) when I hit a point I just cannot eat enough to make up for that calorie deficit. I am under a lot of stress & anxiety/panic, and I channel a lot of that into running, and sometimes I run and pretty much get lost in my head, not thinking about all the stuff bothering me.

I definitely don't weigh as much as I should. There is no hiding that from the family. I might be practically skin & bones, but most people wouldn't look at me and think and see "ED", so for all appearances, my life is normal, but it is not.

I don't talk about it to H. To him, it's simple, just exercise less and eat more. Same with pdoc, though it does feel like pdoc is beginning to lose patience with me not decreasing my exercise and/or eating a distance runner's diet.

And yet it's almost like because I have this ED that no one really sees, my husband just doesn't understand how hard & complicated it makes my life and that it is another valid mental disorder I have that he doesnít see, just like bipolar disorder or panic disorder or PTSD. But itís something else H chooses not to see (my thinness), if he knew the number, he would be flipping out, but I just hide that too, just like the times I have to function under 2 to 3 hour panic attacks, he just canít understand. Same as the fibromyalgia, another valid there but not apparent disorder. I have many times when I think the ED is the very worst of my diagnoses because at some point, panic attacks do lessen, and sometimes the bipolar gives me a nice good feeling run with hypomania, and fibromyalgia flares come and go. But you eat daily, and itís worse having to cook meals 3 times a day. Added anxiety when I cannot exercise, meals (though holidays are the worst), feelings of guilt if I eat a cupcake or dessert. It is relentless. I was watching TV, saw a weight loss ad and thought gee, maybe I need to go on a diet. Even weight restored these thoughts never go away 100%.

Had a very off day today.

Last edited by Blueberrybook; 09-10-2018 at 06:17 PM..
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