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Old 09-07-2018, 08:04 PM  
CasuallyAwkward
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Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: Washington State
Posts: 13
Default Don't Know How To Feel

This is kind of a rant, but any input is appreciated. I'm not really sure where to put this or if any warnings are necessary. Any input is appreciated.

So, I recently got out of a relationship that lasted almost 8 years. Our anniversary would have been this week, and I got broken up with in the wee hours of August 30th. A lot had been going on for me and my former S.O. We were struggling financially due to the difficulties of finding work. I'm was and am still in an uphill battle with SSI to try to get on disability. Finally, for the past year and a half, my former partner had been transitioning into a woman.

Now, to add to all of this, both of us have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I have been diagnosed with ADHD on top of that. A lot of people that I know are positive that I have autism, one of them being a therapist. My mother suspected it when I was young, but since none of the therapists she brought me to brought it up, she didn't push this issue. In the appointment with my new therapist I actually expressed the need for a proper diagnosis/testing for this.

Now, I had been struggling to cope with my former partner's transition. I was unbelievably worried about them since there was a lot of talk between them and our roommate(who was also trans) about how their lack of acceptance in our society made life a lot more difficult for them and how much more likely they were to be assaulted.

I was doing my best to try to adjust and trying to push away the part of my mind that so desperately wanted them to go back to the way they were. I knew for a fact that they would never be happy masquerading as a cis man. The body modification that they were started was difficult to get used to. I've always had really sensitive skin, so physical contact started to be painful once they started shaving. I brought it up to them because they asked me what was wrong. I was upset because hugs and cuddles used to make me feel really safe. We talked about it. I made sure to bring up that I didn't want them to hesitate because of me since it was their body and I would feel terrible.

There was another issue with them reusing dull, disposable razors to keep themselves clean shaven that we had a couple of arguments about since it wasn't healthy and I wanted them to take care of themself. Eventually it was decided to just take the hit to the finances to buy razors more often since they weren't that expensive. I thought that it was solved and that was the end of it.

I was breaking down sobbing more and more often with life going in the direction it was going. I always felt completely overwhelmed and not sure what to do. It felt like they were getting more and more distant as time went on, which didn't help. I was also gone a lot as the only way I have to earn income right now are the house/pet sitting jobs that I get.

It happened late last Thursday evening. I had a severe pain and tightened muscles in my neck and right shoulder since the night before. I called Urgent Care that morning and was told that the most they would be able to do for me is give me some pain meds and send me on my way. In the evening our roommate was nice enough to offer me some of their Flexeril. Normally I strongly object to taking other people's meds, but it wasn't really getting any better so I ended up agreeing. I know it was a dumb mistake.

Maybe 45 minutes later they asked if it was helping since I guess it looked like I was moving a bit more. I didn't feel like it was, but I also wasn't feeling any worse. I told them that it still felt really painful to move and I wasn't noticing a difference. They started to freak out and tell me that that's not what I originally told them. According to them, I told them that they were completely locked up and unable to move at all. Then I started to freak out and insist that I could have sworn that I did. Then, according to them, I start changing my story and they accuse me of gaslighting them. I'm in full blown anxiety attack at this point trying to figure out what was real. I've had problems with my memory before due to the ADHD and possible autism. They're no feeling safe because they've had problems being gaslit in the past. I'm not feeling safe because I'm trying to figure out what's going on and due to the fact that I don't like the fact that I'm upsetting them.

At the time, my former significant other wasn't actually in the apartment. They liked to pace around the complex a lot in order to think. It's at this point that our room mate calls her up on the phone and tells her to come back and fix her relationship because they couldn't deal anymore. (cont.)
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