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Old 07-19-2018, 09:37 PM
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Default Re: Childhood emotional neglect and abuse

((growthmindset1))),

First I would like to say welcome to Psych Central and you are welcome to vent and share as needed here in the forums. You did a good job venting in your thread so far, being able to write things out is very helpful in that first you are not "just" holding all of this in and second you are actually identifying the areas you are challenged and even why that is so, which I don't think you actually fully realize yet.

It's understandable that you struggle when it comes to even thinking about having a relationship with a man, with what you described of your experience with so many males was that you were abused and you were much too young to have any real idea how to defend yourself. Also, your mother was no true source of protection either as she herself struggled and you ended up comforting her when you were the one that needed to experience that.

What you learned to do growing up is not to trust males and because you knew what it was like first hand to be afraid, you ended up in more of a caregiver role for others, even when you did not have enough actual life experiences where you developed a maturity that is based on "safe" knowledge instead of knowledge gained through never really feeling safe.

It's understandable that you look for female mentors where you can observe "mature" strength and how you can get disappointed or perhaps triggered or turned off when you think you have found a strong independent female mentor that is not 100%. Truth is NO ONE is ever truly 100%, everyone has their weaknesses and uncertainties and fears.

It's also understandable that you prefer strong female mentors too, after all my guess is you were not really victimized or abused by females, you were let down by your stressed weak mother, but that isn't actual abuse. Liking strong females to mentor doesn't mean you are gay either, you just want a presence that can show you mature strength which was something your mother NEVER really showed you which contributed to your inability to gain a true sense of personal safety.

You are still young yet and you will have a lot to learn yet. It's good that you make it a point to read and it's ok to watch how strong independent women handle different challenges too. It would be helpful for you if you found a female therapist that you can talk to that can guide you on a healing journey and help you learn to develop your sense of self esteem where you gradually can self protect better and gain your sense of safety.
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