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Old 05-11-2018, 11:59 PM  
melgrrl
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Member Since: May 2018
Location: California
Posts: 1
Default Re: not ana anymore but my brain still is

You're not an idiot. I am pretty sure that reminiscing on the things about your anorexia that felt good at first isn't unusual during recovery. Ambivalence is just something that happens when you have a life changing experience that started out seemingly positive, but ended up very very bad. It is often easier to filter out the terrible and focus on what seemed gratifying at the moment ( In whatever way it served you; physical, mental, etc.)

I've relapsed three times, am 40, and often feel like a lost cause. I know that in my experience of avoiding the detriments to my health and mental well-being, while in a state of recovery, I focused on the initial high, the sense of control, and other thjngs that ultimately seemed to crack open a door to the past. I try to avoid triggers, but sometimes that's impossible.

Try and stay strong!
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