Thread: A Question
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Old 03-11-2018, 07:01 PM  
graystreet
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Default Re: A Question

Quote:
Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster View Post
If he has NPD then it wasn't "real" in the way you define it. Narcissists cannot truly love in the way someone like yourself can, to be capable of love you'd have to be capable of empathy.

Granted I'm going off of limited information here, if you can provide more examples that indicated NPD I could give you a lot more information.

Best regards.
Thanks for the reply, Atypical.

Hmmm, I'm not sure what to tell you. I don't know if it's just that I've exhausted the subject over the week (it just happened). Or if a lot of it is a product of just knowing the guy as long as I have, and, in light of knowing he lied to me for so long in spite of being asked repeatedly for the truth and understanding that the majority of his behavior in our arguments was akin to abuse, if little things are finally just adding up.

And it really isn't that I'm asking if he had NPD; I think I know what I was dealing with was beyond the bipolar he told me he was diagnosed with years ago.

J exhibits most of the criteria of a covert narcissist, and when I look at a list of "7 signs of narcissism," he fits every one. I commented once on his lack of empathy, only I called it compassion. I became a very depressed and broken person the longer this relationship continued, and there were a few times where I told him that I wasn't doing well, and needed a person to talk to, asking him specifically because I considered him to be closest to me. One instance was after I'd become a little snippy with him. He became very cold, telling me that I'd "lost my privilege" to speak to him on the phone that night. Even after I was frantically texting, and telling him how much that statement hurt, he told me he didn't care, he didn't owe me a conversation. This happened quite a bit, actually. He knew that I struggled with BPD and thus, with abandonment. We discussed this at the beginning of the relationship. However, when we'd get into a discussion, it would always seem that, just as it would become more intense, he would drop the conversation. He said I was becoming escalated, and he didn't validate that behavior. In reality, it was always just the normal progression of an adult conversation about their differences. Whenever he'd leave a conversation, it was inevitable, I would end up text and communication bombing, feeling totally abandoned. This would happen probably weekly, him claiming I was so horrible and stressful, me telling him that if he would just stop vanishing, it would de-escalate the situation.

Everything was my fault. His gaslighting, stonewalling, and, I found out later after I found out about the woman (and, now I'm sure, he had more than just her) ability to lie were off the charts. And everything was everyone else's fault. He always had it worse than everyone else. The week I came to TN, he constantly complained about how horrible that week had been at work, and how he'd just wanted to have a nice, romantic weekend with me. One of the worst arguments, the one where he ended up recording me saying I "hit" him, and he ended up forcing me to hug him and tell him I wanted to stay, was because I was telling him that our conversations tended to always revolve around him being tired and stressed. It was basically that I didn't know how to help him, and I was frustrated that he basically never told me anything about his life (truly, in the end, I realized that I knew nothing about him; I told him everything, he told me just enough to make me believe he was opening up). He told me to shut the eff up, that I didn't know what I was talking about. And I got pissed; I told him that he acted like he had it worse than everyone else. And he said, in total seriousness, "Well...I suppose cancer and burn patients have it worse." What?? He started an amazing job a year ago and is quickly moving up the ladder...and he equates that stress with that?? It was shocking.

I commented more and more that he didn't actually seem interested in anything I had to say. He tended to be slightly condescending, but I don't think even realized he was doing it. The only thing he seemed interested in was when we talked about sex. He pushed even when I told him I didn't want to sleep with him, or when I was uncomfortable. He never forced, just got very pushy, and was irritated when I didn't want to sleep with him. He was annoyed and would. not. let. it. go. when I went to sleep on the couch, simply because I couldn't get any sleep next to him, even though prior to my coming to see him, he told me he didn't mind if I took the bed to myself. When I reminded him of this, he pouted and said well...it's his bed.

I realize this post is becoming long and convoluted, so I'll stop here. There is SO MUCH more. I could talk about how he left me in Knoxville without a way to get back to his home in Maryville, where my car (and my belongings he threw out next to it) was, when we had our blowup and I told him I wanted to leave that night. I could say how I begged and told him Uber was $110 that night (it was, I sent him screenshots) and I only had money for gas and food back to Michigan, and for four hours he left me sobbing on a bench in Knoxville, repeatedly telling me to suck **** to get money, ignoring my friends calling and telling him that I was willing to leave his home immediately, but I needed to be able to get to my car. At the time, I was like, why screw with me for hours? I could have been out of TN by now. Now, I see that he'd been doing that our entire relationship.

Anyway. I'm very tired tonight, or I'm sure this would be more concise and articulate.
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