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Old 11-13-2017, 03:32 AM   #1
John Constantine
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Member Since: Nov 2017
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Posts: 4
Trig cant figure out please help me

i am 19(male) now i haven't said this to anyone literally nobody. when i was in 3/4th standard i started having sexual relations with my cousin brother who was 4 years older than me. we had oral sex but never penetration we watched porn together and sometimes masturbated together and after like 5 years we stopped doing these stuff when i was in 8th standard. later i developed self hate like hating my body my face my hairstyle i couldn't bear to see myself in mirror and i developed obsessive porn addiction. which i managed to deal with things got worse when my sir stripped my shirt in front of class only to make it worse i tried to commit suicide but i didn't do it.i am so scared of even tucking my shirt in front of my fellow mates or stand to see myself naked and i always look at my private parts like filth . even though i dress ok i feel as if i am naked or i look dirty in my clothes. 3 days ago i was watching some film it had some sexual content that provoked this thought of what happened. i keep remembering stuff that happened only to make it worse i feel like cutting myself or taking nicotine or emerging myself in stress.for the first time in my life i cried on bed and slept. i didn't hate what happened 8 years ago but does it still effect me ? i haven't been able to talk or make friends with new people since my 11th class. i cant talk with or trust new people whom i met in university. i can only talk with my school friends be it girls or boys.

recently of my classmates slipped some slipped some chocolates into my bag and i was scared thing is still feel if they know it they might think i am dirty .i am cant stand to look myself in mirror. i have cried myself to sleep several times . i feel naked all the time. recently i met my school friends who talked about their sex life and i felt as if i can never be open or intimate with anyone anymore. Did this sexual relation when i was 8 really effect me ? i have been keeping this my self for a longtime .
sorry to bother with triggers

Last edited by Lavender.; 11-13-2017 at 08:50 AM.. Reason: added trigger
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