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Old 08-10-2017, 01:17 PM   #29
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Default Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found

Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
This passage puzzles me because it makes it sound like she wanted to contact him, and perhaps did contact him, even after having just told you in the preceding two sentences that she could not contact him as she did not have his number.

[B]She's saying that she did not call him and did not invite him over. What really happened, she says, is that on that Sunday she wrote him an email restating no commitment. So: either she called and he came over (and then what happened? did they sleep together? i'll never know). Or, she wrote him an email saying no contact was still in effect, without having any reason I could see for her to send that email, because presumably no contact had still been lived up to. She's saying what she feels so bad about, maybe doesn't want to tell her shrink about, is breaking no [contact to restate no contact, which seems weird to me but who knows?

To what extent do you believe this?

You asked for my take. I look at it in three steps.

1. How much do you believe this passage, that you are the love of her life?

I believe it about 92%. We have a lot in common: the same terrible childhoods, the same chronic illnesses, the same way of viewing the world, same sense of humor, love PDA, like to hold hands. When we go to parties, she does not flirt, nor do I, so we're on the same page with that.
I do sense she has a lot of secrets, however, that the love her life will never know about unless she slips up. Early in our relationship, she said that she's never cheated on a bf. Then, a while later, she began talking about the "only" time she cheated on a bf, with another guy who thought he was her boyfriend too. So, basically, she was cheating on two guys at once.
I've noticed that when we're with her old friends, she monitors my conversations and glides in effortlessly to forestall further talk when it's about her and the old days ...

If there is a lot of truth in that, then:

2. How do you feel about her, aside from the lying?

Well, I do wish she'd tone down her manner of dress a little, maybe cover up those big breasts a little, maybe not have this crazy need to be the focus of attention wherever she goes (and also claim that she doesn't care about that at all), and she gets it, from men and women. But other than that one big thing and that one smaller thing, she's about as perfect as they come, for me, despite what my therapist says (see below).

If you got past the first two steps, then the third step is perhaps the most challenging.

3. Everyone is flawed, of course, and I do not judge her; in fact, I have a lot of compassion for her. But it seems that a relationship with her comes with a lot of challenges. Take for example contacting the abusive ex. I can believe it could happen innocently; I can believe that in a fit of despair she would almost by reflex contact someone that had been a consistent place for her, even if abusive (similarly, people are often reluctant to leave their abusive partners in the first place). But it sounds like there might be a lot of such events/drama in her life. So even if her heart is in the right place (see question 1 above), I think that there are going to be times that it will be challenging to be with her.

Yes, this is absolutely true. She's going to be challenging for me a lot of the time. My therapist once said, she might be a great a woman, but I do not think she is the right sort of woman for you.
(Not unimportant here is the fact that I've been diagnosed with complex PTSD and trust/betrayal issues are a big part of cPTSD. So, yeah, she will be challenging for me in particular.)
Drama might as well be her middle name. I mean, she's the lead singer, songwriter and leader of a band that has some notoriety in the local area and beyond, so drama might expected from one such as her.

I'm not so sure that you can't trust her--I mean, for example, I'm not so sure that she would just out-and-out betray you by intentionally sleeping with somebody else when under no emotional duress--but she sounds very stressable and impulsive, inclined to do things that are not outright betrayals but are hard for her to admit to and hard for her to explain. If I am right, and if you are with her, that will make things challenging for you.

How much do you find that when she feels safe, she is still impulsive and volatile? Or does that tend to fade when she feels safe?

This is so insightful of you. Unbelievably so and incredibly helpful to me as I try to sort this out. First, she was under stress in both of the cases above, both of them having to do with abject loneliness and the need to connect with someone, anyone. Don't exactly buy that for the dic pic incident, however, for various reasons. But I know she was having a horrible time w/ her then-abusive narcissist boyfriend. She's also under stresses of all kinds all the time, mainly related to health issues and chronic pain.
When she feels safe, she is not one bit volatile and impulsive only with her shopping. As far as I know. She's genius-level smart, though, and has sides of her I've never seen, if only because they're not relevant to our relationship, in her opinion. Foreign languages learned in an instant, got an MBA just to get one, love of astrophysics, knows more about medicine than most doctors, can talk about anything with anyone, was invited to MIT to mediate conversations between scientists and the loopily creatives, because she has her feet solidly planted in both worlds. She is a remarkable person.

So if you can trust her in the sense that she won't out-and-out betray you, but she is very challenging in her impulsiveness and lack of candor about it: what do you think? Do you/could you care enough about her to be willing to try to deal with the challenges that she inevitably brings?
This is the crux of the matter, isn't it? This is the one big toughie question. If I wasn't saddled with massive childhood abuse that led to the cPTSD diagnosis, I'd 100% try to deal with the challenges. No doubt. But, I come with that problem, so the lack of candor thing weighs more on me than it might most people, because lack of candor means that, in certain situations, under certain circumstances, she will probably reach for an old ex or do the dic pic thing and then lie about it.
I just don't know. Also: if such is the case with her, then that it'll be up to me and me alone to try to soften all rows that develop, lest she feel that aching loneliness to leads her to do these other ... things.

I thank you beyond words for taking the time to pen your thoughts out in full. So good of you, so helpful to me.

Last edited by loyddssss; 08-10-2017 at 02:30 PM..
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