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Unread 08-07-2013, 03:27 AM   #1
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Trig Physically abused as a child by my sibling.

As long as I can remember my brother has abused me. Physically and verbally. The verbal abuse consisted of him saying horrible things to me, about me, insulting me and pointing his finger in my face until I cried and could not stop. Then when I started crying he would make fun of me for that too. Insisting I was a weak crybaby.

But that wasn't the worst of it. The worst of it was the physical abuse he doled out to me repeatedly for years. He is four years older than me. Much bigger and stronger. I am a female. I was no match for his rage filled violence. He abused me quite often. A few times a week for years on end. The things he did caused such great physical and emotional pain to me. My parents knew what he was doing, but did not stop it or protect me.

I remember there were sometimes when he was beating me up and would have me pinned down in some sort of hold that I couldn't escape while he beat me. I would be fighting with all my might to no avail. I would be screaming and crying while he held me down. Sometimes my mom would walk by the room we were in and yell "STOP!" and walk away. When she yelled that he just laughed and continued abusing me. He never stopped. My mother and father never actually stepped in and physically stopped the abuse. They never protected me.

I developed depression, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, and zero self esteem and suicidal ideation at a VERY young age. I remember feeling these things about 5 and 6 years old. Those feelings have never left. They have been constant right up to today and I am now 33. (except for the suicidal ideation which did stop for a little while) The abuse finally ended in my late teens when my brother moved out of my parent's house. After he left, I was just glad that the abuse was over and chose not to think or dwell on it since it was no longer happening.

I wasn't thinking about the abuse at all but continued feeling depressed, worthless, anxiety riddled, no self esteem, and suicidal for years. I finally got on Zoloft a few years ago, which helped my depression to a certain degree. I was still depressed but it DID take away my suicidality and for that I was grateful.

Then, a few months ago I *snapped*. All of the sudden after not thinking about the abuse for years it came into my memory full force. A million thoughts of instances of abuse and a million different times my parents could have stopped it and protected me, but didn't. With these memories and thoughts came depression and anxiety that was worse than what I already had. I was already depressed but now I am sobbing uncontrollably all day every day. Reliving the abuse in my head and realizing my parents never thought I was worth protecting from harm. They never loved me enough to protect me. The suicidality has returned and it's strong.

My parents used to blame me for the abuse, telling me I shouldn't have made my brother mad. Let's face it, all kids make other kids mad and all siblings fight, but what he did to me was twisted and unacceptable. And MOST of the time I didn't even do anything to make him mad. He would just come in the rom I was in and start abusing me for fun. (Sometimes he would hold a pillow over my face suffocating me to the point where I was convinced I was about to die and then he would lift the pillow up, let me breathe and do it again.) Since this all came crashing back to me a few of months ago I have confronted my parents about it and they immediately quit speaking to me. Abandoning me in my worst time of need. This made my already severely declining mental health worse and the suicidality stronger. I finally got ahold of my mom about 3 months after I confronted her and I asked her to please just tell me the abuse wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve it. She didn't reply. She didn't say one word. Later she told me "I don't remember any abuse. I thought you guys were playing."

She thought we were playing when I was screaming and crying? Give me a break. When the abuse first came back to my mind and I was thinking about it, the effects were devastating, but then confronting my parents about it so I could get better and maybe heal, only to have them reject me the way they did made it all the more devestating. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel worthless, unloveable, like I don't matter at all. The fact that they would rather deny his abuse (in order to protect him because they don't want anyone to know he's abusive) than admit to it to help me breaks my heart. They would rather cover up his abuse for him than help me when I'm feeling suicidal as all hell. What does that say about their love for me? Why is his abuse worth protecting more than me?

I even told my mom that I am suicidal over this and she still stopped speaking to me. It's like she would rather I die than speak about what happened. I'm not saying she wants me to die because I don't think she does. But I told her I needed to talk about it and was experiencing severe suicidal thoughts and wanting to die and talking about it may help and she chose to quit speaking to me. He still abuses to this day. Only now he abuses his girlfriends. So see, she doesn't want me to talk about his being abusive because she doesn't want anyone to know her precious son is a monster. So, instead of helping her daughter who is struggling with mental issues as a result of his abuse, she is helping her son hide his sick and twisted secrets. Instead of protecting her daughter from her son's abuse, she is protecting her son by keeping his abuse secret, denying it, and pretending it never happened.

I know I need professional help and I plan to get it as soon as I am able. But I needed to share this. I am broken hearted. I can't sleep. I was laying in bed in the dark replaying memories in my head and I can't make them stop. I was crying in the dark. My mind was playing the abuse like it was a reel on repeat. I couldn't sleep so I'm here. If you read all this, bless you, because it was way too long.
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Unread 08-07-2013, 04:10 AM   #2
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Default Re: Physically abused as a child by my sibling.

I'm so sorry you had to endure all that ...

I too suffered horrible abuses at the hands of my parents and older siblings.

I was 33 when I finally broke under the weight of it all, and I even made an attempt on my own life.

Thank goodness I failed!

All I can do is try to assure you that as painful as it is right now, it WILL get better.

Please don't take your life, if you do they will win.

Whatever you do DON'T give them that too.

Please do get professional help.

You quite possibly could have PTSD from what all you've been through.

I wish you the best in your journey towards healing and recovery.

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Unread 08-07-2013, 04:33 AM   #3
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Default Re: Physically abused as a child by my sibling.

Thank you pfrog. I, too, have wondered if I have ptsd, but don't know for sure since I haven't been diagnosed. I am sorry you were abused also. One thing my mother said to me when I brought the abuse up is, "Why are you doing this to me? Why now? When I'm 60 years old?" This infuriated me. I am supposed to care about her well being as a 60 year old adult, but she had no concern for letting me be abused as a young child? I think it is much worse for a child who's brain, psyche, self esteem, self worth, and personality are just developing to be severely abused then for a 60 year old who's brain is fully developed to talk about it. When she asked me I said "How could you do that to me as a 5 year old child? Let me be abused?" Again, silence.

I read somewhere that most people don't confront their childhood abuse until their 30's or 40's. So, we were right on schedule, Pfrog. I'm supposed to feel guilty for confronting my abuse at a normal age because she is 60 when she had no guilt for me being beaten as a child. And she still has no guilt cause she denies it. I am feeling all kinds of things. Devastation, depression, anxiety, fury, hate, hurt. I am so glad you feel a bit better nowadays, Pfrog. I hope I get there one day, too.
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Unread 08-07-2013, 04:41 AM   #4
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Default Re: Physically abused as a child by my sibling.

You will get there, SRM ... For now, though, allow that wounded child you are and were feel every bit of what you are feeling ... It's real and deserves to be honored so that you can heal.

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Unread 08-08-2013, 06:05 AM   #5
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Default Re: Physically abused as a child by my sibling.

Did you ever confront your family pfrog? If so, did they deny it or abandon you? I feel my family abandoned me because as soon as I tried to talk about it they quit speaking to me for months. This hurt so badly. If this happened to you how did you deal with it? I know therapy is probably number one answer but when you were alone, away from therapy? Was there anything that helped you deal with the abandonment and denial by your family? I didn't even want to fight with them. I asked my mom to go to therapy with me to talk about the abuse so I could get better. I was trying to help myself in a way that would be healthy for all involved and that is when she abandoned me. Like I said, I talked to her a few months after that and she denied it all. Making everything worse. Now we are back to not speaking. I just cannot stand the fact that talking about abuse is worse than the abuse itself in their eyes. I can't stand the fact that I mean so little to them.

Last edited by StarkRavingMad; 08-08-2013 at 06:27 AM. Reason: more thoughts.
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Unread 08-13-2013, 02:14 AM   #6
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Default Re: Physically abused as a child by my sibling.

I saddened by your post. Stay strong and move forward. Stop thinking about getting anything from your family as they have long forgotten you. I would abandon them. You are 33 now. Let them come to you, if at all. To help stop those "movies" from playing in your head you might consider redirecting the hurt and anger into a sport like self defense . It will build up your self esteem and confidence. My pain is different, and used the physically demanding aspects of my job to tone myself up and work out the emotional pains of my past. I symbolicly beat the crap out of my abusers through my job ( loading boxes, lifting and leveraging the heavy ones, walking the distances). Funny, people think I'm a great employee. Hope you get the T help soon. We are all here to help each other and hope to hear of your progress. Don't be like me and let those "movies" play and re-play until you are somewhere in your early 50's . okay???
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Unread 08-13-2013, 09:52 PM   #7
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Default Re: Physically abused as a child by my sibling.

I have so much to say because our experiences are so similar. But first,

My older brother physically (and verbally/mentally) abused me for many years as well. Because I didn't recognize what he did as abuse, I was completely messed up for a big chunk of my life, not understanding my strange behavior and feelings or the reasons behind it. I thought I was a messed-up freak.

Sibling abuse is just as valid as other forms of child abuse. It sets up a situation where the violence is completely unpredictable; it can come at any time. When parents are checked out of their responsibility, it leaves a situation where both the abuser and the victim know that no one is going to step in. We both deserved to have someone stop the abuse before it did the kind of damage that it has done.

It's understandable that your self-destructive impulses have returned. When a child is not protected, they make the only assumption they can make: they are not worth protecting. Facing the abuse brings back all those old feelings--but those feelings are not accurate. You WERE worth protecting, and it's a weakness of your parents that they lacked the strength to step in. I've had trouble with self-injury, but I've learned to notice the feelings behind it--so much shame and rage. Our brothers expressed their emotions violently on us--no wonder we want to do the same. But you deserve compassion and kindness, not self-destruction.

I tried to confront my mother in the early days of my treatment. Like your mom, she said that she didn't think it was bad, at the time. She didn't deny that he was violent--just said that she thought I coped okay. She also cried a lot and asked what I expected of her. I stopped communicating about the abuse at that point--she was making it about HER again. I am getting a lot of what I needed her to say from my therapist.


I don't know if any of this made sense...I just want you to know that you are NOT ALONE in dealing with the repercussions of sibling abuse.
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Unread 08-15-2013, 03:59 AM   #8
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Default Re: Physically abused as a child by my sibling.

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarkRavingMad View Post
As long as I can remember my brother has abused me. Physically and verbally. The verbal abuse consisted of him saying horrible things to me, about me, insulting me and pointing his finger in my face until I cried and could not stop. Then when I started crying he would make fun of me for that too. Insisting I was a weak crybaby.

But that wasn't the worst of it. The worst of it was the physical abuse he doled out to me repeatedly for years. He is four years older than me. Much bigger and stronger. I am a female. I was no match for his rage filled violence. He abused me quite often. A few times a week for years on end. The things he did caused such great physical and emotional pain to me. My parents knew what he was doing, but did not stop it or protect me.

I remember there were sometimes when he was beating me up and would have me pinned down in some sort of hold that I couldn't escape while he beat me. I would be fighting with all my might to no avail. I would be screaming and crying while he held me down. Sometimes my mom would walk by the room we were in and yell "STOP!" and walk away. When she yelled that he just laughed and continued abusing me. He never stopped. My mother and father never actually stepped in and physically stopped the abuse. They never protected me.

I developed depression, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, and zero self esteem and suicidal ideation at a VERY young age. I remember feeling these things about 5 and 6 years old. Those feelings have never left. They have been constant right up to today and I am now 33. (except for the suicidal ideation which did stop for a little while) The abuse finally ended in my late teens when my brother moved out of my parent's house. After he left, I was just glad that the abuse was over and chose not to think or dwell on it since it was no longer happening.

I wasn't thinking about the abuse at all but continued feeling depressed, worthless, anxiety riddled, no self esteem, and suicidal for years. I finally got on Zoloft a few years ago, which helped my depression to a certain degree. I was still depressed but it DID take away my suicidality and for that I was grateful.

Then, a few months ago I *snapped*. All of the sudden after not thinking about the abuse for years it came into my memory full force. A million thoughts of instances of abuse and a million different times my parents could have stopped it and protected me, but didn't. With these memories and thoughts came depression and anxiety that was worse than what I already had. I was already depressed but now I am sobbing uncontrollably all day every day. Reliving the abuse in my head and realizing my parents never thought I was worth protecting from harm. They never loved me enough to protect me. The suicidality has returned and it's strong.

My parents used to blame me for the abuse, telling me I shouldn't have made my brother mad. Let's face it, all kids make other kids mad and all siblings fight, but what he did to me was twisted and unacceptable. And MOST of the time I didn't even do anything to make him mad. He would just come in the rom I was in and start abusing me for fun. (Sometimes he would hold a pillow over my face suffocating me to the point where I was convinced I was about to die and then he would lift the pillow up, let me breathe and do it again.) Since this all came crashing back to me a few of months ago I have confronted my parents about it and they immediately quit speaking to me. Abandoning me in my worst time of need. This made my already severely declining mental health worse and the suicidality stronger. I finally got ahold of my mom about 3 months after I confronted her and I asked her to please just tell me the abuse wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve it. She didn't reply. She didn't say one word. Later she told me "I don't remember any abuse. I thought you guys were playing."

She thought we were playing when I was screaming and crying? Give me a break. When the abuse first came back to my mind and I was thinking about it, the effects were devastating, but then confronting my parents about it so I could get better and maybe heal, only to have them reject me the way they did made it all the more devestating. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel worthless, unloveable, like I don't matter at all. The fact that they would rather deny his abuse (in order to protect him because they don't want anyone to know he's abusive) than admit to it to help me breaks my heart. They would rather cover up his abuse for him than help me when I'm feeling suicidal as all hell. What does that say about their love for me? Why is his abuse worth protecting more than me?

I even told my mom that I am suicidal over this and she still stopped speaking to me. It's like she would rather I die than speak about what happened. I'm not saying she wants me to die because I don't think she does. But I told her I needed to talk about it and was experiencing severe suicidal thoughts and wanting to die and talking about it may help and she chose to quit speaking to me. He still abuses to this day. Only now he abuses his girlfriends. So see, she doesn't want me to talk about his being abusive because she doesn't want anyone to know her precious son is a monster. So, instead of helping her daughter who is struggling with mental issues as a result of his abuse, she is helping her son hide his sick and twisted secrets. Instead of protecting her daughter from her son's abuse, she is protecting her son by keeping his abuse secret, denying it, and pretending it never happened.

I know I need professional help and I plan to get it as soon as I am able. But I needed to share this. I am broken hearted. I can't sleep. I was laying in bed in the dark replaying memories in my head and I can't make them stop. I was crying in the dark. My mind was playing the abuse like it was a reel on repeat. I couldn't sleep so I'm here. If you read all this, bless you, because it was way too long.
I did read all this. I am so sorry. You did not deserve it. I dont care how mad he was; you did not deserve it. no one has a right to do this to someone, esp for fun! This was wrong. I believe your mother did not want to face it. It took a lot of courage for you to face it! Good for you. You are the one to be commended! It takes a lot for us to step forward and face what others do to us and to break that silence!

My own abuser said she did not remember anything happening to me and now I don't care! That was her reality and not mine! My reality was that something bad happened, I survived, I now am learning how to live with it and move on and letting go of her. She chose to take to her grave her own denial. She truly believed she did nothing wrong or did not allow other bad th ings to happen to me. I choose to face it, deal with it, and become a survivor.

So good on you!

I am so sorry though. this hurts, I know.

Carol
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Unread 08-26-2013, 10:46 PM   #9
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Default Re: Physically abused as a child by my sibling.

Thank you, EVERYONE, for your kind words. They really mean a lot to me. They really do.

jan16, Yes, I sometimes think that abandoning my family is what I should do and what they deserve. They just make me angry and hurt. I haven't completely abandoned them YET, but I now very rarely see them or talk to them, because their response to me has hurt me so bad. The only time I see them is when my grandmother who lives out of state comes to visit and I go to see her and my family happens to be there. That's it, but I have talked to my mom on the phone a few times. She called me and acted like nothing was wrong and nothing had ever happened. I was just like "WTF? This is unbelievable that this woman is talking to me like all is normal and well, when I have TOLD her that the abuse destroyed me mentally and I want to die." I didn't say that to her, but it's what I kept thinking. I was afraid to say what I wanted to. I don't know why. Maybe it was because the first time I confronted her and she abandoned me, it hurt so much that I am afraid it will happen again and don't feel I can handle it again. That's probably why I haven't completely abandoned them yet totally. Something about their rejection of me just hurt so bad that it has made me terrified of losing them, but you know what? I DON'T NEED or DESERVE that kind of treatment. It's funny that you say that cause lately I have been thinking "BLEEP them! I don't ever want to see them again!" This is how I feel lately. I just haven't communicated that to anyone. I'm not very physically active, but I am taking in your advice to let out my frustrations that way. Maybe I need that. Thank you.

Skeksi, . Everything you said makes complete sense! Are you still able to carry on a relationship with your mother? Since you're getting what you need from your therapist? I know I need therapy for sure. I hope to be able to get in therapy soon. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. Do you have a relationship with your brother nowadays? I quit speaking to my brother shortly after all this crap came back into my mind.

BrokenNBeautiful, thank you for your kind words. You're right. I didn't deserve it and no one does. Sometimes he was really angry when he would beat me up and other times he was having fun laughing and smiling while he hurt me. I don't know if this makes him a sociopath or a sadist or what, but he seemed to revel in my pain a lot of the time. It's scary! I can't stand his disgusting self! You're right, I am doing the right thing. I am actually the only one in our immediate family who has the balls to confront the abuse. Everyone else keeps quiet and insists on pretending it didn't happen, as if that will make it go away. Well, it won't since he continues to abuse others to this day.

Thanks again to all of you for your kind words and for caring enough to respond to me. for all of you.
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Unread 08-26-2013, 11:32 PM   #10
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Default Re: Physically abused as a child by my sibling.

Are you sure this is abuse and not just normal sibling rivalry? My sister and I did all that and more to each other, as did all of my friends with siblings and the siblings I look after at work. Yeah some of the beatings were pretty extreme (including being pushed down stairs, the pillow thing, verbally abuse, broken bones etc.) But to me this is all normal and part of growing up in a family?

When you are mentally ill sometimes you see things in a skewed way, your memories might be different to that of your family and you might be reacting to things in a way that is highly sensitive. Please keep this in mind before you cut off ties with your family. Their experience was different to yours and they may not understand why you are getting so worked up.

I hope you can get some therapy to help you with your issues.
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